Brand new day – still couldn’t get up early. Woke up last night around 1 or so – maybe earlier or later. Still thinking about things again. Talked to God a little about the years – how I don’t believe she hasn’t loved me in that long. About what has gone past – about what I want (FWB) with Hunter. I don’t know if I can continue to love her without the physical intimacy. I can’t continue to snuggle and kiss and tell her I love her on occasion and not seal the deal. I get it – it’s not PC but I am an emotional guy and I need both in the relationship. I told God I understood that we had to divorce. She needs to be free of me and the kids to handle the stress but until she can love herself or find someone to love her – I’m it and I don’t want to die before someone else picks up the torch so to speak.
It didn’t help Hunters mood that the kids were yelling at each other this morning. Son teasing Daughter over the bathroom. He ran in and locked the door so she couldn’t brush her teeth. That’s part of her routine to get tv. So she cried and he yelled and by the time I was dressed and getting over to tell Son to unlock the door Hunter was up screaming at everyone. Son for teasing and being a bully (I’ve used this term the last day or two as well and now Hunter is we need to remove it from out linguistics otherwise things are going to get worse for Son if he internalizes it) and Daughter for being a crybaby (which she has started to internalize which is creating a vicious cycle with Hunter).
Thankfully I was able to get Daughter out the door without tv or a fight (which Hunter can never seem to do) and we took off for school / training.
The gals at Daughter’s remarked about my weight loss and the gal at McDonald’s remarked about how I looked good with the weight loss. Nice of God to put a couple of compliments in the start if my day since this training can always be tough…
What a brat she is. I text and invite then down for lunch and she won’t say a word to me. Everything is through Son. In my text she says Son wants to come. I tell her if she doesn’t then make an excuse. She comes anyways. She looks at a menu for a restaurant we walk by and I ask
– Have you been here before?
– Looking for a new joint?
– Can’t I just look at something?
I stay silent. How do you have conversation with a person like this? We walk past a spa and I joke “I’m surprised your sixth sense didn’t take you to the spa.”
– I knew it was there
– Have you been there before?
– No I’ve seen it from the freeway.
Same shit as with Ruth’s Chris on our anniversary. But I’m guessing Ruth’s was her E&Y. Same shit as 83 degrees. She knows where everything is at but “never been.” Most of these places weren’t around when she dated Chris, but maybe with Greg or Taylor. Although I don’t see her with Greg. Not really her type (older). Maybe she really does have that much time to look around on the freeway everyday and check stuff out online during her commute. But seriously – learn how to hold a conversation without being a drunk bitch.
Dinner at Garcias – again. Fuck I’m tired of this routine. We get home and she asks if I’d picked out my house.
– No not really looking. Why?
– I decided to by you a house.
– Do I get snuggle?
– On the couch maybe
– What about good snuggle?
– When your out of the house
– By you or someone else
– I don’t know. I’m the decider
– We will talk about this tomorrow
We get the kids to bed. Take the Xmas tree out. She has scratch post & toe time. We snuggle. Nothing under clothing – period – nothing in a room. That seems to be totally off limits. She won’t even come close to my room at night. I find that strange since the last time she was up here nothing happened but her falling asleep in my arms. I get more aggressive in her room and I’m off limits in there except for mornings. I asked her what was going on and she told me to be quite. I don’t know if I can trust her and she said that I never would. Would she be like this if I asked her to date others. What about the house? I guess I will find out tomorrow…