12/8/13 – Goodnight, Hunter’s Siren Song

So last night I heard it. It has been a while but I know that song when she sings it. “Goodnight.” A little linger on goodnight With a slight up note at the end. It is her sirens song.

When we were really fighting this summer that was always her queue that she was receptive to a kiss. Not much more than that, but always a kiss. It’s something that she used to always do a long time ago before the kids. She was never into make-up sex with me. Not sure why – not sure it matters. But that song she sings for “goodnight” has been around forever. It’s a strange signal to hear but it is a tell of major proportions. Mostly because I don’t think it is forced – meaning done deliberately. I think it is something she is feeling that comes out. Maybe that feeling is the need for comfort or companionship. It’s certainly something that only comes out when she is feeling comfortable with me and unfortunately can change on a dime.

One night this summer she told me she didn’t love me, that I was a rebound gone bad, she only married me so she could keep the engagement ring, that she would never have sex with me again, and that she wanted a divorce. I talked a little to understand all of this (pre-Chris notification but that was the topic of our fight) and then stormed upstairs. I came down a while later for water and passed her on the stairway and she sang “goodnight.” I walked right past and went back upstairs. Then I came down again and asked her “what no hug and kiss goodnight?” Just trying to verify what I had heard.

– What did I just tell you? I don’t love you, never have, and I don’t want to be married to you anymore.

– Was it me or was there a moment on the stairs where you wanted a hug and kiss goodnight from me?

– Well the moments passed.

– How does that work? How can you say those things and then want a hug and kiss, then say those things again?

No answer.

Last night after I heard it I just said goodnight and went upstairs. Then I texted her GN Freckles, and she texted GN back. Something that she hasn’t always done in the past. I can’t move to fast on this. She needs to miss me more before pushing for anything other than scratch post time or toe time. I don’t really like toe time but she does and it brings us closer and into familiar territory. I doubt we will ever get back together long term, but it would be nice to stay friendly during the divorce. She is going to flip on spousal support / child support so a base of friendship may help.

Of course this morning she isn’t overly pleasant, but that’s what happens when the cats wake you to be fed at 5am and you Aspergers ADHD son is singing at the top of his lungs at 6:30am. I am trying to keep in a good mood. Got a good night sleep, got some work done yesterday, got through my edits of the parent plan (custody) and I cut my hair and shaved. So while Hunter is yelling at the kids downstairs I’m going to shower and get ready for church. Good times.

Church went fine. I saw Kathy and without the glasses she is quite the Betty. She asked how things were going and I didn’t say much. She said she was praying for me, gave me a hug and went off to her class.

After church we went to the park and she got me a STBX S usual. We hung out and I sat close to her for a minute or two as she walked me through the Yahoo! Weather app versus the Apple one. I use The Weather Channel app. Not a lot of contact but enough to know she was feeling a comfortable.

Then we went to Madison’s recital. I hung back and had daughter on my shoulders. Hunter was close video tapping Madison and her parents were on the other side of the arc around the singers. All I got from her brother was dirty looks. Needless to say I was disappointed. I let Hunter know that she needed to talk to him. My family has done nothing but love and support her and the children.

When we got home I let her know that those types of tactics will not be tolerated. I told my family to be loving and kind and that it was bullshit that she didn’t do the same.

– I don’t have control of anyone else but me

– That’s not true. I told my side of the family to be loving and kind. Haven’t they treated you well.

– I haven’t seen them in a long time.

– This summer they treated you well. My parents just a couple of weeks ago told you they loved you, hugged you, and asked if there was anything they could do or you. Your brother gives me dirty looks the first opportunity he gets. This will not be tolerated and will not end well if keeps up with this nonsense.

– I will tell him, but I didn’t tell him to do it.

– I know. He has never liked me because he was friends with Patrick. Right – your brother was the same guy that got drunk with Patrick the weekend we moved in together and gave Patrick our new phone number so that Patrick could call you up and call you a bitch, a whore, a cunt.

– I will talk with him.

It amazes me how messed up her family is. Seriously, dad cheats on mom, Hunter cheat on Patrick, then she cheats on me, and the rumor is her brother cheated on his wife. I know her sister never really date anyone on this continent and has always had daddy issues. She only dates guys at least my age. Steve is older than me, has a kid and a grand kid, and doesn’t speak to his brother. Then again she doesn’t really speak to her brother, and her brother and Hunter don’t really talk. Her dad doesn’t speak much to any of them unless her sister needs money or her brother is trying to win his love by giving him business. The best thing that will come out of the divorce for Hunter is she will have to spend time with her family and pretend to care about Madison and her sister since I won’t be there. Like when we saw them at the pool this summer. They both spent the entire time playing with me and Hunter just watched Son. She doesn’t get involved unless she has to and now she will have no choice. Plus it will bring her closer to her dad who will call to see how things are going. I am sure they are all trying to screw me financially on the divorce since they are all so damn cheap. At least when push comes to shove a long expensive litigation will be avoided by Hunter at all costs.

