Spent Sunday afternoon playing nice in the sandbox. Still not easy to do with my Son. Went over to Grado and took everyone to Cottonwood Park with the plan of going to Garcia’s afterwords. When I get to Grado I say hi to the kids and Hunter says hello while talking to Son. She restates, “I said hello.” So I go over and put my arms around from behind and hug her. I tell her to give me a kiss and she says “No – I’m fine.” I tell her give me a kiss and pretend we are friends. She smiles, gives me a kiss and says “I don’t kiss my friends.” She is happy as we are playing nice, but she is hurt and cautious from last week. I try and remind myself this is all about getting things moving forward and it will be easier if we are friendly and not at war. Even if we were to get back together it wouldn’t be real. It would be to quell her BPD fear of abandonment, and neither of us are close to even getting back together. I just want to complete the divorce and let things go so I can heal and move on, but fighting with her and having her stalk me at church or stores isn’t helpful even if she isn’t doing it consciously.
The park was a disaster as Son can’t get down from the rock wall and eventually runs off into traffic and is a quarter mile away before some people stop him and bring him back as Hunter and Daughter are getting into the car to hunt him down as I am running on foot. Needless to say that was not the way to start a reboot of our friendship. The drive home was quiet, and once we got back to Grado we got everyone out and cleaning up their toys. Eventually Son and Hunter are calm enough to go to dinner.
Dinner was good, with the exception of her comment about her paying. She makes almost $500K and a $50 dinner is an issue. I told her I would pay no matter how much more she made than me. I don’t plan on dying with money in my account. It’s about bouncing my last check. At least she is happy to get her margarita on.
Afterwards, the four of us play baseball in the back yard and pretend like a family again. Hunter seems relieved to have me there and is constantly telling Son that Dad does it better than her. She is very aggressive with her coaching of Son, and at lot of it isn’t very good. She definitely coaches like a football coach. I just stay silent and pitch as I don’t want to get into a fight with her. I make the basic joke here and there (you throw like a girl, we need to trade for a first baseman) just to get her reaction. She laughs and starts to seem happy. Son gets the giggles and seems to really enjoy these moments. I keep quiet and remind myself I am here for the kids. To give them the opportunity to feel what a family is like and make a few memories before they are all gone. Maybe give her enough comfort to stay out of the dating race as I still think is she starts dating and therefore drinking a lot she will end up on the bathroom floor cutting herself. She seems to get there every ten years or so I am guessing.
Once it started getting dark, we went inside and she got Daughter bathed and ready for bed. I read Daughter her book for the night and Hunter says prayers while Son is in the shower. After Son is done he reads me a story and then hugs and kisses goodnight while the three of us are in his room and I am sitting on the beanbag. After Son I tell Hunter to come over.
– Hugs and kisses for everyone.
– She smiles and looks down before getting a more stone face and says “I will only give you a hug.”
– She hugs me and I roll her over on the beanbag chair. Son jumps on both of us. She has her head buried in my chest – hiding from a kiss. I tell her give me a kiss and she turns her head to me and we kiss. She smiles and I let her go. Can’t do too much or she will get upset. Just the right amount of tender and leave on a high note. I know it’s not real love, just some of her comfort and reassurance of not being abandoned. I give one last hug and kiss to Son and then Daughter and I leave with no other words. On the drive home I tell myself this is all about moving the relationship to the friend zone with some benefits to keep the divorce moving and the kids in a family like setting some time.
My sister tells me to not give Hunter some of my time since I don’t get 50/50. But if that is the only time the kids get as a “family unit” then it may be worth it right now. Once they are older, especially Daughter, the dynamics will change and relationships will evolve accordingly. I doubt this will continue too many years out as once we are both dating the interplay of custody schedules and step(s) along with sports and personal activities the world will be incredibly difficult to control. That makes this a good time to learn to let go and let the world evolve as they may. Time to learn to float down Hesse’s river and place faith in the great architect of the amazing reality. Still a great memory of baseball as the day with Son was so bad at church and the park.