4/3/14 – Threatening Harassment Suits Against Me

So she finally lost it. Threatening harassment suits and other bullshit like changing the locks on the doors. I get it I was heart broken and wanting her to at least honestly apologize but it’s obviously not in her DNA to be humble, kind, or compassionate. She projects on me and says I am saying mean things. She calls me lazy, pathetic, and unsuccessful and that she didn’t love me when we had kids because she was trying to fix things. She is insane and mean to my children and you can see it in our children.

She keeps going on about she will only talk about the kids but treating me so badly and harshly over little things affects my ability to see the kids and I all I want is for her to be nice. She goes on about she isn’t sure if things between us will work out or how she doesn’t think I can get over the affair, but she still never answers the question on what she wants. She just wants me to hang out and snuggle on the couch and waste my life away because she is afraid to be alone. Once the kids spend a couple of nights over at my place he goes ape shit with the silence in the house. She has no friends – no one to talk to – and only spills lies to her family so she can’t keep that up too long when I am around. I hope she gets help. I hope I can find a way to stop all communication with her for a few months. I need a break from the drama too. She says I call and harass her, but the phone records will also show that she calls me too. Over and over about her job.

And yes, I ask if things are ok and if she wants to decompress but she never asks about me and she wonders why she doesn’t have friends. If you don’t give how can you receive. She is just trying to fill her BPD hole and most if not all of my self esteem has been sucked into that black hole. I just want to run away until I can’t move anymore and just lay down in that spot and die. Unfortunately, that is not something a father can do to his children.

It doesn’t help that I can’t seem to get things moving at work. The number is 74 and the lower the number gets the more work it takes.

I hope God can help me stay focused and moving forward. I still want to call and see if she is ok. I know it’s the wrong thing to do. When she is upset she needs to be left alone and that is why am I compelled to help her. I can’t save her, my kids, or myself with it. We all just drown. Maybe because I feel I will be to old to date once I am finally ready (with kids too young) and she makes so much money there is financial security. Mostly because when things are quiet between us it is so nice to snuggle and love her. She is my best friend and my favorite lover (at least the pre-Chris version) and I wish I had those things in my life even if she is no longer real. Not healthy to project my dreams on someone who can never fulfill them.

Need to work, pray, and play with the kids and start moving over more stuff as well as getting all of my work done in 10 days.

She sends an email about the kids schedule and she has cut my parents out. I call and it’s “not my intention” but she is no longer going to ask for their help so now anytime my parents get with the kids is from my time.

I am guessing we will be going to court soon if she keeps this attitude up. She constantly talks about not being able to handle the kids and needing all of us, but now she won’t ask at all. I’ve requested a guideline (not a rule) that my parents be the first people to ask for help during bankers hours. She acquisied to the request post this weekend but I will see where she is and if that happens. As of now “I’m sure you can look up the address for Monday and send out the email to your parents.” Pleasantries.

And yes – it’s hard to admit but I did call her this morning when I got up and left a message saying that the little part of BooBoo that is left inside her tell the other part to be nice to her Thumper so we can play together. Not sexual – just fun again. Something she can’t seem to be anymore sadly. I guess I am hanging on way too long to a dream that is inconsistent with reality. Hence the traditional Buddhist definition of suffering.

Below are the texts over the last two days

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I also had the following thought that I texted to my sister

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