Went over to pick the kids up and Hunter was a bit hot and cold. I think when she realized I wasn’t speaking to her and was packing some of my things and the kids toys to bring to my apartment she got warm. She kept trying to get my attention. Asking me a couple of questions and then attempting to go over the overnight plan. After everything was in the car I took the games from her, looked her in the eye and said OK. Then we were gone. The less amount of contact the better. The only way for me to heal and move on is to not be around her.
Patrick moved to Colorado after he couldn’t take being around her after she cheated on him with me. Chris took off to Washington state and went underground after his affair with her ended and she emailed his first wife and faked the pregnancy to get him to leave her. All that crazy 10 years ago and I just found out about it in the last year. I had felt that she was cheating on me but she always denied it. The people at PwC I knew wouldn’t tell me anything. “I don’t know anything,” or “ask Hunter,” or “that’s the rumor but I haven’t seen anything personally.”
All of that insanity and wreckage for a few nights of cheating on your spouses while away from home traveling for work. Our sex life was rockin’ but I didn’t have a job since I was getting my Masters and that was enough to knock me off my pedestal from a BPD standpoint. But when Chris wouldn’t leave his wife I was her savior so goes through this semi-suicide attempt (cutting her thighs like she did in high school) and crying no one loved her and she wanted to kill herself to get me to believe her lies. She tells me it’s all because of our lousy marriage. I questioned her that night for hours about Chris and she kept telling me it was all in her head. She never touched Chris – just infatuated with him and wished she were his wife. He was having trouble with his marriage so they talked a lot. What a gullible person I am. Ben says I am trusting and that not a bad thing. The preacher at my church says the same thing. Be trusting and know people will use you – test anyways – be generous knowing people will cheat you – be generous anyways etc etcetera – God knows what you need and will provide. I hope he’s right. I need to stop thinking about the past. It’s not like I can change any of it nor can I leave the state like everyone else who has touched her.
Last night went fairly well. It’s obvious the kids missed me. Once we got to the apartment it was blitzkrieg. Daughter is opening and closing every drawer and door. Son is running around touching her and pushing her. All for my attention. Lots of hugs, and reinforcement. Lots of little one-on-ones. A couple of minor time-outs to get things calm and then out to dinner at Five Guys.
I don’t understand why Hunter has such a tough time taking them out. Outside of the Chilli’s incident two weeks ago (which I think Hunter caused via subconscious fear of being alone) I don’t have problems. Fun attitude, crayons and things to do, reinforcing good behavior, and ping-pong attention between the two and good times are had by all. Son even helped out a lot as “big brother.” I love seeing that attitude. Just like a normal kid – no Aspy / adhd issues. Just a normal big brother.
Even this morning when Daughter woke up and cried for me (I got up at 4am to start working while they were asleep all in my room) he helped out and said “what’s wrong Daughter – I’m here – I can help.” Totally right attitude. Then again 20 minutes later he bouncing off the walls with the adhd kicking in. After meds and baths / showers for the kids he is learning my cable system and picking out on demand stuff for he and his sister. Amazing how smart he can be when he wants to learn something. 97% percentile in intelligence only kicks in when he really wants something. Reward when you can I guess.
Another banner mid morning. Son won’t go shopping after church – has to be Cottonwood Park. OCD at its finest – so I text Hunter and she will pick them up from church since she is going to the same service time. Heaven forbid I get a moments rest from her presence.
I sit in the corner of lobby waiting for her to walk in so I can leave and there she goes. A few minutes later an aid for our son runs into the auditorium and they both run out. Hunter sees me but doesnt say anything. I walk over and it appears he was hitting another child over where to sit. I’m sure it’s been set-off by the constant change in routine between her and I. He doesn’t want me around and she will not look at or speak with me. Interesting change in demeanor from yesterday. I am guessing she is furious with me but cannot make the first move towards a truce. In her mind it’s a sign if weakness and therefore imperfection which is unacceptable to her BPD.
I’m guessing over time I am going to loose both the kids and most of my free cash flow because the courts will award the children to her because of his Aspergers and his attachment to Hunter. Daughter is too young for separate custody schedules so I will be SOL. $4,500 a month to not see my kids. All I wanted was 50/50 which she was fine with until she thought she would pay me then it was she wants them 100% of the time. Of course, that’s a BPD issue as well – fear of abandonment. Negotiate 35/65 with monster fights and now she realizes she can’t handle it but doesn’t want to admit it in writing. Also texting about helping me out but calling when she needs me or my parents help so there is no paper trail.
When she needs help it’s without strings. When I need help it’s something I owe her. Tough to be a prisoner – a slave – to someone who lies and cheats on you.
All I want is a return to normality and I don’t think it is going to happen. No money due to child support. No home because of the cash flow issue. No life because of all of the time I will spend on the freeway and lack of funds. I guess when it goes sideways everything goes bad.
I’m guessing the firm will soon go BK or my parents will die because that seems to be all that’s left. My firm loses 2/3 of its value dues to an SEC issue by two of my partners and the recession. My wife doesn’t love me because she is a lying cheating BDP. My son has Aspergers. One of my best friends has cancer. My daughter may need leg surgery when she is older for her knee problems. I’ve lost my home, most of my possessions to Hunter in the settlement and she is unwilling to move forward to buy me out of the house. I’m getting depressed just writing this dribble.
Still need to get work done so as well as getting up at 4am to work while the kids are asleep I’m in the office during church to keep things moving. I’m guessing I’m going to be living in OC the next 9 days. .