1/27/14 – First Day Away From Home

Woke up early. It sounds like the neighbors are early risers as well as I heard some movement. Worked out a little, didn’t complete the workout as my apple phone isn’t working (iTunes is no longer on my phone and there is no backup). Not sure what happened with iOS 7, but it is buggy!

Keep thinking back to her constant comments about needing time away and her using me and not loving me and her comments about she should have just let me continue to be mean to me. All I want is a part time relationship – I’m guessing that is all I really need and that would be perfect for her as it would allow her to feel safe and be free to date other people without guilt. I know she wants the security and so do I – this would give us everything. I think from her perspective I would be hurt when she found someone else (which I would) and be using her for sex. She would using me for security and the sense of love and attachment which she desperately needs. I guess I just need to let her fall on her own and I need to concentrate on work, celibacy, working out and supporting the kids. Let my heart heal.

Tough morning so far since my dirty car is going to always be that way in this complex. I need a f’n garage ASAP. We will see if she actually makes an appointment. At least I’m getting the desk in Carlsbad set up properly. It’s a piece of shit office but it’s close to home. Just need to figure out a Starbucks equivalent to the McD’s coffee since there isn’t a restaurant on the way.

Her comment about me coming over everyday to be with the kids (obviously dinner) keeps running around. I know it’s over from her perspective but she always keeps throwing out the ambiguities in other ways. It’s all part of her illness (BPD) and I’m sure I’m not getting well either but I’m starting to feel well being sick. I also just need a nap and my pills.

So went back to the house and piked up the juicer & blender and the vitamins. Took a nap and went back to work around 2pm. Then saw Hunter’s emails regarding mediation. Got terribly sad that she was pushing through it on my behalf. I know it’s the best thing but emotionally I am not there. Dan told me to focus on accepting that it’s over. My sister told me it was okay to grieve. I called texted Hunter and asked for a call to discuss holding off. She took the opportunity to talk about all of the stuff for son (baseball, Thursday babysitting needs, 2/14 sitting needs, new lifeline counselor she is meeting with on Monday) then hung up (nicely). I texted her again and asked for a call on the way home and we talked for less than 8 minutes. She thought I was crazy because I asked for pushing up her timeline. I said I wanted to try a break to reconcile not push off the inevitable and asked if she was open to it. Silence so I said she didn’t have to say yes or no (no harm the appointment is already set) and the schedules are prepared. She talked about being late because of sons prescription needing to be refilled (obvious ploy to get me to help) which volunteered to stop by the house and take care of it – she could leave it on the front porch and she wouldn’t have to see me to give her a break (why not nothing better to do). She said daughter missed me and that I should come in to see the kids.

She fixed me dinner as I read the alphabet to daughter. Then Son and I played Wii while daughter was in bath. I hugged and kissed Hunter downstairs – not too happy or receptive (rightfully so). Read daughter a good night story and then hugged them both goodnight and said goodnight to Hunter in son’s bedroom. She made up some excuse to come downstairs and hung out in the kitchen making his lunch while I was getting my stuff to leave. I said goodbye and asked for a hug and kiss and have her a big hug and she gave me a nice kiss. Then got the prescription filled. Not sure where she is at anymore. Not sure she knows or if she does than she is smarter than me. As long as I get to a part-time relationship with benefits and options and enough to buy myself a small place with a couple of miles that will be good with me.

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