12/30/13 – Being A Little Brat Again

Woke up around 4 again. I can’t wait to get rid of this head cold so I can start working out again.

I talked with God again but did it quietly and made sure not to say anything negative about Hunter. Not just because she’s taking notes, but because it’s not healthy for me. Unfortunately, I’m sure she will write down lies to make herself look like the victim not the predator. But seriously 12 years of my life and she is fighting over money. Shouldn’t a person feel guilt for ruining my life? This while marriage has been a lie for her convenience and now that I don’t make enough money she can throw me away. I can see why both her parents don’t like her. She is not a good person. If she really loved daughter she would let her go but it’s all about the money with Hunter.

Son came in my room this morning for a change and then daughter. I was able to get them both ready to go, but Hunter was still sleeping at 7am. The music I payed for daughter to get her going woke her up and yes she was in a less than pleasant mood. I’m guessing she didn’t sleep much. I am sure the scratch post time and then straight to bed confused her. But why sit there and stew about her infidelity in front of her. No value. Go to sleep and get up early – just need to get rid of this cold so I can work out and keep that timing. What a great value being single might be if I can make the numbers work.

I payed her a couple of compliments on her new tunic and helped her out by giving her a confidential print out from QCOM. She won’t even be in the same room as me. Again I’m sure she heard what she wanted this morning but I was very clear in not saying anything negative.

What a brat at the attorneys office. I can’t believe this whole time everyone is sitting there going sure we can do that but not today. At least I got the attorney to waive privilege on the documents in case I need them. Now I just need to get Kendall to get the 12/31 financials done ASAP.

I talked with her about her anger after the attorneys. She says she didn’t hear anything and I told her I am going out of my way not to be angry. It’s not healthy for me or the kids.

– go ahead and be angry

– why so you can write it down in your notes and go file some trumped up charge.

– …

– you know I had my life stolen from me like some grifters movie and yet you get to be angry with me.

– why would you think that?

– that’s what you said.

– I never said that

– you told me you only married me for the engagement ring, you lined up a replacement for me in less than a year, you did all the things that you did, lied about when it didn’t work out, stayed with me because I was doing well in my job, and now that I’m not earning that much and you can afford this place on your own you throw me away. Those are your words not mine.

– she walks away and doesn’t respond

I’m sure she is steaming again over how she wasted her life with me which just infuriates me. She chose to lie to me, to stay with me, to pretend we were a family until she didn’t need my money anymore. I know she thought I would just move to OC and pay my checks. She has said it on a couple of occasions. “I just assumed you would move back where your job is and visit on the weekends.” Imagine what those checks would have been to write – $2,500 a month. I would still be paying her mortgage which is what I think she was betting on. All about the Benjamin’s with her. I don’t get her ability to switch personas so quickly. She doesn’t qualify as a sociopath since she cut herself so much in Jr & high schools plus when Chris left. I just wish I could walk away without any obligations and start a new life. But my sense of responsibility won’t let me and she knows how much I love those kids. It’s her only tactic to ruin me, but I hope God will provide.

Interesting afternoon. I left her and Son alone most afternoon at the dealership getting my oil changed and the car washed, bought a book on beer and Haim for daughter.

Started napping on the couch when Hunter and Son came back from the pool and she snuggled with me for an hour or so with lots of kisses. I told her I loved her and that I didn’t expect her to say it back. Just she needed to know and that isn’t changing anything. She seems a lot more comfortable when I give her a little love reassurance. It helps – just need to keep me from getting too caught up in it again.

Of course tonight she wants the snuggle but won’t admit it. When she moves because she’s uncomfortable I move over and gets upset. Then I suggest she go to bed and she gets really upset. I told her I wasn’t going with her and she got more upset. I asked her why she was getting upset and she didn’t have an answer.

Son is upset since the lights are off and we are watching tv. So I tell him I will come upstairs. I let Hunter know what is going on and tell her she can come upstairs for some inappropriate snuggle. Then she does and wonders why is stick my hand down her pants grabbing her ass. She doesn’t tell me to stop. She doesn’t get upset. She just hangs out. However, when she leaves and I tell her she can stay she yips about not coming up here again. I told her in advance what I wanted so why the issues. She crazy…

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