2/6/14 – What About Saturday?

Decent day at work yesterday and was able to spend time with the kids that afternoon. I made dinner and let them watch a show. Hunter joined is and I asked her to sit on my lap before she left and as usual why? I can feel her get really close when we snuggle – she craves that comfort but it’s not me that she wants. I am sure there is no one else but she thinks there is some mystical being out there that will make her whole.

She asks I thought you would want to spend time with them.

– I did and right now they are watching their show so no one is being interactive. I will hang with them in a few when it’s over but I also want to spend time with you.

She hugs again and then gets up. I go over to the couch and sit with the kids and she try’s to say goodbye but the kids aren’t listening.

The night goes ok. Son wants to play Wii by himself and I told him to wait until I get daughter in bed and we can play together then. He has a tirade about how mom would let him do it and how mean I am. Obviously Hunter has taken to let them watch and play what they want as long as she gets her wine, Bravo, and Match.com time in.

Daughter is on the “I can do it myself phase.” She makes me let her do everything herself except floss and toothbrush checking. I help a little with the pull-up too.

Son and I play Wii golf then bowling then he wants quiet time. I watch hockey after that.

She comes home a little after nine and talks for about a half hour about the meeting and I finish the hockey game. Then I leave – no hug no kiss. She walks me to the door but tells me she isn’t “stalking me” she just wants to lock the door. It’s an automatic locking door – nothing to lock – but I am sure she is fishing a little bit.

Once I get home I get a text about the cat in daughters room and that’s why the other car was crying.

I text her back and say I am assuming you aren’t interested in Saturday. She texts back I’m not sure what are we going to do.

I text her to call me to talk about and nothing. I am sure she was hoping to avoid this. She knows what I want – hell she even talked about wanting me want it on Sunday. So hers your chance to put up or shut up.

We talk and she doesn’t want to give the wrong signals – I’m not sure why you want to – she admits she know why – she was afraid of that – I call her out an let her know that it is either one or the other I’m not going to keep holding on so she can have me in the background while she finds someone else. She throws I’m ready to forgive her yet at me and I say you haven’t asked for forgiveness not have you tried to make up for what you have done. I’m giving her a second chance that no one else would and she doesn’t deserve and then she goes on about this is why she didn’t want to talk on the phone. I say fine I’m letting you go and I will see you on Saturday. And she hangs up on me. Wtf.

I text and phone her several times saying I deserved better than to just be hung up on. I didn’t call her names I wasn’t rude or raise my voice. I know at least one of the voicemails that I said (most I erased before they went through) I mentioned that if that was how she was going to be I was letting her go and she could be alone and abandoned the rest of her life. That I was giving her a chance to not have he live be that way but she have to do the work to fall back in love with me. Not nice but it is what happens with BPD.

She never calls or texts. I’m fuming by the end of the night but I stop with everything. I am sure she has turned her phone off.

She texts me this morning several times about how her phone blew up last night and she never got any of the messages or texts. She even texts me a photo when I don’t respond fast enough for her of in the IT help desk at QCOM.

I text back and forth with her but I am assuming she finally listened to my message as she doesn’t respond to my last two texts or vmails. She finally texts back that she isn’t made at me but doesn’t respond to the follow up text. I’m sure she is mad and late because she wasn’t planning on having to deal with her phone. I figure I will leave her alone and wonder how quickly the balance of power shifts with us. How quickly she can regain it when I am in the power position. I just need to let her go and not so that I get the power back (which I would until she started dating again and then it would end until she got dumped again and again and again). But because I need to get off this rollover coaster. It’s starting to affect my work and mental health.

I talked with my sister this morning and she thinks I need to go to a codependent meeting and do some meet ups intend if online dating. I’m sure she’s right – I’m getting as mentally sick as Hunter except I know it which is both better and worse. I spend the day sleeping on the old couch with my cat dreaming of snuggling with Hunter tomorrow and wishing she asks me to come over and hang out with the kids. I doubt either will happen but if I do go over I can’t touch her under any circumstances.

I am thinking about just having a daughter daddy night of Friday. I don’t know what Hunter would say about that but it would be fun to play Candyland with her and have a bite to eat out. I’m sure it would upset son.

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