12/31/13 – She Is Doll Eyed Again

Spent the morning snuggling with Hunter – always why / what do you want.

In the bathroom playing around she let me take her pj bottoms off. The first time she laughed the second she didn’t so I let her be.

She took the kids to the park while I did some work. I’ve got a little more to do but it’s nice it’s over with.

Was looking at homes on Zillow – very depressing. Something nice for the kids and I have to sell the car. Can’t afford the maintenance on that mileage. I just wish Hunter would give me daughter and some cash/stock and let us start over in OC. Not going to happen but that’s my dream. I could find a way to make things work with daughter and my job (working early & late instead of driving) and the girls would help during busy season. Son would get all of her attention and Hunter would relax without dealing with daughter and I. We would both get a fresh start at life. It wouldn’t be easy but we would be free from her craziness and daughter could learn that love isn’t physical violence (Son) and emotional abuse (Hunter). I just want to be free from this nightmare…

Had a little pity party this afternoon. I’m sure Hunter heard some of it since she was upset when I came down. Again I made sure to be quiet and not to say a single negative word about her. I just complained how I was too tired to start over at 43 and how undue it was since I had done everything that God had asked of me.

So I took a walk. When I came back we walked to the park at the clubhouse. Of course daughter is saying I have a fat belly (Hunter says that) and “damn it” when she is upset (which is a phrase Hunter uses all the time). Then as we approached the park daughter kept going on about how she is a bad girl and does mean things. This is what kills me because I can’t stop Hunter from telling her these things and she is internalizing them. She wonders why I want to take her away from here and that’s why. Hunter wonders why daughter has such an attachment issue with her blanket Chocolate. If she understood attachment psychology she would understand its daughter’s need for her mothers love which vanishes and reappears that keeps her blanket needs present. Funny she doesn’t have that need at school.

So this evening was a disaster. Son gets very upset because he has to wait for us at the light and refuses to come into the house once we get home. Daughter is crying and complaining for food. I’m snacking on cashews because Hunter has gone catatonic again because she can’t handle the stress. She won’t choose a restaurant for take out – I think because she wanted to go out. None of the dozen restaurants are good enough so why not sit there and sulk with doll eyes. Son has a complete meltdown and I am trying to get him inside and Hunter decides go to the bathroom and cry. She says she will eat at Buca and I say go ahead and order and there is the fight.

– why should I order?

– you’re the one who didn’t like any of my choices so just chose something

– what do you want?

– pick something and order

– why do I have to order?

Seriously, this is the insanity I deal with.

Son finally shuts down and Hunter brings him and soothes him and calls daughter over to be the good mom. I get hit, kicked, scratched and spit at trying to keep everyone safe while Hunter is shut down, but now that it’s easy she’s the hero.

Now she won’t order because she is taking care of Son. She is the best mom in the world and I’m a jerk for being upset that she still won’t take five minutes to order dinner because she didn’t want anything that I wanted. So I told her that it was wrong that she is only willing to help once it’s easy. I shouldn’t have to do the hard work and she take credit for everything. She says she will go to her brothers for the evening because he has a party going on.

Wtf – seriously did she pick this fight just so she could go get drunk and fuck some random dude? I just cannot fathom the depth if her issues.

She finally orders and goes to pick up while Son and I play Wii.

She’s pissed all during dinner and I refuse to talk to her. Something in her snapped after dinner and she started humming and pretending to be the good mom. She is psychotic – glad I’m no longer married to her tomorrow. What a waste of my life and I’m getting to the point that her life is going to be hell since she refuses to release me.

Did she do the cost splitting schedule she said she was going to do? NO

Did she start the refi process? NO

Did she spend time digging up and going through my stuff to get the old partnership agreement? YES

Goes through my room, goes through my iPad, and work computer snooping for things and I’m the jerk.

FYI – funny how she had a dr appointment at the end of 2003 just like her book said she was pregnant. She is fucked up…

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