Woke up around 7 and wanted to go snuggle and didn’t. Good start to my day. Still wonder where Hunter went off to. I am guessing she went to a local joint for dinner or a drink to get hit on and feel better about herself. She’s only happy if someone wants to fuck her. She was either molested or the date rape loss of her virginity messed up her psyche in a way that she will never be able to undue without professional help. God knows she will never do that.
I got another reply from Mejkan. Not a single question for me but she initiated the last contact so she must at least be trying to keep something moving. Nice to know that there are opportunities out there. Listening to L talk about being asked for hookups I feel sorry for Hunter. That will play right into her weaknesses and she will eventually hate herself more. I know she thinks she is being loved but only used. Part of the reason I am not going down this morning. I will just want to take things further and she will feel used which is probably more of an accurate statement now. Since she is taking notes and possibly meeting other people on line there is no value unless she approaches me. The best part – she fill be getting laid more than me but I am the one who has a remote chance of finding happiness. Besides her soulmate is in Seattle.
She grilled me a little this morning. “That’s all you got for shopping that long?”
I didn’t take the bait. Just spoke about the Outlet Mall and showed her the pants. Ordered a black pair online too.
It appears she took a walk and looked at houses for me. Then B&N, then she went to the Craftsman for a burger. Interesting since her burger joint is The Counter. Either she was hoping to run into me there since that’s the place I like and have taken friends there or she met someone there. I’m not sure which. I can see both as plausible. She did get straight to her phone when I was leaving and texted someone then asked when I would be home. I’m sure I will know she I see the credit card bill.
We are at the park and she keeps yelling at the kids in front of everyone. She can easily just walk over to Son and talk to him or gently let daughter know not to pet the strange dog but no – got to yell in front of all the other parents. Maybe it’s the hot single blond that I briefly talked with. I am obviously not her type but I am tired of not being friendly because of her. I’m sure if there is no receipt she met someone there. I would guess she kissed him if she did meet someone but out of obligation since she doesn’t seem happy. More likely she was hoping to run into me.
Son is upstairs watching tv in my room. Hunter is sleeping in her room and I’m exhausted with the head cold.
L checked out my profile again. Not sure what she was looking for or if the name change got her. Either way I’m now curious if she’ll be interested in a friendship. I’m guessing not but I’ll call her midweek and see what’s up.
I asked to download the pictures in Hunter’s phone as she said I could several times. Obviously paranoid that I’m looking for something. She changed the password in her phone and used the word “access” when she talked about giving me the new one. She knows I checked her phone legally. Must have spoken with her brother or dad. Maybe if she wasn’t so messed up and constantly lying we wouldn’t be here but I guess I need to get used to being broke because she is losing it again.
She has been screaming at Son for almost 20 minutes because he shoved daughter really hard. Now he has to be last at everything. I keep telling her there is a healthier way for daughter to grow up but that would cost Hunter money and we know where that goes. She is becoming one sad little person.
I should have known today was going to be tough. Hunter was checking out all day sitting on the front room couch doing the crossword puzzle. At the park I asked what her end game was for the divorce. What the value of the house was? She started getting upset. She talked about how it’s not worth much more than what we paid for. She was looking at the other houses for the valuation not for me. She made comments about the value of the firm and how convenient it is and how unfair this is to her. I reminded her the only person this is unfair to is me. The only person the marriage was convenient for was her. I’m tired of the little girl who wants and whines but does not accept responsibility. She even knows the best for daughter but doesn’t want to pay the price of support. Not that she really cares about her. Her BPD is irritating to me since she doesn’t care to get help.
So we have to leave the park early because the kids want her since she is walking away taking a break. Of course there goes Hunter flipping out because her kids need her. We get home and she bangs and slams cabinets and I go for a walk. She doesn’t qualify as an anti-social personality disorder but closer to BDP and narcissism. Crazy sad little girl. What a nightmare I am in.
From an OKC point I took my sisters advice and put the fact that I am separated on the profile. I’m guessing the dating is over. At least I can network and go to lodge for friends and social needs.
Now all of the anger and yelling by Hunter is put Son in a complete meltdown over taking his shower first. Of course, she locks her self in her room because she can’t handle all of this and I am up here watching over Son to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself and daughter is alone downstairs. Not really appropriate for a three year old with a proclivity for eating in edible objects and climbing on everything. But what is a dad supposed to do when the mother is checking out again because she can’t handle all of this.
She create this mess and then walks away when it’s too hard. I hope at some point in time she learns to accept her failures and ask Holli, Chris, and myself for forgiveness. It is probably the only way she will forgive herself and grow spiritually and have a chance at a happy life. Maybe the only chance any of us will have if she keeps down this self destructive path without professional help. God help us all.
So I spend the next 30 minutes watching daughter as Hunter plays the piano as loud as possible and yelling at Son to sit down. At one point in time she drags him across the floor to where he is supposed to be. I can’t do much since daughter is in the bath but make some constructive comments when things are out of control. She doesn’t listen. Eventually he starts to draw and things calm down. I take care of daughter (clothes, hair, teeth) and send her downstairs. I come down and she is snuggling with Hunter. Even daughter recognizes her issues and needs. So sad that a three year-old has to mother a 38 year-old. Strange world.
Gave Hunter scratch post time to help alleviate the anger. Then a shot of a Bravo show in Chicago and I hear is Hunter’s voice going on about hooking up with Chris in Chicago. Fuck me – I’m tired of the pain and anger. Starting to keep talking myself out of the anger but not as good as reducing the hurt. I still can’t fucking believe I am in this hell. Why would somebody do what she did? I’m mystified – just something I will never understand and probably don’t want to. I hope she is overly agreeable on the divorce so I don’t get nasty and angry with her. She doesn’t recognize how embarrassed and hurt she will be when I get true and honest when people ask. Greed and arrogance are not qualities people will appreciate even if they don’t like me they will hate her more.