4/11/14 – Thinking About The Past

Four more days until the deadline. Not sure if I am going to make it.

Woke up at 3:30 to finish laundry and got to the office before 6am. The managers finally have some things for me to review, but I am guessing I will have some dead space in a couple of hours which means the weekend is going to suck.

The 1:15 drive in was easy, but when I got here I started breaking down again. Hunter posted a picture of a flower our son had picked for her from the Rose bushes in the house I bought for the family. I gave her flowers 3 – 4 times a year and I don’t think she ever posted anything on Facebook about it. Once to twice a year I would have a new book by one of her favorite authors delivered to her work the day is came out for no other reasons that she would like it and the last time she didn’t even say thank you. I had to ask two days later to see if she got it and she said that she had but she was busy with work. Why did I bother staying in this relationship for so long? Why didn’t I go through with the divorce a long time ago? I held off when she got pregnant, but when she told me to go to the OB/ GYN to come get her and she lost the baby I drove over thinking this was Gods way of telling me to get out. Then when I got there she was wailing so loud I could hear her in my truck driving in. How could I leave her in a condition like that?

I was afraid I would never find anyone. I have the same fear now. She treats me and virtually everyone poorly over time. Once the honeymoon period of the relationship is over it’s over. I didn’t go see the Angels in the World Series with my dad because I couldn’t get her a seat. I didn’t see the Ducks win the Stanley Cup because it would be unfair to Hunter since our son was only a few months old and she couldn’t go. So many once in a lifetime opportunities gone because she had to be the priority and now that she makes enough money and has told her secrets she wants out. I just wish she would leave me alone for a while. Instead she calls and texts all the time, an the fact both the kids were tired and scared last night tells me she ripped them a new one on the way home from her brothers.

This is her “week” with the kids according to the Parent Plan which she constantly refers to I’m not supposed to see them at all until Sunday night. So why am I being asked to take them to dinner Wednesday. Why are they sleeping over at my place on Saturday and half day Sunday? This is going to be the busiest two weeks of the year for me, and because she is busy with quarter close she needs my help. But she can’t say that because she knows it’s my job that is not important to her so she always asks don’t you want to see the kids?

Friday movie nights used to be that excuse. Come over and see the kids while the first hour she and I hang out because the kids are focused on the movie and she can make me dinner and we can be a family (with the occasional physical relationship but only for me because she needs me to stick around). I know it’s a BPD thing. I told her not to call me on Fridays since I don’t get to call her on Saturdays. Last week she called me five times. I wonder how many calls I will get tonight since she will be expecting that I am at the office and she will want to plan our weekend – “the kids” weekend.

Really tough day. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep or stress at work, but I can’t stop thinking about her anger last night and the Family Court case. I’m guessing over time this is going to be an issue – especially when she starts dating or her family says I should pay more because I see them less due to my sons ASD.

My clients have been amazingly supportive the last few days. Even if I don’t say anything they ask about the wife and kids or they overhear me use the “ex” and help.

I started writing down things I am grateful for and during lunch write down a few Bible quotes to refer to everyday. Keep my mind focused on what I have not what I don’t. The Bible I have on my phone seems to be stuck on Matthew chapter 7 – judge not less ye be judged. A fitting place especially since when I get angry I go straight to the judgement of her and her family – basically all of them except her sister who hasn’t married yet have cheated on their respective spouses. Time for a walk and sunshine.

Waiting to be conferenced in for my sons psychiatrist appointment. She texted a couple of times but no calls. Now that she isn’t calling I miss it. At lunch I replayed a service from church on relationships (2/16 service). I just keep trying to tell myself that God has to break this relationship before he can help me find a more suitable one that will last a lifetime. It doesn’t feel that way but I keep telling myself to have faith and over time things will move forward the way they are supposed to.

At least work is moving forward better than expected. Thankfully I am extending a ton so I should get through all of it by Monday with everyone working all weekend. Then a day or rest for everyone!

So her mom is spending the night at her place and so she won’t have the kids call and I’m not allowed to go to the kids swim lessons tomorrow because her mom will be there. I texted her but she refused to text me back. I’m guessing all of the lies in her distortion campaign is making it difficult for her to unwind the animosity between parties. She keeps harping on me taking the kids tomorrow night. I’m guessing she has plans to go out.

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