12/7/13 – How Do You Move On – By Suffering

Yesterday was busy so I chose to take a nap instead of writing. Saw Ben in the morning. I went through everything that happened and he agrees with my sister on two points. 1. She can’t handle both of the kids and eventually will come looking for aid and help in excess of the 1/3 time I get them. Not sure I believe it. I think it is just enough time to get rest and drunk/fucked by some dbag in between time with the kids. 2. I need to move on. There is a better life out there I just need to get through the suffering to get to it even if it is not as financially viable it will be emotionally more rewarding.

I asked him how was I going to move on.

– By suffering

– Thanks Ben

– There is no way around it.

– How do I do that without getting angry and calling her names?

– Call her names, rant and rave, get angry if it helps but the only way through it is suffering.

– How do I do that while still being in the same house with her and the kids?

– Get out of the house. Move out as soon as you can. If you can’t move out, then leave the house and act like a crazy person out of the house. Most people are only interested in themselves. They won’t care about you after a while. At most a funny story to family and friends and you won’t love there so who cares. But you need to get through the suffering before you can truly move on.

– And think about what she is going through. What hell she has created for herself.

– I know but when I try and be compassionate to her situation I start to intensify my love and desire for her.

– It’s complicated but you need to learn to be compassionate without that type of love.

– I know. I much prefer to be the person who was used – the “victim” – I hate that word – than to have the memories in her head. (Every time she starts another relationship she will think of me, Don, and Patrick. Nothing but a life of using her body to gain friends and security without ever thinking about the hearts of others.)

I love him being a Buddhist. So correct in how we as humans deal with life on earth. Don’t get me wrong I am a Christian and using forgiveness as a means of healing is vital (and part of the Buddhist compassionate heart) but sometimes the “give it to God” mindset doesn’t always help. Understanding that this is going to hurt, and only going through the pain can you actually move past it. At that time forgiveness is easy.

I keep a couple of quotes on my nightstand (or her nightstand) from Philippians (4:6 and 4:7) and when I am really hurting it helps to pray with gratitude and ask God to take your heart in His hands and it usually helps. It is nice to have Christ as your guide and Savior.

Went to the ortho and he thinks he can help a little, not a lot but for a grand why not? Optometrist was closed and need to drop off dry cleaning.

Brian (my chiro) thinks God will find a better woman for me out there.

We fought on the phone before the Ortho. I guess she didn’t take kindly to my question on where she got the 9 page legal document outlining custody. Then she went off about what daughter is saying at home and at school as if I am telling her stuff yesterday morning Hunter was right in front of me so she heard everything I said and even she admits I didn’t tell daughter that mom was taking always daddy’s kisses. It didn’t help that she is saying things at school and they are approaching Hunter and I. At least Hunter said she would accept the spring week and I get the fall week every year. I told her that is progress although it doesn’t feel that way.

I called an hour later and told her that the fighting was part of the process but we needed to make concessions on both sides as I am giving a lot. I think she know that and doesn’t want to have to compromise but she knows what’s on the other side of “my way or the high way.”

I ate Panda Express and took a nap while the kids were with Hunter’s family. A little quieter than I like or am used to, and that crap good made me feel like shit.

I got scratch post time but no hug/kiss goodnight. That was all she was comfortable with.

This morning she tapped me on the shoulder when she went to get her eyebrows waxed (also the mustache but she never talks about that). That was all she was comfortable with. I know she doesn’t want the extra time and I know it’s not healthy for me to keep going after it – I need to move on but I can’t help myself right now. Just need to keep focusing on getting the divorce docs prepped and reviewed.

I took daughter to Drew’s brother Micah’s party. I know Kelsey was hoping for Hunter but with her dad in town it wasn’t possible. Her and her husband Jason (seems like a good guy) have that picture perfect life with lots of friends and entertaining. It made me very depressed knowing that these nice and friendly, connected people will be her friends and I will be an outcast in this town. An OC’er in North County while she will be a local with friends from daughter’s play dates and Son won’t have any for me due to his condition. The few friends we made at Good Shepherd are gone and now I will be alone for quite a while. Just need to focus on getting through things and moving forward. There were some nice houses in the area just a little farther from the freeway than I would like.

Hopefully I can get some work down and get some time on the custody document and the two income/expense and balance sheet docs to be filled out and reviewed by my attorney before submitting anything. I am guessing that we will be using the 12/1/13 (or 11/30/13) instead of 12/31 to keep things moving forward faster.

Found some business cards for attorneys in the truck. I would guess they were given to her by her brother but my sister is smart enough to tell me to assume she has hired them and not ask her about it. They don’t seem high end. If she used her credit card or a check from her new account I won’t be able to see it for a while. Keep moving forward – losing weight – getting healthy – serving clients – networking down here – getting divorced. I am assuming she will not want more time, but will try and use the “carrot” against me. She is a cheap ass sociopath.
(Not nice to think or say and I am probably just being mean).

Spent some time getting some billable hours done, going over Hunter’s parent plan, giving her the budget info she needed, and folding some laundry. Productive although not fun. Time for dinner – thank you Hunter for the BBQ.

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