4/7/14 – It Feels Better When There Is No Contact

Work is on overdrive as we are counting down the remaining eight days in the filing season. Needless to say this year is going down to the wire, and clients are all calling for their returns.

First day of spring swim camp for Son. Sounds like he had a hard time with territory and Hunter left me a vmail that he is now cognizant of the fact he is different. Time to devise a plan to discuss his condition with him. Tough times ahead.

When I spoke with my dad about Sons day I texted Hunter to let her know about the issues. We texted back and forth and she also called me on her way home from work. That’s two calls and a couple of unsolicited texts. It hurts to feel her try and draw me in, but I have to remind myself this is how she copes with her fears. She uses the children as reasons to call and talk. Nothing is truly going to change until she gets help and understands we condition which is something she does not appear open to. In the meantime, I constantly tell myself that past is over – the future is what matters. Keep the thoughts on client work and your kids and things will work out. Think about the life that “could have been” or designing some hybrid FWB relationship isn’t realistic or beneficial. This must be what it is like to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome.
….

I keep things moving at work and then the call with the kids. Last week was easier when Hunter and I were not talking. Today it hurts again. Daughter is snuggling with her all the time now and sleeping in her bed. Daughter used to just snuggle with me. Hunter always complained about how she would kick / snore / move around in bed. Now that there is no one else Daughter is perfect. She didn’t talk long. I guess Hunter promised the kids desert after the phone call so that cut things short with my little sugar junkie.

Son and I spoke a little longer about his new swim camp. Most of the time he is just making faces and playing with the iPhone camera. Hard for an Aspie to concentrate on human interaction sometimes and the standard timeline comes out. Strange to hear a person recite their day as a list of items on a board but it’s how he sees the world.

The video feed cuts in and out a lot. I wonder why I am made to suffer without the kids. I didn’t cheat, or lie, or use her. I’m not the one that was moved away from my business and then thrown out of my home because my guilt are through our love and marriage. I want revenge, then I want to cry. Mainly I just want the pain to go away. Sometime away from things to heal. You don’t go to the beach right after a bad sun burn, but even if I ask her not to call she calls. It’s “about the kids.”

I suspect with her BPD the calls are also about monitoring my whereabouts to make sure I haven’t replaced her. When I didn’t pick up on Friday she called a half-dozen times in a row. I was just at home but I also need distance from this train wreck.

Unlike Patrick I can’t move to Colorado or Chris to Washington state. I am trapped in North County and the 5 / 405 parking lots to see my kids. Leave the apartment at 6am. Should get home by 9pm. Lots of free time for friends / dating – much less the kids. And she wants to extend the nights I have with the kids by giving me an extra one-on-one night, but not reduce child support. Just what I need to heal is to see her Sat for pick-up, Sun at Church, Mon for drop-off, Tues & Wed for one-on-one drop off.

She keeps going on about her needing her space but it doesn’t feel like space or distance when we talk or see each other seven days a week. If I give her distance she stalks me. If I reach out I’m harassing her. Still no false suits or progress on the divorce. Like they say in the books – she doesn’t love me but needs a replacement before leaving me (shingling) and I think she is too afraid of what will happen to her in this modern dating arena. So how do I grieve and let go of the woman I loved – who for all purposes doesn’t exist anymore except in my memories? I am guessing she doesn’t even remember her anymore which is sad too. Maybe I should look up that recruiter in the Bahamas again. I could use a vacation as well as a few years in the Caribbean.

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