3/3/14 – She Hit The Table At Mediation

Wow has it been a tough week or so. Mediation went strangely. I tried to stay calm (and did for the most part with the exception of a comment here and there). Gave up on taking a hard line. The jewelry appears to be separate property so in the end after say $10k for a suit I’m out $10k. Easy to live with. Hunter on the other hand hit the desk discussing the retirement account. I don’t know if she doesn’t want to tell anyone at work or if she hates seeing the retirement leave since it was related to the 401(k) not the rollover IRA.

I wrote her a six page letter taking about how I wish we could find a way to forgive each other and for her to forgive herself. How I wish we could find a way to rebuild something that would work for each of us and the kids, but she wouldn’t read it. She hated me afterwards for no other reason that money is a hot button for her.

We talked for an hour & a half that night. I don’t remember much but she said Chris was so not worth it. I asked her that she meant because he didn’t marry we but if he had it would have been? She said he was never going to marry her – and that is true.

I kept asking her why we could be friends on Sunday but not today. She quipped why did I think we were friends yesterday. She said she was faking it to keep things smooth between us but saying goodbye would work just as well as hey sit down and hang out an watch tv with me.

That Tuesday I lost it. Son had his academic award ceremony and on the way home I wanted to know when she was going to make all this up to me. She hadn’t even said she was sorry after all this finally came out and never once ever asked for forgiveness. Why didn’t she ever try to fix things or make it up to me instead of just hating all of us and creating this hell we live in for her sin? No response. Why now that I have to live my life as a slave to the freeway and her child support and never get a chance for friends or love?

She goes on about how she did try but it never mattered to me and she was setting me free.

How am I to trust anyone who ever tells me those three words again? It will all just be waiting for the bomb to drop and my money and time are stolen for the next person who only cares about themselves and never me. It’s never gonna happen.

Wednesday sucked as Son wanted to play Wii by himself and Daughter was OOC. I am guessing she just needs the attention so I need to just help her with anything right now and talk about positive and negative attention.

Hunter was sick so she asked me to come over on Thursday. The time was much better. Right mind and things went fairly smoothly.

Friday I picked up Daughter and was planning a daddy/ daughter date night but Hunter never OK’d it and once we were home Daughter wanted the movie night so I split.

Saturday I showed up around 8 as usual for swim and everyone was in the master bedroom. Son yelled I was there and gave me a hug. Daughter eventually did the same. Afterwards I knocked and announced myself and Hunter said “yes I’m in here.” So I walked to the master bathroom and she was in her shirt and underwear. She didn’t seem to mind until I walked away and said sorry.

Swim got worse, since I disrupted her finding things for the kids since it was raining and I was working. By the end she took off to the kids museum and i worked from the house.

I split for nap time to leave her alone – she didn’t seem happy with it. Came back around 3:30 and Daughter was still napping so I played operation with Son. When Daughter got up Hunter saw she had painted herself and some stuffed animals and a book and sheets with toothpaste and Hunter lost it. I asked to help a coupe of times and said I would wash the stuffed animals so she wouldn’t throw them away as she said she would but she said no she would wash them.

After Daughter was clean Hunter sat on the couch and stewed until she blanked. I made a comment about how we lost mom and she told the kids to pack up there stuff and leave for dads. So I helped them and left.

We went to Chili’s for dinner and played Candyland at my place. The kids seemed relaxed and enjoyed things once I told them they were not allowed to act the way they do at moms otherwise they have to stay in their rooms (doors opens and Daughter can see us so it’s not too much of a punishment since they have toys and books but they need to know they cannot act that way in my house). After five to six minutes in their bedrooms all good.

Then Hunter lost it and sent a text about how I wasn’t allowed at her house anymore because it was her day not mine. So I called her and talked and she is pissed we left and didn’t include her in the Bucca dinner (which we didn’t do) but she kicked us out. She hates it when I’m not around and takes the kids so she is alone. So Sunday we hung out at her place after church and I snuggled with her during nap time and made her feel part of the family.

Then we left for the dinner at my parents which went fine.

We got back to Grado and Hunter was pleasant and started playing with the kids before I left. I need to figure out how to appease her needs while not hurting my heart again.

Going over tonight since I don’t have much to do and at work and it’s going to get crazy busy in a little bit. Also going to keep a little distance from Hunter in front of the kids and get scratch post afterwards. Need her to feel loved and forgiven without a sexual overtone so she doesn’t feel it’s about sex. We shall see how well I can do without breaking my heart.

Hung with kids – Daughter is a sweet heart and when I’m there Hunter is calm around them right now. Snuggled a little after scratch post but she is uncomfortable today. No real kisses – seems unwilling to forgive. I was hard on her last week, but I’m sure she will come around a little. She did put away the bed in the guest room. Assuming a statement to me staying over this weekend for work is not acceptable. The farther away I get the more she gets upset. She gets upset and more things get cleared away in the house. I get closer like she wants and the more she gets upset. Around and around we go. Strange woman.

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