Started the day snuggling with Hunter in her bed. Not much kissing and no below the clothes. She was very specific about it. She said I had to wait. Again another system as if things are going to happen sometime. I told her the rules of the road for me:
1. She may not like the snuggle but she likes the fact that I want to snuggle with her. And I know she will never admit it.
2. I have feelings for her (love) and she knows that.
3. I love her more than she loves herself and and I will continue to love her until she or someone else decides to love her more.
4. While we are living together and before she finds my replacement, I will continue to snuggle with her with the aim of developing a sexual relationship until she tells me to stop.
5. That we both be part of each other’s life for a very long time – until the Daughter is able to take care of herself (approx 12).
Her response – well you are going to have to wait.
– Wait for what?
– It will take some time for me to get comfortable
– For what?
– Your going to have to say something.
– What do you want me to say?
– What are you thinking?
– Do you want me to leave or are you clear with what I am after?
– Why do you have to talk so much?
– Have you known me for 16 years to not talk?
– Your like our kids
– So do you understand the rules of the road?
– I said you are going to have to wait
– I’m not asking for sex right now – I just want you and I to be clear
– Do you understand what I want or should I leave
– Yes, fine, just be quiet
So I grab her ass and she tells me she is uncomfortable.
– It’s above the clothes
– I told you you’d have to wait
– I told you you’d have to wait – I wasn’t comfortable.
I go get the kids ready (meds & breakfast). Somewhere in all of that I grabed her breast (above clothes in the beginning) and Son asks why I am in there since we are not supposed to be sleeping with each other. Then we go to the park.
I ask her if she feels like sometimes we are just a married couple who just doesn’t have sex. Her response : don’t you want to spend time with the kids. But neither of us really spend anytime with the kids at the park. She is mostly watching and I’m working but I think she likes me there to help. I’m guessing this is my life with the occasional bad date when I’m single until she finds someone else to help her (boyfriend). I’m still guessing she is online or chatting. She seems to be texting more and I doubt it’s her brother or sister-in-law.
We have lunch and try and play outside. Son freaks out over me playing with the Frisbee as a plate for Daughter as he is using the Tee. That sets him off so I get the bikes out of the way which Hunter left outside and go inside for a few minutes. She gets upset because I am upset which drives me nuts since I’m never allowed to be affected by her daily episodes. She send Son go to his room and I play with Daughter for a couple of minutes and then she wants to go to bed.
Hunter goes to her room and I go in and she is pissed. I ask her why and she just tells me to leave. What a brat sometimes.
Things didn’t change after nap. I went downstairs and her and Daughter are on the couch with Hunters phone on her lap. I made a comment about texting her boyfriends and she flips. I get it – it’s a reminder. But what part of she lies to me daily does she not get. What’s worse a bad comment or a lying cheating wife? Besides she is going to get most of what she wants out of my life. I pick her up when Chris dumps her. I pick her up when Patrick calls her a cheating whore and she breaks down. I pick her up when she can’t make partner. I pick her up when she needs to work all those hours. I lose my life so she gains hers and she gets to be angry all the time. She is getting the kids 2/3 of the time and I end up paying her child support and living in a tiny home commuting all of my free time and she will live in the nice big home (which I bought) and the big salary at the big company where she will meet someone who makes more $ than me and live a stress free life while I will spend mine on the 5 & 73 freeways. I would trade places with her in a heart beat. You got the love of a spouse – you got to fuck around whenever you wanted and now that you are on the upside financially you set yourself free. The difference between her and I is I own my story she covers hers up. Ten years – I would be like yeah I fucked up a long time ago. Paid my price and tried to love on but things still didn’t work out. The problem with her is she knows she didn’t try. She thought that I should have done something more and she didn’t do anything but trap me and fuck me over now. I would be like here’s everything. I will buy you a house and you can’t bitch about anything knowing I will make millions more than her. She does not see past her own greed and fear. Sad little girl.
Still a brat all night. She comes home from the Drs with Daughter and “what did you make us for dinner.” I’m sorry it’s barely five and I spent time working with Son on baseball – cleaning out the recyclables – updating Son’s cellphone for tomorrow night – and started going through all the photos I downloaded. Oh and I am doing a couple of loads if laundry and the dishes today. You spent the afternoon being a brat.
She starts taking down the Xmas decorations and I can see she hasn’t really taken a lot of thought into separating things out for me. I get a little nostalgic and angry so I leave for Chick-fil-A for a shake and start reading Awakening the Buddha Within. It is helping me keep focused on the truth. She lied and cheated and I believed the lie for convenience. The whole ten years were not loveless just not passionate new love which I think is the only type that Hunter believes in. Plus I got Daughter out of the deal and at least I am more awake and aware than I was this time lat year which means I will be utilizing my time better. Plus, I now have the freedom to network and mingle without her guilt since she has chosen this reality. She will never be truly happy as she does not seem interested in seeing her actions in a true light. I need to keep myself aware of the moment and understand that only through compassion and forgiveness can she or I ever move on – money or not. Thank God for that!
She was still in a pissed off mood when I came back so I left her alone tonight and she stayed in the living room. Interestingly – she said good night and called me TA-thumper. I have not heard her use my nickname in months….