2/14/14 – Valentine’s Day Macabre

So a lot has been taken out of me the last few months and I am emotionally tapped today – Valentines Day. First one without a Valentines since 1998. I stay home and cleanup my pictures. Going through all the old stuff and getting everything organized. I even give Hunter (via iCloud stream) pictures of her opa (not even a thank you – bitch).

I call her at three and FaceTime her in her office. She took down the pictures of our wedding and her brothers wedding. Not sure why both other than she saw me FaceTime her originally and took them down to avoid a fight. It’s her mo.

I pick up daughter and we go to tj’s to get Hunter flowers. I’m not supposed to but daughter is into it and it’s a nice thing to do. We see Hunter there and daughter runs over to her and she sees the flowers but doesn’t say anything.

We come home and things are ok but son is pissed its game night and not movie night. Hunter starts losing it with him and eventually sends him to his room. I convince her to let me try the Benadryl and it works to calm him down but not sleepy.

As she is cooking I come from behind and hug and kiss her. She keeps smiling, and trying not to smile but I see she is happy for the affection. Unfortunately Sons tirade and daughters need for sugar takes everything out of her – it’s also her cramps.. She keeps saying this is not how I planned tonight to go. She is so like Son sometimes.

The kids open gifts and both grandparents have sent books. Her mom still addresses everything to both of us since Hunter hasn’t told her. She got me the kids valentines and some sees candy. I see she bought herself from brittle and hid it in my bedroom closet.

We send the kids upstairs to start bath time. Daughter spends all afternoon telling me she wished she could come stay with me. She gets where joy comes from.

When we alone downstairs I ask if she wants me to stay over and she says I can sleep downstairs.

– that’s not what I mean

– I know

– so I’m not getting laid tonight

– no ones getting laid

– so it’s over

– what

– us, fooling around sleeping upstairs together

– it’s that time of the month and I have really bad cramps so not right now

I walk upstairs and take care of daughter bath time. Hunter is getting more upset and short fused. I’m guessing she is losing control and she knows it.

She takes care of Son and I play Candyland with daughter. Son comes down and we play Operation. Daughter hears her brownie.

Son and I have ours – Hunter has already eaten hers. Son and I play Lego star wars Wii for almost a half-hour while daughter sits on Hunter’s lap (at Hunter’s request). Then bed time.

Hunter is practically yelling at daughter her prayers and ignores prayers for Son. Daughter tells me she wants to stay with me at my appointment but I tell mom won’t let her yet maybe later and I will see her tomorrow. I hug and kiss spr then son and go downstairs.

I ask if there is anything else she needs help with and she says no. I get everything and start to take off and she asks about tomorrow. We I meet her at the Y. I say I will come by here she keeps taking about meeting her there. I say I will if she doesn’t want me to come over. She goes about no that’s fine just didn’t hear me. She obviously pissed because I withdrew my physical affection. Her catch-22 is coming to an end. It’s no longer her choice and I think she is feeling it. Favorite dinner, special Belgium beer, favorite candy for valentines and I’m not behaving snugglicious without desire. Tomorrow I’m taking the cloxipan which kills my libido so I can drink the beer – snuggle with her but not make a move on her just as she likes. It will make her happy without a fight and help with the divorce and give me snuggle time in the morning with daughter. I miss her terribly. I’m going to keep forcing the issue as things get tougher for her as I am working longer hours from next week on.

What a ride!

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