1/29/14 – Snuggle On The Couch

Woke up in the middle if the night (1:30 or so) and couldn’t get back to sleep for a few hours. Kept having the same Hunter issues but no words out loud anymore. No one to hear them I guess. At most I said a sentence or two. Finally got to sleep and the upstairs neighbor woke me up around 4am (everyday). Eventually I will not need an alarm. I am sure the fact that I worked out in the evening and went to sleep early prompted the wake-up.

So instead I slept in, worked out around 7:30 (the p90x3 is no joke even today’s yoga) then off to work around 9am. Got a few emails in the morning and will do some shopping after lunch. This weekend is going to suck with all the kids activities and the provision I have to review.

I keep going on in my head about a part time relationship with Hunter. I know it’s not feasible – it hurts too much when I hear Chicago or Vegas or Tradeshow. All of the Bravo shows were everyone is a cheating whore knowing we would watch them together and she was probably trying to see herself as normal in those shows or at least better than them as she never got caught. It also upsets me that she won’t even do the basic common courtesy things like say goodnight when we are on the phone with the kids. Could be she is just pissed off about everything or pissed off at sons meltdown last night. Then again it can be her needing distance to heal or just letting Sons have fun with pushing the hang-up button. I am probably reading more into it than I should. It’s not like she is communicative when I am around. She has never had friends that she would talk to on the phone for the 16 years I have known her. Only for work. Not that I am one to talk but I am more open to people in that way. She is more strategic in her relationships.

I hear her talk about going to the QCOM meetings a few minutes early and staying a few minutes later to meet with people and I think where was this person 10 years ago? Why couldn’t she develop normal relationships with people instead of cheating. Then again I am guessing she is scoping out her next boyfriend. It’s not like she cares about whether the guys are married so everyone is open ie Taylor. Not sure if they ever hooked up or not, but I am sure she thought about it. Add her comment about not going online and she is either hunting at work (which is probably a bad idea based on what has happened in the past) or at the PTA. I still think she drank at the meeting – not sure why she would lie about it – unless she is trying not to start a fight. Maybe she was on a date and that’s why she was flush and talkative. The last couple of times she came after work like that was 1) when she was pulled over by the cops for using her cell phone, and 2) when she talked with an attorney without telling me. I’m guessing it was the wine and not a date.

I also keep going back to Sunday when she was grocery shopping. There is no way she could have done all of that in the time unless someone else helped with the shopping or she already had done the Costco shopping but even that would only give her 30 minutes of free time at most. Maybe she just wanted to not feel rushed when she was at the party.

Talked to her about tonight’s dinner. The text was what she planned and with usual elegance she said she didn’t have any plans but would leave the house if I wanted them all to myself. I texted her back that I wanted to spend time with her. No response.

On the phone she does her usual “it’s your night I don’t want to take away your time with the kids.”

– I know but I would like to spend some time with you if you wanted or I could take the kids out to dinner and give you your space.

– I don’t want you to feel that you don’t get to see the kids on your night.

– I don’t like the term your night / my night – they are our kids. Besides I saw them on Monday and will all day Saturday which is your night. So it’s not like I’m not seeing them more than the schedule.

I want to spend some time with you but I don’t want to interrupt your break / or healing / moving on – whatever it is you are doing. I don’t want to smother you.

– it’s not like I have any big plans. All I did last night was rearrange the wrapping paper so it fit into the storage bin I bought at Target.

– ok then I will see you tonight.

I am sure she is lonely but does not want to reach out either for pride or she isn’t I love just alone. Then again, she wouldn’t reach out if she was told not to with Chris (only to his wife). Fucked up shit. Her karma is going to be toast for a few lifetimes.

So after getting daughter they start a show and I help with laundry, then hang out with them as they are watching tv. Hunter goes us for the last few minutes before dinner.

We eat, they finish the show, son goes up and daughter and I read stories. Then daughter in tub and Hunter reads to Son.

Then off to bed for both and Hunter and I hang out. Scratch post then a little snuggle. After 15 she gets a second glass of wine and I switch to putting my feet up next to her and taking about her work stuff.

After the HOBH ends at 9 I have her lay down and I hug her and lay my head on her chest. She is breathing heavy and her heart is racing – very different from snuggle when I was living there where there was no increase in rates. I kiss her a few times and she is warm to it. I even try a little belly rub but her pants go above the waist so I start pulling them down (not sexually) and then she starts helping and pulls the pants in front below her underwear line (red silk) to help me out. Then I have her pull the up since it seems uncomfortable to me.

I give her a couple more kisses and she tells me I need to go. She has tears in her eyes. I’m not sure why. I could be:

1 – she regrets where we are at and can’t figure a way back out of the divorce

2 – she doesn’t love me but she is alone and feels bad for using me to relieve her loneliness

3 – she is conflicted emotionally about enjoying hanging out with me (talking snuggling) but can’t see a sexual relationship and knows that this will eventually end and she will be alone

4 – she is cheating on me and knows how badly this will play out for me, her and the kids

I would say 3 & 2 have the highest probability with 1 then 4. I still don’t feel an affair just her hell and she doesn’t know how to get what she wants (freedom to find her new soulmate) and the courage to let go of me without being lonely. She is messed up and so am I – we will see how things play out but I am guessing it will be divorce with the occasional lousy sex and eventually we both find other people. Just need to work out, network and self improvement and personal goals / interests on my days off.

As I leave I ask about Saturday night. Does she want to do family night at Garcia’s or does she want to take off or have the kids do a sleep over at my place. She infers the kids would want Garcia’s and I keep telling her it’s about what she wants since she wants the break and time away and I can motivate the kids to do what I want with a little positivity. She said she would let me know – guessing she wants to get her drink on but knows I want a little somethin’ somethin’ that night.

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