3/18/14 – The Marriage Was Over Before It Began

Totally heartbroken and in pain.  I have been crying off and on for the last four days and I am only starting to get a small hold of it.  I keep hearing Ben’s words – “All we have in this life is out discipline.”  So I do not reach out to her this afternoon to see how her day is going.

Friday we fight because she texts me to come over and watch the movie with the kids and have dinner with her.  There is left over BBQ chicken strips and as I am eating she sits down next to me and talks to me about her day the entire time.  Obviously she needs someone to talk to.  After dinner I go head to the couch and sit with daughter and Son as they watch Up.  She comes by and sits in between the kids.  I stay on the end so as to try and keep my distance.  We get the kids to bed and start watching tv.  She is sitting right next to me so I lay may head down to snuggle and then give her a kiss and the anger and eye roll comes up which starts the fight.  How come some days I can go upstairs without asking and get snuggle and physical attention and others not?  Needless to say I leave.

Saturday I take Daughter to swim and then we go to Sons game and he gets the game ball.  They leave and I go home.  I come by after nap to take the kids to my parents and then pick Hunter up to take her to dinner.  I go back and forth on what to dress (jeans or shorts) with the t-shirt.  I don’t want it to come off that I am getting dressed up.  I go with jeans and the same t-shirt I have been wearing all day.  I show up and she is wearing this short tunic with leggings, high heels, make-up and her hair is done.  The restaurant we are going to is in a strip mall.  Its a great restaurant, but she was definitely out dressed everyone else there.  We split apps, dinner, desert.  On the way she home she goes “your going to drop me off right.”  Me “No I thought I would come in and hang out if that’s okay with you.”  Fine  Then the snuggle, then the kiss, then the fight.  When is she going to stop this game.  Why get dressed up with make-up (she only wears make-up for the CFO meetings or when we were going out in the summer)?  Why get dressed in the tunic I made several comments about how sexy it is, then get upset?  So I leave.

Sunday I drop off the kids and something sets us off, but the whole house explodes.  Kids outside – kids in your rooms.  She likes snuggle not me so she uses me for the snuggle.  she asks me why am I upset by that?

– What was the bigger mistake, marrying me or having the affair?

– Having the affair because it cost me the partnership at PwC.

– So that’s the only reason, not that it ruined our marriage?

– Our marriage was ruined before it started.  That sets me off.

– What a skank?  Why won’t she be kind, why can’t she be nice?

– Oh you just want me to fuck you.

– No I just want to know that the last 12 years of my life were not a complete lie because you used me for money and to not be alone and now that you have a great paying job you can throw me away.

I go home and call and text – she blows me off says I am harassing her.  I tell her you can’t say those things to people and not expect them to be hurt or upset.  She tells me to get over it, stop being a crying pussy and move on.  What the hell is wrong with the person?  BPD or not that is just not right to do.  And now she is using my son’s Asperger’s to keep them both.  And now she let’s them both sleep in the bed with her and snuggle.

On Friday she tells me she can’t give me any more time with Daughter because she needs her to make friends with the other mommy’s.  Her whole life is using people to get relationships and then destroying them?  It hurts so much.

Last night I am in the bathroom when she calls because she is no longer letting me know when she is going to call.  I go and make almost a half dozen calls and then I text her why is not picking up.  Why is she doing this to me?  She tells me I haven’t called so I text her a picture of the phone log.

Afterwards I call and ask her for an extra day with Daughter to give her some one-on-one time.  She says no – I have to alternate with Son.  She knows I will never replace her place with him, but she sees she is starting to turn Daughter against me.  I start to cry and hang up.  All this pain for an extra two hours of her time.  Why can’t she be kind?

I call her later and ask her if she really believed that our marriage was over before it began and her biggest regret for cheating on me is the fact that she didn’t make partner.  She says she says things she doesn’t mean when she’s mad.

-So what does that mean?

-Don’t I ever listen?

-You can’t say that to someone and not have them wonder what is true anymore.  I don’t know what is real anymore.

– Okay, this is harassment I’m hanging up and turning off the phone.

I call my sister and she is asleep and I cry for hours leaving Hunter a message about being nice to me and yelling at my sister to at least read a book to understand what I am going through.  Sister hasn’t returned any of my calls or texts again.  No wonder she has never had a long term relationship.  When things get tough she bails, but I have used her as a crutch more than I should have.

This morning I call and apologize to both of them – Sister via vmail.  Hunter I ask that when we speak she tells me something that was good or happy or positive about our relationship so that I know she just didn’t use me for money or loneliness all that time.  She says she will, but she seems pissed off by the idea. I tell her it will help me heal and move on; I’m not trying to get back together but with everything she has said I don’t know what is real anymore and I need her to help me understand that we loved each other once and we need to show that to the kids.  I let her know that hopefully if we do this enough in a year or two we might be able to be friends again because we both need friends.  She is unconvinced and silent.  I let her go.  Jason thinks she may be seeing someone which is giving her the courage for divorce, but I don’t know when she would have the time unless it’s at lunch. And if that were true why go out with us on Saturdays when she could be going out on dates and have the kids at my place and she could stay the night or have someone stay over.  I will check the condom drawer again next time I am around just in case.  Now I have to figure out how to get more work done again.

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