3/25/14 – She Is Still Using Me

Felt stronger on the way to work this morning. Mostly just some daydreaming – visions of a grand future. That’s what is supposed to help with all this. Of course, Jason is sure we are going to get back together although I am sure he is wrong. Neither of us want to get back together but we have some tough decisions to make about money and kids (and loneliness for her) and the kids are hurting over all of this.

Worst part – Deacy has kidney cancer and they are going to remove the kidney in a few weeks. Doesn’t sound like it has spread or is fatal just painful. Still no one likes to hear that one of his few friends has cancer! Not the right time for me to process that news, but worst to hear it. I am guessing that is why Hunter is not going to the doctor – she subliminally wants cancer and to die so she doesn’t have to deal with this shit. I wish she would just pull her shit together and help all of us get through this but it’s tough to do when you are BPD.

The funny thing about all if this is the fact that I am still trying to figure out a way to keep her in my life in a small capacity. I texted her about Deacy.

Her text back is not much of a statement of empathy or caring. Deacy is one of the few family friends we have because most of them don’t like her or the combination of us. The only people that seem to like her are people from work. It’s the only place a normal facade can come out unless she is tapping some dbag who won’t leave his wife. I know that’s petty, but there are days that I sit around going what was I thinking and what was she thinking. Then again it’s interesting to hear that her mom had a retaliatory affair. Almost 16 years and she never mentioned it. I guess she never wanted me to get an idea. I think she still feels that if I hadn’t dated someone or move out or, or, or … We could find a way to make it all go away. I am sure that is part if the reason she didn’t tell her mom for so long – that and she didn’t want to destroy the relationship with her mom. But knowing her mom cheated too, I don’t understand what her fear would be. How could she judge Hunter if she did the same thing. Reasons for infidelity don’t matter – once you break that boundary you are broken. I wish I could have done things differently but I probably would not have had Son or Daughter so there are blessings in everything. Just need to find a way to get my little princess from space from that war zone Hunter and Son have created. God help Deacy and my children – especially Daughter. I still ache over watching her shake in the bed afraid because of all of the screaming between Hunter and Son. I’m sure it goes on all the time since it did when I was there and there is no longer me as a buffer.

Spent the evening with the family. Played baseball with Son, took care of Daughters bath, reading and bed time. Of course, work was tough so she started yelling at everyone again. Her mom called and I wasn’t allowed near the call because “she doesn’t know your here.” Aka – I bad mouthed you to make myself look good. Dan was right. She is not a good person and her family will stick by her no matter what.

She and I hung out and snuggled for an hour twenty, but when I asked for more she said she couldn’t do it. When I said when could she get to FWB or more she said she couldn’t tell me that she could. I can’t believe she is still using me without any consideration for me or the kids. Even after that conversation and telling me that she is going to bed she keeps taking to me about work. We kiss – hang out – snuggle – I grab her ass without issues but that’s what friends do. All her friends right? No more than that.

I call her on the way home and tell her I can’t do that anymore. She can’t promise “things are going to work out.” It sounds like she is thinking about whether or not she is thinking about getting back together. She just needs her distance. So I tell her I can’t keep hanging out. No more time at her house with her and the kids. My time with the kids will be without her.

I text her and let her know to call me on Thursday as I won’t be at the parent/teacher live. Can’t spend time with her. I know she is going to start dating again if she hasn’t already started. She denies it but I am starting to wonder since she is no longer down with the B in FWB. She also is not deleting any voicemails. I am guessing to use against me so no more vmails. I am going to force the issues on custody soon. I am sure that will get the divorce moving forward or her reconciliation or her dating. I’m guessing she will start dating first but I don’t know. I don’t see her profile on Match. I am guessing it won’t be divorce and she was unwilling to answer whether she likes me hanging out with her. For her that is a yes since she doesn’t want to be the one that crawls back. I guess it is time to move forward so I have contacted Lesa and will get my 2013 numbers together this week and start on the online dating / local hobbies. Start to rebuild my life as she says she is trying to do the same. Whatever that means for her. I do know that if she isn’t willing to play ball then we will have to go to war. She is the one that lied, cheated, moved me down here when she didn’t love me and trapped me here. Time to start taking control and making her work for things. The kids will suffer because of her and directly related to her anger and her BPD. I wish she could get over things but it looks like she wants a different life than me. I’m not willing to be celibate because of her sin and she is going to go through hell with all of the one night stands she will end up going through.

I just hope God has a plan for the kids, myself, and a wonderful woman for me in the future.

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