11/24/13 – I Find Hunter’s Writings

I don’t remember much of the morning of the day. I suspect we had a major blowout the previous day since I spent that Saturday afternoon at my parents with kids who were staying the night there.  I had tickets to Catching Fire Saturday night and it was something that I was hoping to get to be date night.  Obviously whatever happened derailed that since she (via text) acquiesced to going but only under the conditions that we do not sit next to each other or talk at all.  Of course, I was able to humor her enough to sit next to each other and share the water that she had sneaked into the theaters.

What I do remember was getting an email from my sister with a picture of her son and two of his friends.  She was planning a Sunday Family Dinner that night and asked that I print it out and bring it over that night.

Of course, the printer isn’t plugged in since Hunter uses the second monitor for work and has to plug in downstairs since she is too lazy to go to QCOM IT and get the wi-fi on her computer fixed. At this time she was also doing her finances (assuming in prep for the divorce) and left the computer on her login.  I get to the computer and plug in the printer and start trying to print the picture out but I am having problems with the ink. I look for where the file downloaded to see if I could alter it enough to get a better picture, but I can’t find it on the desktop.  Looking into the My Documents folder I see a couple of folders labeled Novel next to my Audible folders.  So I think to myself, “did my Barnes & Noble eBooks get downloaded here?”

Opening them up I see email, Freewrite, and a couple of other Novel files.  Most of the files are dated early 2004.  So I open the email file and see what is written – to Chris.  Then I open Novel and see what’s there – Chris her third great love.  Two of the other files are password protected so I download and purchase software to delete the password protection.  I start reading about how he was her soulmate, how she could have any of the millionaires around Newport and she still ached for a balding loser from Chino.  This writing is two years after the affair and we are trying to conceive.  Then the novel.  I only get to the part where she is pregnant and about to lie to me about how the child was born early (which is what happened with Son) and then the dinner she describes about telling me she is pregnant.  In real life it’s “she wants kids.”  I see everything from that night.  It was one of those nights you don’t forget because your wife who has always maintained she never wanted kids and now wants kids a month after she tells you she had gotten too emotionally involved with a coworker but not sexually. It was all in her head.  I say we will wait a year just in case she is lying to me and I don’t want an issue with paternity.

That’s when I flip.  I start walking out the door and call my sister.  I am running, talking, hyperventilating, and my sister is telling me I need to tell her to leave.  It’s not safe for her or you.  What if it’s not true?  I remember the dinner, but it’s obvious she changed the names on the main character’s so how much is true and how much her fantasy.

I call her and ask to speak to her outside.  She meets me in the backyard, and I ask her about it.  She has no idea what I am talking about.

– Your novel.  I read your novel.

– What are talking about?

– On the computer. Your novel about you and Chris.  It says you were pregnant and then talks about the dinner at the Italian restaurant.  I remember that dinner.  You didn’t say you were pregnant, you said you wanted kids.  And I said we had to wait a year.

– She recalls the files and flees into the house.  She starts stalking around “How dare you.  How dare you!!  Those are not for you to read.  How fucking dare YOU!!!!” Of course the kids are right there.

– Is it true?  We move inside. I get the tape recorder because she has become unhinged and I want to make sure I protect myself.

She grabs it out of my hand, turns it off and is about to stomp on it when I let her know that would not be a good idea.  Instead she rips out the back and the batteries.

– Not smart.  Why are you avoiding the question?

– No.  I was never pregnant.

– Then what about the story.

– It’s a story.

– Did you ever vacation in Vegas?

– No. We never vacationed in Vegas.

– Did you tell him you were pregnant?

– No.

– What lies did you tell him to hang on to him after he broke it off with you did you tell him?

– No answer.

– Did you tell him you were pregnant?

– No answer. She is just sitting on the stairs as I am trying to get the kids to stay in their rooms.  Eventually she takes daughter and holds her while she wails.  I am downstairs reciting her novel about having sex with Chris.  How she wanted to feel him cum inside her.  How they did it in on the chair, did it on the table, did it standing up, did it in every position possible and then he screams “I’m cumming, I’m cumming.”  Of course she keeps wailing and I eventually walk up the stairs to take daughter away because I don’t trust Hunter with her.  All this time I am on and off the phone with my sister.

