So yesterday was a tough day. Woke up at 4am really missing and then hurting and than angry at Huner for all of this hell I’m in. Not even the part time relationship dream was soothing. Worked out and got to work before 6:30 and ended up staying until 6:30.
I called and left her a message in the morning saying that I moved my dental on Friday so I could make the parent teacher meeting, my parents wanted to have the kids over Saturday night, and since we were both free did she want to do something.
She called me back almost immediately. I asked had she heard my message and she said not yet. She already emailed his teacher and setup the meeting (the mtg request came a couple of minutes later), that she was trying to get the kids together with her brother Saturday afternoon but they would be done for my parents I watch the kids. I asked for clarification that she meant that she was taking the kids and I was not invited. She said it was too complicated for that right now (I said fine – I am sure she is trying to figure out how to say mean things to me while still playing the love angle with me) and got a little upset. I told I was just trying to understand what was in her head. Then I asked about Saturday and she blew up.
– You just asked me can’t I have some time to think about it?
Then she settled down and hung up. I am guessing she doesn’t know how to navigate this yet. If she says no, then she is fucked from me as I will withdraw ASAP. If she says yes then she will most likely have to put out and I would be spending the night. If we went out and I didn’t stay over than she knows I would withdraw and leave her alone again. With all of the dreaming I am sure she is doing with the Match searches I am guessing she wants to date other guys but she knows she can’t do it and I would stick around. I am sure the fact that I have already gone out with someone makes her angry for revenge but cautious as she knows I don’t really have to stay with her. Unlike her I don’t have to fuck everyone that I have dinner with. That also pissed me off. At least I meditated after lunch.
Before I left work I texted Hunter and let her know that I was leaving and so she called me in the car. Eventually went back up stairs and talked with the kids for a little bit. Missing them is getting easier on everyone. Strangely enough the wifi worked Tuesday but not Monday. It sounded like the kids had a good day (although she yelled at them a lot about not playing on her bed while on the phone with me) and Sson hit well in Pinto.
She and I talked for a couple of minutes before hanging up. Not sure where her head is at. Sometimes I see her missing me – when she is stressed not so much. But she will be that way with everyone eventually. I texted her a couple of time before bed and she texted back nicely. She said she was working on her finances all night. Guessing she was also on Match. She hasn’t uploaded a photo. I am guessing she is trying to gather up the nerve to figure it out. She will be in for a rude awakening.
Today I slept in and went to work. Being productive and getting things moving is helping. Although I woke up angry with her. I know I need to haut cut ties but it isn’t easy for me. Maybe I am BPD too. Just need to learn to cheat on her. Just not my style. Maybe celibacy is the way to go for a while so I can lose weight, make friends, and get my hobbies moving. Need to get the whole tennis, swimming, and scuba thing going.