Needless to say I took a walk and left my sister a rant voicemail to get it out of my system.

When I came home I held Hunter’s hand (she didn’t protest like she did when I asked to give her a hug since she needed it) and let her know that I didn’t think she was the type of person to get her brother to do that. That he never liked me and now he had a reason to be a dick in the guise of being a good brother. I might have over reacted, but that she and I needed to try and get through this without issues. As I said, I am sure my vision of my life in church is what is supposed to happen, but it would be great if she and I could learn to be friends again before she starts dating someone else. Once she does that she will shut most people from her past out of her life and focus on the QCOM family an friends that the new guy will bring her.

This afternoon – Sunday dinner at my sisters.

It’s times like today that makes me so dumbstruck. As we are dumping out the litter Genie into a trash bag because she (or “someone” as she puts it aka me) didn’t tie the bottom of the bag last time it was used I sit there and think this is the problem. Her affair was solely drink, dance, fuck. No love, romance, pet names, or real dates. No money issues (as the firm paid for everything, or he did, or she did and I didn’t know it since we had separate accounts), no laundry, chores. No future – just fantasy. Even her fantasy for children was a nanny would raise her (yes she only wanted one girl which is why she was so heartbroken when she found out Son was a boy so she had to have two). Now she has a reality that is not a fantasy. I still wonder what fantasy book he left her. She never names is; just says it was his favorite and she reads into it that it was something that he wanted her to have that was part if his heart. Maybe. I have no idea what his actual feelings were other than he did not love her – just liked to fuck her. And I think what a waste of my life on such a foolish, stupid, immature girl. She has obviously moved on a long time ago. Not sure why I haven’t. Probably just pissed that I didn’t have the strength to do it the times I wanted to. What a waste of my life for someone so broken and devoid of moral fiber and human empathy.

Today at church we talked about the true meaning if Christmas. That God sent his son to die for our sins so that we could be redeemed. That no matter what we have done, and who we have hurt that He takes away our guilt so that we may know joy and peace. All I could think was why should she know joy when all she did was steal my life and destroy the concept of family and love to our children. She will find someone again and I will spend the rest of my alone and broke. She is already putting budgets together to change the fireplace, kitchen, and bathrooms once I am gone. She did everything wrong, and will be rewarded with a life with someone and financial wealth. I did what was right (not always perfect) and will be screwed. Still not sure how that works out for me. Sometimes I feel I should just be like her and ruin her life just to be fair. I know life isn’t fair, and that I wouldn’t want my sins published but she went out of her way to make me look bad in front of so many people and debase me in order to justify her infidelity that I want revenge. Isn’t my god also a vengeful God? Can’t I act in a similar manner? It’s not the right way, but as the best part of my life was spent on trying to figure out a way to make her happy and now know that could never happen since I am not Don I want that revenge. I want my pound of flesh and I know this divorce will get ugly once supports are discussed. Maybe vengeance will be for God to enact because I don’t feel there are any blessings to come my way right now. Just loneliness and financial poverty.

Spending the afternoon and evening at family Sunday dinner with my sister, her son, Grandma and Grandpa.

The kids played well with each and left each other alone when asked. Feeling stuffed after eating too much. Definitely should have skipped the cookies.

I texted Hunter twice with no response. She hasn’t been on FB all day so maybe she isn’t carrying it as much. I know she only has held on to it when traveling. Not sure what she talked about at her dads. Almost wondering if she is seeing someone again or if she is texting with someone that she is interested in. I see her smile a lot after reading texts or emails. Of course it could just be work with guidance or her brother since her dad is here. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk with me or she has it plugged in the other room. I’m just lonely without someone that I am closely connected to.

Not that I have been closely connected to Hunter in a very long time. Not emotionally deep. Just someone else there. Like the only friend in the room so you naturally think there is more in common that is the reality. Still lonely knowing the truth. I don’t know how Hunter does it. She must be one of the most lonely people in the world. I hope she finds peace. I know I hate to hear or say that fact sometimes, but I hope we both find joy peace and emotionally fulfilling love interests.

No matter what she says everyone needs love.

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