1/1/14 – Happy New Year

So last night was a banner way to ring in the new year. After making up for our fighting I want snuggle.

– Why your not going to get laid?

– Why not?

– Why do you want to?

– Because I love you – I’m horny – it’s New Years

– Well I’m not going to your bedroom and she walks towards the bathroom

– Ah come on. A little pity sex never hurt anyone.

– Yeah but if I give you pity sex tonight you will come for it everyday

– That’s not true

– It’s not?

– Have you ever know me in 16 years to want to have sex with you everyday?

– She gives me a look

– Other than when we were first dating?

– She gives me a smile

– See I’ve got you on that one

– She smiles and goes to the bathroom

After she comes back I lead her I her bedroom by the hand. We start snuggling and a little kissing and light petting. She roles over on her back. But she looks stiff.

– Where you at?

– Why are you looking at me?

– Trying to understand where you are at

– Does it matter?

– Yes – you seem uncomfortable

– So what does it matter

– Fine – if you are not comfortable just tell me but let’s stop playing this game

– I’m not comfortable

– Ok will you ever be?

– Do I have to answer that right now?

– Yes

– I don’t think so

– So why all these games? Why do you want to hang out in the living room with me? You generally don’t stay there if I’m not there. Why the snuggle? Why do you let me put my hand down your pants?

– I don’t know – maybe I think it will make things easier around here

– People don’t do that Hunter – why are you lying? I get up and out of bed.  What’s different now? You haven’t loved me for 12 years and didn’t want to marry me and lined up a replacement within six months and now you are uncomfortable.

– I don’t know how to explain it

– why would you do that? Why didn’t you leave me? You were totally honest with Chris’s wife but you still can’t be honest with me after 10 years.

– I thought I could make it work

– But now that I’m trapped in hell and don’t make enough for you and you can afford this place without me now it’s the time.

– It’s not like that

– What’s it like? You only marry me for the ring. When you boyfriend dumps you and your cutting yourself I’m the one that takes care of you. You tell his wife everything and lie to me. She got what she wanted a fresh start. Chris got what he wanted and new life with a new wife and kids. You got what you wanted by lying to me everyday and staying with me until you got me totally screwed.

– How do you see that?

– You waited until I was fucked with the commute and then divorced me

– It’s not like that

– It’s exactly that. You said several times that you expected me to go back to Orange County and cut a check. That way you could get a new kitchen, a new bathroom, and a new fireplace. You told me you expected I would do just what your dad did. But I’m not like that so I’m in North County hell for the rest of my life.

– What do you want me to do?

– You know what I want. I want my 12 years back but I can’t have them. So I want the best thing that came out of this marriage – Daughter. We can make a fresh start and enjoy our lives where she isn’t constantly hit or kicked by our son.

– Great leave me with the retard. So that broken ones stay here and the perfect ones leave.

– He’s not a retard. In a couple of years things are going to be so much better for him. He won’t need Debbie; he’ll be in a regular after school program. Daughter will be in the best school district in the county.

– I’m glad you have such bullshit dreams for Son. Besides Daughter is young enough her memory of me will fade.

– No we would still have one weekend a month each, the four weeks a year, alternating holidays so the kids see everyone and spend time together.

She starts checking out again.

– I know I don’t know if it’s the right thing for her. But right now I’m not strong enough to keep this bullshit drive up having to see you multiple times a week. I think it’s crap that in your fucking babysitter.

She goes on about moving on and last Saturday and hoping I was fucking someone else. Like I would hookup with a whore like her who would fuck a married dude in a cheap motel.

Then there is talk about Chris and what I want.

– You know what I want but I can’t get it so you figure something out

– Why you just tell me and I will give it to you.

– I told you what I want but you won’t give me that.

She goes on about her mom, dad, blah,blah,blah. All about her nothing about me.

– See this is the problem. You go I can’t make up for it so I won’t try. I mean you don’t even care.

– How do you know how I fell?

– Because you told me. You told me you didn’t really care that much about breaking my heart but about how Chris broke your heart. It’s all about you. What about all of the people you hurt?

– Just tell me what you want

– I want to be free and have a fresh start.

– Then let’s get the divorce done and you can leave in February.

– How convenient right in the middle of my busy season. Everything was fine while you were in your busy season and I was taking care of the kids but now that I’m strapped for time in this North County hell now it’s a good time?

– She goes on about money and giving me the kids so I can move back to OC, and how I want her to kill herself for the insurance money. All manner of nonsense to escape the conversation.

– Figure out what you are going to do to make up for taking my life. And I walk away.

Upstairs I rant quietly about how rude it is of her to say all of those things – most of them in front of the kids – how she can scream she is a cheating whore in the shower and how she wasted her 15 years and I’m the bad guy. I made sure I didn’t call her any of those names last night. I am sure her notes say something else. She will lie to do anything. But that will work in my favor. She will fail all of the psych tests as she isn’t smart enough to figure it out. What a horrible nightmare she has made for me. I hope there is a special place in hell for her.

She told me last night she didn’t want me to love her anymore and move on. Done. I hate her as she requested. Now no one but the kids love her – well until she tells her mom and then she won’t love her either.

She won’t look or talk to me this morning. I gave her all the wedding photos. Of course she had to sleep in. Couldn’t get up for the kids like everyday? I hope she rots for a while and eventually figures out how to ask for forgiveness. I’m sure she will just continue the same pattern of deifying and devaluing guys when they don’t meet her standard. What a brat!!!!

Took the kids too the park. She bought me a Starbucks beforehand.

Took the kids to see Frozen after nap, and then to Sublime afterward. We snuggled a little after she finished her book but she was still pissed so no bedrooms.

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