Hunter calls her brother who eventually comes and stands outside the door.  They go into the truck and call her dad.  I make dinner.

She comes in and I am on the computer with her bank trying to get cash moved as she said she was going to drain all of the accounts just to fuck me over.  Of course, my bank cash was moved out of her reach months ago when this thing first started.  She flips out and calls all the banks and try’s to move all the money.  All she can do is $100K from her bank since I had put a hold on the rest until I could get to a branch and get some moved over.

She throws away the dinner that I had left for her.  I know what you are thinking.  What the fuck is he still making her dinner after all of that?  I think I hate myself and have been trapping myself in this relationship as much as she has been hating herself and doing the same.  What a fucked up pair we are.  Unfortunately, I still live by a code that she and her family will never understand.  That’s why my sister says hello and talks to Hunter when she sees her at Target and my Mom gives her a hug and tells her she loves her at my daughter’s Xmas pageant and her brother gives me dirty looks and they all fight over money but spend no time with each other.  No honor in the her household.

I am sure there is more that went on that day.  I don’t remember much.  Just hyperventilating.  Calling people for help, and how wonderful and supportive my sister is.

What I am left with are a lot of unanswered questions, and the following personal references:

1.  I was the only love she referenced with a Pet Name.

2. I was the only referenced with a kiss.

3. I was the second of three so I am assuming that at some point she was planning on leaving me.  I am guessing after Chris cut ties she lost all of her non-Andersen friends at PwC and was so alone that she couldn’t bear to be without me as well.

4. She always felt that she was out of my league after Chris.  And maybe she was physically or professionally (although had I not listened to her and left Andersen or she had not told one partner to not hire me back when another had made the arrangements to bring me back).

5. That at least before she got pregnant she wished she had not passed up on fucking other guys who were more in her league (at least on occasion).

It’s sad.  She was a frightened little girl from the wrong side of the tracks and I showed her London, Paris, art, music, plays, musicals, symphonies, operas. I showed her the depths of books and movies and all she ever wanted was to drink, dance, and fuck.  Just like the trailer park trash she was and always desired to be around.  I know when we met that was what brought us together – a common history of drug use and reckless behavior.  But I grew up and wanted a mature relationship and she regretted never getting the chance to date.

Well here it is Hunter. Your chance to change your stars.  It will come at a price that you do not see coming.  When everyone hears about your infidelity and reads what is down below they will see me as an immature fool, and you as what you really are.  You said you only married me for the engagement ring (which you will never wear again), had an affair to replace me within a year, then stayed with me until you earned enough to pay for the house on your own and had the kids to keep you from being lonely will only drive the world to see you as you as you really are.  And your personal screams of “cheating whore, cheating whore, Hunter’s just a cheating whore” will haunt you forever until you come to terms with what you have done.

Since you will not find professional help with this it will never come.  Eventually, you will ask that I take the children.  I am sure it is after you find your next soulmate at QCOM.  Patrick was your SM until you met me.  I was your SM until you met Chris.  Now Taylor or whoever will be the next train wreck of a relationship will be your SM.  Funny thing – I am the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with – before the marriage – and after the affair by having children with me.  You know the truth – I am a better man, a better father, and a better human than you will ever deserve.  You can live 100 lifetimes and you will never be worthy of me.  Except this isn’t a novel. This is real life and I won’t look after you for the rest of my life.  You haven’t earned that privilege.

The writings – pregnancy – lies about the pregnancy – brother & dad – trying to break the recorder.

The writings must have been on the PwC computer and got transferred over when she quit.  The original writings are all before we bought this particular computer so I am sure she may not even have remembered them when she dumped them on our computer otherwise she would have deleted them or sent them somewhere.  Unless subconsciously she wanted me to find them someday.

Not sure what else there was, if any, but it amazes me that she would feel these things and stay with me for so long.  I feel so foolish knowing that I wanted a divorce a couple of times, but always thought that if I just gave her (jewelry, children, time for work, etc.) that she would finally be happy.  All along she would only be happy without me and now that she makes enough to go it alone she discards me like Chris threw her away except how much more insidious for her to wait nine plus years, two kids, and a 63 mile commute.  All because she wanted someone to make her feel pretty and desirable and I didn’t have a job so I was not worthy enough for her to feel my desire for her.

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