1/11/14 – She Doesn’t Want Me To Leave

I totally balked on my marketing calls yesterday. I will have to send emails tomorrow while reviewing the provision and make a personal guarantee to follow-up with calls on Monday. Instead I talked with the other partners and they gave me the thumbs up for an office in Carlsbad. I also got the pnp docs scanned. Now I just need the loan docs and the December financials and I am good to go.

Talked with my sister on the way down. She is totally on board with me getting my own place. Then talked with Ben and he is so “be good to yourself.” Aka get the fuck out of dodge before it really screws with your head. He acknowledged that he thought I was mainly there for the sex and the conquest of Hunter. Which is probably true. I enjoy sex and I constantly want to feel that I am better than that dbag Chris she fucked around with and fucking her and making her love me made me feel that way. He kept reminding me that I need to understand that she is sick and I cannot heal her. I can only make things better by healing myself and that comes with separation. Not that he states these things directly – it’s all Socratic method but he is right. His point what is $15k in a lifetime of earnings less than a months salary. Ok, but $50k is real money but I am sure I can borrow from my parents if I am desperate for a down payment. Besides Ben is pretty sure Hunter can’t handle the kids and that Daughter will be with me full time sooner than I expect.

Went out to dinner at Garcias. Told Hunter I was getting the docs together and she rolled her eyes like who cares.

At night we snuggled all night and I went to the bedroom with her and wanted to fool around. She wasn’t into it and kept asking is that what you here for.

– Yeah – I love you; I’m horny so yes. You don’t have to get naked but do I have to stay clothed?

– So you just want me to jerk you off and make you feel happy?

– Ok that sounds creepy

– Fine what do you want me to do

– Nothing that makes me feel like I am using you.

– I’m just trying to have fun with my wife before it’s all over. I get it we are getting divorced this doesn’t mean anything to you so can’t we just have some fun (in the back of my mind I want to throw Chris in her face but I keep my mouth shut)

– Silence while I kiss her and she kisses back I start rubbing her ass and getting closer. She starts to tense up.

I kiss her again and say ok I will take off. As I leave I tell her “I will go get the apartment tomorrow and start the process of giving you space. This isn’t healthy for either of us. Ok?”

– I don’t know

And I leave. Really – I don’t know. What doesn’t she know? She doesn’t want to be married to me – never did – only got stuck with me because Chris played a better game with her than she did with him (she chose her target poorly this time – like Patrick and I she should have stayed with single men) – so now that she doesn’t love me anymore and wants a divorce she doesn’t want me to leave. Sucks to be her.

I spend the next couple of hours talking with God – quietly and patiently and keep the names to myself in case she is listening. Hopefully she will do the right thing and pay for my furniture out of her separate property. It’s the least she can do after everything.

Woke up this morning feeling good. Daughter came in for snuggle and tv. We got ready without much argument. Texted L and got a couple back. Told Hunter I would take Daughter to swim and she could take Son to tryouts so I could get the lease signed. I will also work on a small budget and get the asset schedules prepared for mediation. Time to move shit forward ASAP. Exciting and scary times.

She is being such a brat right now. She “cleaned and shredded” everything in the back office. Her credit card & bank statements. The letters changing the beneficiaries on the 529’s. She’s taking pictures and CDs. I haven’t taken a anything and the stuff I want I asked about. I just hate the wedding and Chris era pictures when she was a fucking whore. Then again maybe after Chris she just fucked men all over the place. She is such a cheating whore. Things are going to get ugly if she keeps acting like a bitch.

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