12/12/13 – She Left Again

Woke up again around 1:30 with her writings in my head again. I am glad we are not sleeping in the same bed. That would just suck to have to explain shit every time I slept downstairs. I woke up later this morning and thought to myself I am getting used to sleeping in a bed alone and I kind of like it again.

I am still back and forth on things with her, but I am starting to lean the other way more and more.

Strange time on the stairs this morning. We talked a little and there was the start/stop by me/her on whether I was going to initiate a hug or not. No hug since I decide to pass. Mainly just trying to find out where she is at – receptive but not initiating.

Just got off the phone to let her know that I will be working late and she called to “manage the kids expectations” or maybe her own sanity.

– I’ll let the kids know you’ll be home to tuck them in bed

– Ok I’ll see you guys when I get home.

– Hang up

– Bye (what a bitch – why do I ache for someone who treats me this way – cheats on me treats me like shit – gives me an std – says the most hurtful things you can say to a spouse – writes that school girl dribble about her dbag soulmate and I have the heart ache. Chris and her deserve each other – selfish, soulless pieces of shit. Maybe it time I take her to the cleaners!)

Well I guess more prophet words were written. She bitched about the custody restrictions for her.

– Isn’t it fair that we both be bound be the same restrictions?

– Stop saying fair. Nothing about this is fair. Why can’t you see my point of view. I’m the one with the commute. Thirty miles is practically the border from the edge of EUSD.

– I don’t know why you think I’m going to move.

– you’ll find someone at QCOM and then move to Del Mar or Scripps Ranch and your term states that custody switches and you know I can live down here and commute to OC with the kids and my job.

– but that’s fair if I am bound by the terms so should you.

– but that’s a chess match where you get to take the kids because you know in a few years I won’t be able to get a job down here that pays the bills. 100 plus mile commutes and I won’t spend any time with the kids. What kind on relationship do you have with your day?

– her crying – he didn’t have a relationship with me because he didn’t want one.

– you ever think it was because your mom made it miserable and impossible to spend time with you. Do you want that to happen to our kids an me. I want to spend time with them and I want to make sure I can with this stuff but you can’t put in 30 miles that’s practically the border.

– don’t bring up my dad – don’t you dare. And she storms off into the bathroom.

She calms down and I start asking if she is interested in the additional time. She says she isn’t sure and wants to decide for the right reasons. Not because it’s easy, but because she wants to.

I start telling her I am the one putting my heart on the line. That I still love her and that’s why I want more time.

She says how could I love her?

I say I just do. Then we start taking about Chris. She refuses to answer some questions. Then she keeps asking why I bring it up

– Chris told his wife. Your dad told your mom. Why can’t you just answer my questions?

– why do you want to bring up the past?

– it doesn’t make sense to me that you would stay with me for another 10 years and not love me. Two kids a house a life and you never loved me?

– Silence

So I start asking the questions. The timeline doesn’t make sense but the answers do. She emailed his wife and told her she was sleeping with Chris to stop him from leaving Hunter. She say she hooked up in Chicago, Vegas (as it was written) and a few times in Palm Springs. She didn’t count but she didn’t says she didn’t fuck him as often as I think.

– it wasn’t like that

– what was it like?

– I don’t know. It was 10 years ago.

– why would you do that?

– I didn’t love you

– why would you marry me if you didn’t love me?

– I don’t know

– why didn’t you leave me?

– I didn’t want to be alone

– what kind of human being does that?

– I hope the $1.5 million is enough

– what kind of human being does that?

– I’m done. I’m leaving.

And she left. I called my parents and my dad came over and we talked forever. There is no turning back. It’s over and I know. I just need to emotionally come to terms with it and leave.

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