2/3/14 – It Is All About Me And What I Need

Well the morning sucked. I woke up early hating Hunter. It’s not her fault I am the one playing games with my emotions. I know what she is going to say and what she is going to do. Nothing new so why do I keep torturing myself.

At church yesterday a revelation came that I had to give her up for me not her. She has nothing to do with this. It’s all about me – what I want – what I need – and what I cannot accept. I can’t stay with someone as sick as her. Her BPD has deteriorated and will continue to infect me if I let it. But last night on the couch with my head in her lap and her hand on my shoulder was so nice.

So I get angry at her because I can’t be angry with myself right. That’s foolish.

Of course today I double down and as we text back and forth about the son’s new social skills and asks her if I am still her “pet name” since she always refers to me as “Hey there.” It took a little while but she finally says yes – “mantra implied & acknowledged.”

Just making it harder for myself. At least if it helps me keep it together for through busy season it will be worth it.

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