So I woke up around 1:30 ranting again. I know it’s not healthy – at least no one can hear me. I have got to stop reading that shit. Didn’t even mean to it was just on the computer when I was cleaning it up.
Working from home today to skip the drive. It shouldn’t take too long this morning and then my call at noon. Then I can get the car washed, withdraw some cash, and go to the gym. Hopefully, I can keep my mouth shut around Hunter.
Kornberg – 49.5″ & 58# – good percentile!
Of course Hunter’s tunic today is a bit short – hardly covering her ass. She must be totally on the prowl again. I am sure two nights alone in her room have made her a bit lonely. She isn’t willing to do what right because it would mean losing me as a stabilizing factor. Maybe Kornberg would fuck that. I would and I am sure I was close to getting in there again. I heard it in her voice a couple of days ago – the “if I fuck you can I go to sleep after?” She did a lot of that this summer. Not anymore from my side. Maybe being celibate is the right thing for me for a while. I hope Hunter figures that out but base on her dress style she is DTF AGAIN. Will there ever be a time where she decides to make honest friends? Not just using her body to make them. Her pathology is so messed up right now. It scares me how messed up I was to let this go on so long. At least santoria woke me to my issues.
Still alternating between anger and love. She walks in today from her brother and I all I want to do is hug her and talk with her. I know I can’t but it’s this struggle that kills me right now. She doesn’t care – she just wants to be free but can never be that way with me around. I just want to keep my lifestyle that I gave her. I will try one last time to get her to do the right thing but she is probably not into it.
I started to figure out why I am so freaking out (besides the money) is the loneliness. She has always been lonely with the exception of when she starts to fall in love then she gets lonely. She is used to it. I am not so I keep looking at email, FB, text, and OKC to see if there is anyone out there willing to reach out to me. Because I’m lonely and feel her loss creates a greater loneliness than I’ve ever known. I guess with this insight I can lean to bifurcate my feelings of loneliness and love. Let’s try tonight.
Sat in the chair all night. Watched tv together although I was on the phone all night. She seemed happy – I’m guessing she needs companionship too. She left at 9:30 and so did I.