12/22/13 – Date of Dissolution

Started the day with Piper sneaking in bed before 5am. Around 6 came on the tv. Around 7am Son was still asleep so I went downstairs to snuggle with Hunter. She didn’t even blink when I came in the bed. She just rolled on we back and put my hand on her stomach which I love and she hates. We snuggle for a half hour before I kissed her on he lips which irritated her. She is definitely confused. Need to keep reading the book to understand how her mind works and how to make thing better for all of us.

Went the zoo – not too bad until the end when she started to lose it with my comments. But I think it is unfair to invite Son to make Xmas cookies on Monday but Piper who is literally sitting next to her. She shouldn’t just use spr for friends and not feed her emotional needs. It’s not fair to daughter. Unlike Hunter I may not bond with him like I do Daughter but I make sure to talk and play with him everyday.

So the Chargers won – I did some work and Hunter went ape shit. She didn’t get a nap. Daughter didn’t nap. Son has been needy and crying a lot because of it. With all that I started yelling too. Now I am upstairs taking a break to get away from everything. She can really flip a lid.

I asked her if the physical stuff was affecting her.

– No, right now it’s the kids and Daughter didn’t nap and the stuff about dates (asked her what the date if dissolution should be – she agreed to 12/31 with the I’m sure I’m getting screwed – yeah you and Chris I got fucked over you condescending bitch).

– Are you sure?

– Yes but I’m sure I’m going to get yelled at because you think I want it.

– Ok, I’ll stop if that helps.

– Yes, no. That’s fine. Maybe it’s better

– OK, we’re done with it. Go to the store and get away from the kids.

For me that means withdrawing emotionally as well and that will make here feel abandonment issues I’m sure. I’m guessing that she emotionally is just looking to get custody settled with the thought that I will just move out and we won’t have I deal with any of the other stuff for a while or we can somehow figure this out.

I don’t think she wants the relationship with me. I’m almost sure of that now that she had to admit to things and what I said that one night. At least it will give me enough time to tape more tidbits for court if I need them. I know she thinks she wants to be alone, but she also doesn’t want to have to answer questions or actually feel alone. I think that is why she will take her naps downstairs with me watching tv or hang out on the couch an touch legs with me. She needs someone; not necessarily me.

She still hasn’t made arrangements with Kelsey (play date with Drew) or Monica (play date with Blake) or her brother for the holidays. She is going to so something on the 27th and that gives me time to settle on issue with the court and financials. I’m sure it will cost me $5k to get this thing done her way, but if I can end up with $275k plus everything else that should work. Then again I may end up with both kids or at least Daughter (which I keep pushing for since it’s what I really want – we have so much fun :)…

I know it’s not healthy for son but Hunter is not going to be able to handle the two of them and all of the baggage that will come with her promiscuity after the divorce and she starts getting lonely. Unlike most women she can’t tell the good guys from the bad (Chris is an obvious issue).

Part of me is dying to call Holli and see if she still has that email. I know it’s a long shot but what luck would it be if I could get a hold of it. I would own her for the rest of her life. No BS about custody or money or anything. It would always be her inability to handle the world because of who she is. Maybe she would finally have to come to terms with it and own her history and heal. Only heaven knows what it would do. I can only hope God knows what’s best for everyone.

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