1/26/14 – I Have To Tell The Kids I’m Leaving

So a strange day – daughter woke me (and Hunter) and I went on a small tirade since she wanted mom. Not smart since if was sleeping downstairs.

Went in for snuggle in the morning and she is way confused. So am I. She took the kids to church and I moved clothes.

Beat them to the park and left a few minutes early to go to Best Buy return the modem & buy a Blu-Ray.

She took off to the stores. I gave her grief over being gone so long over lunch (lunch date). She said she had to go to four different places and was upset by my implications. Not sure I get it. She is single and can fuck however she wants. But as I keep kissing her she keeps going how can you love me you say such mean things. You say mean things and I still love you. I know it’s unhealthy but another night shouldn’t be too bad.

No last night for me. She told me that it would be best if I left. I had to tell the kids. Daughter said she would miss me. Son started to cry but told him that mom and I wouldn’t fight as much and I would see him in a couple of days. I called her later that night and asked her a couple of questions and she got all upset. Did you really not love me that whole time?

– I’m sure I loved you some of that time.

– just not anymore

– no not that the last couple of years. I know you think this was some sort of master plan but it wasn’t.

– i don’t think that just trying to get a handle on everything you have said over the last eight months.

– I’m trying to set you free so that in ten or twenty years you don’t say I wasted all of your life.

– don’t say that. You said you were letting yourself free to find someone else and that you were just using me because you were too afraid.

– this is why I don’t think we can be friends. You always bring this stuff up

– so all of that we can be friends or FWB snuggle buddies was all in my head and you were never interested in any of it?

– silence

– if it was just inside my head you can say so. I’m here so you wouldn’t hear anything even if I get made.

– silence

– you still there.

– I don’t know what you want me to say.

– if there is no chance for reconciliation just say so. It okay.

– what do you mean?

– that we will never be us again.

– no I don’t think so after everything that was said. And this is why I don’t think we can be friends. you can’t just talk with me without bringing up the past and this stuff.

I ask her about the Housewives and she is short so I let her go. It takes a little while to go to sleep and I wake up off and on. Still new place, new noises, no kids or family and I am heart broken that she is too sick, lazy, and foolish not to even try to heal herself or this relationship. Saddened by the fact that she is not willing to fix what she broke and to believe that after I finally transformed myself into what she always wanted she can’t even try to do that herself and make things work better for us and the kids. She is just going to end up in another bad relationship and that one will be her last one because she will be too old and too tired with too many kids and step kids to divorce. She will be so dead inside that she will never recover and if she could just find a way to fall I love with me again I could give her and I the life we both want (although not with each other).

Funny thing is when I told her I would stop by during the day she said I could come over everyday and have dinner with the kids. I told her no. She asked why and I told her the kids would have to get used to it. She got flustered. Why bother? I think she knows she won’t call and doesn’t want me to call so if I come over she won’t be alone but get the benefits of sleeping alone. Not healthy for me. I would just want to snuggle, hug and kiss or be sad in front of her and the kids and that would upset her. I hope she leaves on Saturday so I don’t have to see her that night or leave and come back in the morning.

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