1/4/14 – Walking Home From The YMCA

Got up with Daughter looking for her mom. I brought her in my room for Disney channel. Went down stairs for a little snuggle – jump right in bed she barely moves when I get close other than to make spooning easier. Btw – her pjs are down practically below her ass but I didn’t notice when I got it so my hands are on her hips below her g string – again she doesn’t move or pull up her pjs. She has ear plugs in and doesn’t hear me ask for a kiss. She is not pleased to be woken up so after she kisses me I leave. Funny she doesn’t pull her pjs at all. For a woman who wants nothing more than me to move out she doesn’t have issues about a little bit of nudity as long as I am not touching her naked ass.

I get Sons meds, cats fed, Daughter changed and then into the shower. Hunter then leaves for her “waxing” (nothing on the calendar) then pick up the shoes. She makes a point to tell me she will be later than usual (multiple times). She is either lying or worried I will give her a hard time. She’s back before ten so I am guessing she was just preventing a comment from me.

Well things went poorly at swim lessons. I wanted to talk about how to make things work and understand what her thoughts and expectations were related to her house comment last night. Of course, she refuses to be straight forward. She just talks about me needing a place. I ask what her end game is and all she says is “I don’t know. I just need a break.”

– What about you and I.

– I don’t know. I just now I don’t want to be angry anymore.

– And you think that will go away without me?

– Being around you stresses me out.

– So you think things will be easier if I move out in February

– Yes – as soon as you want

– How convenient. Why do you always do things based on you schedule?

– How is this convenient for me?

– Well if you knew in July this was what you wanted why wait until now? Because you needed some one to watch the kids during your busy season and now that’s it’s over you move forward without any care about me. That’s convenient.

I storm off and walk home. What a bitch she is sometimes.

I try and talk to her but she is napping when I get home.

After her nap I try and talk about but she gives me attitude over asking her to pay the house expenses. Something I wrote in an email a month ago.

Again I ask about her thoughts on us and ambiguity. I don’t know

– I’m guessing you are sure.

– Is anyone sure about anything?

– Again that is not certain it’s ambiguous. If Chris had said that to you in February 2004 how would have taken it? Like it was over or as if there was a chance. You would have held on to that forever and now you sit around and call yourself the “decider.” Why do you get to decide? Why do you get to use me and throw me away and decide everything?

– Fine then I am 100% sure – I didn’t think I was being ambiguous. She knows she was.

Somewhere inside her she is hoping I will forgive her and go merrily on my way and well get back together.

I play baseball with Son in the backyard. There is some dog poop in there and she wants me to clean it up. I make a comment about how she going to call me everyday for stuff like that. She snipes about how I will call to ask how the vacuum works. I ask if she will buy me one with her Amex points. She says no and remind her that I bought ours with it and that she needs to include them on the schedule. She gets upset and leaves. I don’t remind her where she got the points – cheating on me. She better get nice, kind, and generous or she will be nonplus with the hell and embarrassment that will come her way.

Daughter wakes up and comes down. Not much after that. She starts yelling at me for taking the disk of pictures her father-in-law sent upstairs to copy. Right in front of the kids – then she starts yelling at the kids about the park. She goes on about the mean things I say but is vile and mean to me and the children everyday and she blames me. What’s going to happen during her busy season? What is she going to be like when she starts trolling the bars for companionship and realizes she really isn’t a good person just a sad person unwilling or unable to be helped? She pretends with the moms at the park and thinks things are going to be better – that she’ll have friends. But she will eventually fuck one of their husbands and that will end.

She gets pissy at the park. Why can’t she just chill the fuck out? Seriously, does she have to be so mean about everything. She already ruined my life and used me for money and a chance to make partner by pretending nothing happened and as soon as it doesn’t work out she throws me away. WTF. Does she really believe she is a good person? Of course, Dale Carnegie tells us everyone excuses themselves for their faults but not others. I truly feel like I will spend the rest of my life making her miserable and guilty for what she has done because she always treats me like shit. At what point in time will she start to care about what she’s done and make up for it? Probably never – she will always think that this was my fault and that she is the victim. She truly doesn’t love herself. My only hope now is that her BPD morphs into the mom role and she truly doesn’t go after another romantic relationship. It would be sad to see what she would do to another human being after turning Patrick into an alcoholic – ruining Chris’s wife’s marriage – and train wrecking my career and life. I still go back to when I got the offer to be a manager at Andersen and she had Partner kill the deal because she thought I would make partner before her and therefore she wouldn’t make partner at all. Had she just supported me none of this would have happened.

After dinner the kids watch Brave. I have to turn it up so loud I can’t hardly think because Hunter turns on the dishwasher. I can’t stand the noise and constant questions from Daughter so I go upstairs and rant. I keep hearing the base upstairs for a while then it stops.

I come downstairs and Hunter has turned down the volume to listen to what I was saying. Why does she always eavesdrop? Anyways she has left the kids alone and “gone for a walk” according to Son. What mother leaves their children alone? What type of person uses me for 12 years and then throws me away without a stitch of guilt? What kind of person keeps telling me that we are eventually going to get back together just to try and steal more $ from me? Somedays I wish I had the strength to kill myself or just move to Orange County but then I would be a loser piece of shit like her dad. What a horrible human being? God when are you going to make her realize what she needs to do to make things right?

Went downstairs to pick up some movies and started reminiscing about stuff. I put the whites in the dryer and come out and Hunters door is wide open and the tv is off. She eavesdropping again. She has told me she doesn’t stop me because she deserves it but what masochism. I get it she hates herself but why use me.

Movie time – Fight Club – said goodnight to Freckles but she wasn’t happy. Not sure she gets the “you’re the boss joke” in relation to Chris much less freckles but they both suit her in multiple contexts.

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