After the heartbreaking reality that she can only try and exist in a life rebooted without me I had a hard time sleeping. I stayed home instead of going into the office and I seem to alternate between anger and grief. Not really crying but wanting too. To feel so used and abandoned. I need to find some healthy way through this. Unlike her and the BPD I don’t have the ability to shut down completely and focus on work.
I try and am getting through things as they come in so the projects keeping moving, but it’s hard to concentrate on occasion. To finally know it’s over. Really know. When the person you built your life around for 16 years tell you that you will be nothing to them after the divorce and all of the fun, closeness and physical relations were just placating me I wonder what type of person would stoop to this level and if someone that would use me to take care of the family when she concentrates on he career and then when it pays off dumps me.
On the phone last night she was going on about how hard it would be for her to make friends and get a boyfriend and starting crying. No empathy or what she has done to me. And no realization of how shallow and selfish she is. Part of her BPD. I guess it’s good it’s over, but I know the best parts of my life are behind me and they weren’t that good. The worst part is knowing since she is pretty and her brothers wife will help her out with things to do on weekends and dates in a few months. By the end of the year she will have a network of semi- friends and I will most likely know a lot of people with no real friends. Need to keep work moving.
Today was all over the map emotionally. Tearing up, heartbreak, anger, jealousy, bargaining with God to make the pain go away. Still managed to get all of the work done. Just cried or yelled through it. Glad I could stay home and work today. Don’t know how I would have handled at the office. I don’t know how Hunter handled being in the office with Chris after everything was over and she still was foolishly in love with him. Still can’t believe she told him she wanted to marry him. What a nut? Then again so am I.
I became so emotionally drained I took a nap. Felt good to let go of some of this stuff. Went into the office to finish up some things and then the call with the kids. Tough to sit there and see Daughter on Hunters lap talking to me and Son on what used to be our bed. Nice happy family without me. I am slowly becoming part of their extended family when I was the hub. No wonder so many dads check out when the moms get the kids. We are second class citizens to this nazi state of sexist affairs. I can’t stand to listen to single moms go on about how little the ex does. Based on how I am treated I get it. We are here to cut checks and baby sit when the moms need a break otherwise leave us alone to be a family without you.
She wouldn’t look directly at me. I know she watches the screen by her comments to the kids. I’m guessing she saw I was sad and just hung up without saying a word. She looked directly at me between kids and then looked away. I texted her to talk after the kids were in bed but no response. I’m guessing she is blowing me off as I did her calls today. I’m sure I will get through the returns (barely) but I’m not sure about this divorce.