3/6/14 – She Keeps Joining Groups

I’ve been thinking a lot of her timing of things. She joined a bunch of groups on Meetup.com when she found out I was getting an apartment. She joined Match.com after I moved out and tends to go on it after we have fights or issues. Although I haven’t seen anything since Sunday. I don’t think she thought that we would divorce. I’m guessing she hoped that I would stick around until all this blew over although she would never admit it. I am sure it’s her fear of being alone and abandonment. That if I start dating (which she knows I did although she assumes something that isn’t true) it’s over for her. Probably true. If she starts dating she knows I will bounce (which she doesn’t like). She is so alone and I want to comfort her for me, for her, for the kids. She is damaged and dead inside and the divorce will kill anything that is left as she has to face her Scarlet Letter publicly with her mom. I am so sorry for her. The little girl I loved so deeply is gone and has been for years and I only noticed it in the last year. I am so heartbroken as to how badly this all turned out.

I guess I should have known it would work this way since she cheated on Patrick with me and I didn’t care because the sex was great and I wasn’t that experienced in relationships and she helped me with that. I should be thankful that I figured it out now and not 20 years from now but it still hurts and sucks and I know it’s going to take forever since she doesn’t want to move forward and call the attorneys and make the cash or stock transfers and tell people at work.

Jason doesn’t think we will be friends, but I am foolishly hoping so even though after the last few days I am getting the impression she is creating boundaries to create the distance. I am not sure what flipped the switch in her head but I don’t think it will turn back. Guess I will see over the next few weeks as she gets busy and I am busy and see where she loosens up or not. If not the fight will get worse before it gets better. I am sure of that.

Son had Friend over for a play date. First one for him and it sounds like things went great. So proud of him – keeping it coo when he lost at air hockey.

However, at the phone call Son wasn’t talking much. I guess Hunter had ripped him a new one for almost pushing Daughter down the stairs as a race to make the call. Hunter said if she hadn’t of been there at the time Daughter would have tumbled down the stairs. I kept it short with Hunter after the kids. She wanted to talk about the school break and I think just talk in general since we were supposed to do it after the kids were in bed so they can’t hear but I was the one to cut it off. She wants boundaries as long as she make the rules. I think things are going to get ugly if she keeps this facade up. She wants the kids (to not be alone, to make friends, to get money out of me) but she wants to be free to go to things. I told her we could trade days (I do Friday night and Saturday, she gets them Saturday nights and Sundays). I’m guessing she wants them all the time except when she wants to go out. And then if the play date is with kids she wants the kids too but she doesn’t want the hassle of scheduling with me or not getting paid by me or the kids whining for not seeing their dad. She must be living in a constant hell.

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