4/5/14 – She Wants To Go To My Birthday Dinner

Yesterday wasn’t an overly productive day, but did get through some of my work and some errands. Thought a lot about Hunter and when she and the kids called I put it to voicemail. I told her not to call that I need space and privacy as well. I think she just wants to check up on me.

We emailed back and forth over the kids schedules. I use bullet points. She writes pages. I don’t refer to the parent plan to keep in casual. She constantly refers to the bullet plan. I make a reference of doing a family dinner for my birthday in Orange County. She jumps on going. I ask about using my two hours on Wednesday nights to do 1 on 1 withe kids – alternating every week. She wants to extend it to Tuesday and Wednesday. Anything to see me more and reduce the time she has with kids while awake, but not to be home by herself. Still no talk of the next meeting with attorney. Ben thinks she is hoping somehow / someway this will blow over and we will eventually get to her fantasy world (we living upstairs – she living downstairs in a plutonic relationship as best friends snuggling on the couch every night so she doesn’t have to venture out in the real world). I’m guessing that is somewhat true although not in a conscious way. Just her unconscious BPD fears of abandonment. I’m also guessing she feels too scared to venture into the real world for friends or a boyfriend as she will get pretty tore up by the dating game out there. Maybe she is waiting for the next guy to hit on her to take her away from all this but he would have to make a lot of money or her to marry. She isn’t giving up her golden eggs for a lesser earner.

I still keep consciously daydreaming about my fantasy life. Separate homes, separate lives five days a week and together as FWB two days a week. Keep the peace, reduce the fears and anxieties. Reduce tension in the divorce. Use the tax breaks as HH and S filings to pay the mortgage. Use the alimony tax differential to put $ in the 529 plans. Still keep my best friend. Keep her best friend. Not having to venture into the cyber dating world with all of the nuts. Of the few I’m communicated with or went out with they are either not my type – broken and guarded – “making up for lost time” ie just looking to fuck – or looking for a sugar daddy. You can learn a lot about people via text and phone. You don’t need to meet them face to face to read between the lines.

I guess we all have our baseless fantasies to daydream and survive with.

As I try and be more honest with myself and my expectations for what I would want in a future relationship it is easier to spot the inconsistencies in others. Maybe my sister was right and eHarmony or church singles groups are the way to go. We will see. Right now I need to get some work done, get distance from Hunter and be able to pick up the kids without a fight with her. Still wondering if I should take everyone to Garcia’s to night and then drop her off at Grado. It would make a nice peace offering and probably put my feelings on edge which would be bad. I will give it some time before I contact her.

Today will be chiro – work – kids – maybe some more Breaking Bad. I see the writing on the wall for WW but I can’t wait to see how it unfolds.

The day has been good so far. Getting work done and some shopping during lunch. Getting drawn to her for some reason. I’m not sure how she did it, but she sure has done a number on me. I can intellectually tell me self that I am better off with out her. Recall all of the conversations with family, friends, coworkers, and Ben all telling me the same thing. “Run away – as far as you can.” Still want to walk over to her, hug her , kiss her, snuggle with her. I know she would want the same due to her BPD and it wouldn’t be the real thing that I crave – love. Even artificial diamonds are just as valuable as the real thing. At the same time I am dreading going over to pick up the kids. She will have her traditional plastic smile if the kids have been neutral, be rushed if not or work is going poorly, and sing-songy if she is lonely and reflective. I don’t know how I will be. Stoic, neutral, or broken hearted puppy dog – lost little boy. I need to somehow get my heart moving in the right direction and work is going slowly so I will end up living up there next week because my mangers can’t seem to increase throughput.

Wonder what the kids and I will do tonight? I know I will work some after they go to bed.

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