1/6/14 – Typical Double Standard

Spent an hour last night snuggling with Hunter in her bed. Nothing funny or aggressive just comfort. I told her I was sorry for not being the loving man she wanted so long ago and waiting until it was too late to wake up to figure it out. I told her I was sorry for my part in this (she is still solely responsible for her actions with Chris and his wife – nothing I can do about that) and that things didn’t work out. I thanked her for hanging in there with me for kisses and snuggle and that I understood all of this was solely for me and was not going to change the fact that we will never be romantically involved again. I also told her I didn’t want to be mad at her anymore and that I would eventually forgive her it was just going to take time. It’s not a small thing that I have to get over. I also told her that I would always love her and be there for her until she found someone to love her the way she wants to be loved. I told her that I truly did wish she would eventually forgive myself and more importantly herself so that she could be free to find the right guy to love, receive love, and treat our children right.

She fell asleep in my arms again and when I gently woke her up after the 10pm show she politely let me know that the bed just wasn’t big enough for two and she wanted to get to sleep soon but I could stay a little longer – which is both true and I hate the bed – so I went upstairs. There is something perverse in my need for snuggle after the relationship is over and she desires to be alone for the first time in her life. I am sure I will learn to be without it again.

I woke up a couple of times at night asking God why he wouldn’t let me sleep. I apologized to her, said I wasn’t going to hate her anymore (not easy) and would forgive her and wished she would forgive herself.

The alarm went off and I went to sleep anyways. Hunter fixed lunch for Son although I told her I would do it and hung out and played Wii with Son until his bus picked him up.

In the shower the baptism came to mind again. I’m going to email Laura and get more info.

Hopefully, Chad will find out whether Cotton is back on the market and worth the money. He told me it was sold in December.

Still down in weight but not body fat percentage. Maybe it’s the fact I haven’t worked out in two months. Just my mind is so f’d up right now it’s hard to focus on anything. So I’m taking the day away from work and will spend the afternoon doing some marketing and tonight I will hopefully get some documents together for the asset side of the divorce.

It was still funny to see Hunter double check the house purchase. Something inside her desperately wants the divorce but it is killed by fear. I don’t think that she and I will ever get back together but her words hope for something like a relationship just not a marriage – probably not even a sexual relationship just snuggle and companionship until she finds someone which probably works for me. Just need my own place. God please help me find the right house.

Did some work and retuned a lot of emails. Took a nap and worked out. Went it our “office” off Locker and there aren’t any available offices. Just a desk. Nothing that would be valuable but might be a cheap start.

Went to my chiro. Brian gave me some advice – stop trying to help Hunter – leave her alone – only God can help her and He can’t help if I am in the way. Great advice!

Especially since she was an absolute nightmare tonight. She calls me while I’m on the roller table. I text her a couple of times but she doesn’t reply (oh she’s not supposed to but it’s okay if she’s on Facebook when a cop pulled her over in 2013). When I get done I text her – no response – so I call her and ask if I can pick up Daughter on my way and she yells at me that already has her and I was too late.

I get home and see how things are going and she is yelling at the kids on the couch. I help out with dinner and entertain the kids in between.

Dinner is fine but there is an issue with Son and bath time. She starts yelling and screaming at him from downstairs since she is getting Daughters humidifier together. Eventually she just sends him to bed and leaves Daughter to be to get cleaned.

She comes up and yells at me for the list of websites for the house expenses.

I get Daughter ready and tell her to go to her mom for teeth and Hunter gives me attitude.

Downstairs I let her know that she is being mean to everyone for no reason and making this harder than needed. A little common courtesy and manners and things will be better around here. No reason to make it so hostile around here.

Then she blames me and this is my fault.

– Your the one in my doorway

– Yeah asking you to stop yelling at me in front if the kids.

– No ones yelling at you

– You’ve been yelling at someone all night – me – then Son – then Daughter

– Well he won’t listen

– You are creating this by yelling and constantly changing who goes first

– Just leave me alone to do the bill stuff

– Fine but keep your little notes on your phone all you want your brother and dad aren’t giving you very good advice

I walk away and she starts yelling comments at me.

I walk back and say what did you say.

– See you keep harassing me

– You were talking to me so I came back

– Oh you can say anything you want but I can’t what a double standard

I walk away but that double standard comment gets me. The double standard was her fucking Chris while I was being a good husband. Double standard was me supporting her career in spite of my own and her convincing Partner not to hire me back at Andersen so she could make partner instead of me. That worked out well for her and no one else.

Tried to be nice to her again and give her the living room tv after the BCS game. She started in on me about the 529 plans and I told we would split them since they are community property. She said she wanted 100% because they were for the kids. I asked what did she think I was going to do with them. She said that she expected that I would liquidate them to buy a house. I said they were the kids college funds and that I planned on contributing to them when I get a chance. She said she was stopping until the divorce was final. I said that was fine then she started yelling again about the retirements and about how I wanted money to buy a home. I told her to stop yelling. She had been doing it all night what happened to piss her off so bad. She went in to talk about how the kids had pissed her off before dinner and how Son’s tantrum pissed her off.

That led to the same old discussions about how I am at fault. Then she picked up the phone and deleted her notes before showing. I’m sure she has already transferred them someplace else. She keeps yelling about the money and what I want. I tell her I’m already but it’s not in the best interest of the kids even if that is what I want. That now I just want her to be pleasant around me and be generous to me and my kids. She goes on the retirement accounts, but I tell her she doesn’t have the a cash to but me out. All she really wants is to stuff her retirement and make me pay child support to upgrade the house and to go to Hawaii with her new boyfriend.

At what point in time does she decide to start being the good person she thinks she is inside. She talks how she was a bad person but she’s still being the same selfish person she was. She doesn’t care how hard or horrible this is for me. She doesn’t empathize with what she’s done. I spent all night last night praying for her and I’m sure she heard me but she won’t put that in her notes. She just looking to connected my total destruction to discredit me and take the kids so they never what she did to her dad. Like I would want my kids to grow knowing their mom did to me. What I want is to be able to say that things are great, she did right by taking care of me financially so that I could continue to live near my children. Small price to pay to be a good person – taking care of the people you harmed and making it up to them. It’s how we teach our children to live. Instead she will teach them to hate me and think of me like she thinks of her mom and step-dad. She could take tomorrow’s new dawn to change and start to do what’s right instead of destroying me. It’s her choice does she actually want to do the hard work to become the good person she thinks she is or stay the person she has been to Patrick, myself, Chris and his wife. The choice is hers tomorrow. Her money or her soul.

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