3/19/14 – My Mom Wants To 5150 Me

So why am I bothering with anything anymore. B. seems uninterested in Thursday because I haven’t dated much yet. Really? I have to have been cheating for years before a divorce so I can date afterwards. I’m pretty sure no one is going to judge Hunter that way. They are just going to fuck her and make her feel loved for a little while.

My sister won’t talk to me again. The therapist won’t return my calls for an appointment. I take breaks to go outside and walk around so people don’t see me always sad. I’m dying inside and I don’t know where to go for relief because I’m so alone. A few minutes with kids is all I get for human companionship a week and I can’t take it anymore. The veins in my wrists keep budging out calling to me. I tell them no and know it’s only temporary sadness and things will get better.

Saturday nights long sleep seems more nefarious with the text to Hunter and I am sure she is keeping all of the texts and voice messages to use in court. I’m never going to see those kids and I am never going to be free of her. I am never going to have a life. What little of one I had is now over. I don’t want to do this anymore but ask God to harden my heart and make the pain go away. It’s over for me. 42 years old and my life is over and no one for help. God doesn’t even seem to come into play anymore. It seems so ridiculously unfair. I never hit her, I didn’t call her names or say she was fat or an embarrassment, I never cheated on her or told her all of those awful horrible things she told me and she gets everything and I get nothing but used pots and pans and a life alone on the freeway. I might as well drown soon. I don’t think I will ever get out of this funk. The worst part is she doesn’t even care about me – only her pain. I need a vacation.

Something seems to be changing in me right now. I’m starting to remember the old me before Hunter. I had friends (not a lot), confidence (sometimes masking insecurities sometimes just genuine acknowledgment of my skills), fun around the office, and invites for thing to do on the weekends. Then she came and all that slowly went away. Why do I continue with this Hunter debased persona? It’s not happy, healthy, or self reliant. I always worried about money but as a scorekeeper not because I thought I would be poor like her. I have to keep remembering myself of me. Reminding myself of the power I once had.

Stopping her on the phone today was fun. She kept going on and on about work and in my mind I kept telling myself this isn’t real – we are not married – this isn’t the start of a relationship.

She had totally forgot where we are at in our relationship. That’s the problem. She forgets and gets into old habits because she doesn’t have any friends or some other guy to talk to about it. She forgets – I get hope – we fool around or more likely now fight – but not this time. With all the pain and tears the last few days I told her very subtly that this wasn’t right “you do very well for yourself” when she was talking about compensation and ratings. It finally dawned on her and she changed the subject to see if there was something that I wanted to talk about. What a nice way to take the power back? Then as for the text with Daughter I told her I couldn’t get there by the drs appointment time but I would stop by for a hand off and she could go back to the office. She said she would stay with her because she wasn’t going to the office but it was nice to lead the conversation versus follow. Time to start getting back to the old me again. Time to stop the crying about old things and start thinking about the new things that I can do.

I think the part in Eggshells I was reading before my appointment where the person discusses how she never felt klutzy before her BPD partner and I thought that was exactly me. I never felt that way until years of being second guessed and debased about nothing. Need to keep reminding myself of how bad she was to me and that now I am free. I will miss my kids but they will come around when they are older and the apartment is furnished and they feel like they have rooms. Just need Hunter to let go of the cash and refi the house and let us both move on instead of always holding the divorce back. Maybe now that her mom knows we can move forward.

Of course after my vmail to mom she freaked like I was going to kill myself and calls Hunter and wants my counselors info and when I finally talk to her I let her know I’m ok at work and that I’m just pissed at my sister. My sister has some issues to work out herself. What a cluster – need to just be quiet.

At least I got to spend 5:30 – 9 with the kids, but it’s tough feeling like a babysitter and imagining her on a date. Of course, she wants to talk afterwards and we stand on opposite ends of the table. On the way out she left her keys in the door so I make her come over for a breath check (not drinking) and she smiles like I’m going to kiss her but I don’t touch her. That was tough.

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