Couldn’t stay asleep again last night. The last few nights all of the old issues with Hunter keep coming back. I stopped taking the clonazepam a while back but took half a pill last night around 1:30 to try and get to sleep. Ended up over sleeping until 7:30. Didn’t get to work until 9:30. Thankfully there isn’t much to do, but the other side of things means I am farther behind on getting the client work out the door.
When I got to the office Hunter had left a voicemail about our Son. Seems that his day went better yesterday than he had thought and that he seems to be fitting in well. It also sounds like the camp people are being flexible and allowing him more time in the water than the camp is designed for. Nice to know that there are people that can watch over my Son. Hopefully, the rest of the week will go smoothly for him there. Otherwise all hell will break loose with Hunter.
The drive in work sucked. Not a lot of traffic, but a lot of anger and heart ache. Thinking of having to totally rebuild my life while constantly on the road sucks. Thinking about all of the choices I made to try and make her happy and all she really cared about was herself and Chris for a couple of years. I’m too old to start over. Too much financial obligation with the kids. No ability to move away from my business without financially wrecking the remainder of my life. And she is back to “hey there” on the phone and emails. Not the no intro on the phone or “John,” on emails so things have skidded back to “friends,” or at least her version of that charade. And I read into every word because she doesn’t understand her BPD emotional splitting so it’s my only window into where she is at. Unfortunately it changes moment by moment so at 9am she could have loved me and missed me so she called and as usual using the kids as a reason (since she cannot publicly change her mind or be wrong for obvious BPD reasons). At 10am since I only texted her back to say thank you for the update she could be hating me right now for not being caring enough. At this is my dilemma. I love a BPD – know it’s not healthy – know I can’t help or change her – and enjoy those family moments like the Sunday dinner and playing baseball in her backyard with everyone – but know I can’t live with her in a plutonic celibate lifestyle because she would eventually cheat on me or I would start cheating on her and becoming what I loath.
Taking a lunch break and decided to go by myself and read for a little while to get the right perspective. I download the Bible and start reading the New Testament. At the start of Mathew Chapter 5 there is the text from Hunter about Son having issues with another ASD kid. The camp counselors are going to try new things this afternoon, but they had to call Hunter and have him talk to Son. That always puts a damper on things and after I edited the Special Needs Assessment for the Y’s Summer Camp Inclusion Program. As I spend the night and today thinking maybe all of the slightly positive traction between her and I may continue to increase and bring up back again. My fantasy prayers of a better marriage and a happy family I get the text and Book tells me to give her a divorce due to her adultery. I know it doesn’t mandate it – just gives the only valid reason to divorce your wife from Gods perspective. But I wonder how many of these coincidences am I going to ignore before the pain in my heart goes away and I walk into the future without her. All of these coincidences seem to come when things are going well between us or we are having fun as a family. As if The Lord is finding a way to constantly show me that this marriage is not part of my future.
I don’t know what He has in store for me. I can’t see myself dating right now and the 30’s/40’s dating scene seems more about sex and making up for lost time than romance and love and that’s virtually everything I crave. Unlike other guys I can’t give away my body without giving away my heart, and that isn’t exactly what woman are looking for. They all want the aggressive bad boy and then wonder why they cheat on them or use them and never call back. I am sure Hunter can relate to this and her affair with Chris. It tore her soul up and now we all suffer. I think I am going to be fated to live the remainder of my days alone. I am always told there is someone out there for me. I don’t know where “there” is and I’m not interested in just “someone.” I want the One – the Last One since the First One was the Wrong One. But how to stay celibate for years before that One comes along. Five months is hard enough and I have still had regular release from Hunter until a month ago. It was frustrating, painful, and sometimes wonderful to get it but I don’t she that as an option anymore. At least not for a long while.
I just hope my son makes it through this week and I get all my clients served. Then a few days vacation!
So it’s over. We texted and talked and all of the double speak and innuendo and fooling around from her was just to placate me to get us to a place of being pleasant with each other so it’s “not just drop off without talking. No one wants it to be awkward at birthday parties since they have to be joint or doing separate parties instead.”
All of double speak to keep me around so she doesn’t have to venture out and she is now getting used to being a single parent and she is now going to spend more time with her brother and sister-in-law. Replacing me with their friends group since she can’t find her own as usual and doesn’t have a boyfriend to use as in the past.
How do I rebuild my life this far away from work? No friends and no built in family network of friends like her. She is the master of manipulation. No more FWB. No more friends at all.
I still can’t believe it’s truly over. That she used me for all that time. That now she is free of her guilt she won’t work on repairing what she broke.
The book of Mathew talks about how we shouldn’t worry about the future but I don’t know how not to. It seems so unfair that I spent my life and career to help her and once it finally pays off she dumps me. There is no way to get that time or career back. No way for God to repay me. I just need to stop contact with her all together. She seems fine with that, but why call me all the time? She says it’s about the kids but it could all be emailed. Three messages today and she talked to me between kids. On top of the couple of phone calls yesterday. She said she thinks she should have said no to dinner yesterday because it plays with my head. What plays with my head is all the hugs and kisses, and her little smiles when I do it. What plays with my head is her still saying tonight that she doesn’t think I will get over things. Never she wants this or that – just a projection of her feelings. She will never get over what she said or did. She will never forgive herself for what she has done so project it on me that I won’t forgive her. If she loved me I would forgive her, but to be used and dumped down in North County hell and trapped here for the kids is tough to forgive. Chris got to go Washington and Patrick moved to Colorado to get away from her. She will quickly move on in her head once everything is over and I will rot on the freeway. Maybe it’s time to move back to Orange County.
I hope to wake-up tomorrow over her and moving forward. I hope God can figure this out. The last few years have been tough and unfair. I need something to go my way and someone to love and love me. I know it’s not her but it was a good enough facsimile to make it easier.
I’m guessing I will stop spending time with the kids stuff when she is there. She doesn’t care now that she has the single mom role to play. People to lie to and pretend she never did anything wrong. Part of me hopes the whole world knows what a cheating whore she is. Part of me wants to forgive her and move on. Part of me wants her to love me again as I know I will never love or be loved by anyone again.
God why do I have to be alone the rest of my life and she gets to have boyfriends then a new husband within a couple of years. Why does she have to ruin so many lives? When will she learn to do the right thing and fix what she broke?
I know the answer is never and I unfortunately will end up punishing her forever and when he finds a new man to marry our children will suffer as she puts him ahead of them and eventually ends up in a loveless marriage as she has in every relationship and will give all her money to him and his kids making me out to be the bad guy just like her mom and step-dad and her father. I need to move back to my job or find something down here. I need a new life away from her.