4/14/14 – Must Be Stockholm Syndrome

Work seems to be going smoothly right now. I woke up feeling strong about taking control of the divorce and my situation. I was thinking that moving back to Orange County is a viable alternative to living in North County if she isn’t willing to negotiate on supports. I don’t see the value of spending 12 hours a week on the freeway just to see my children one day a week if Son can’t get on the schedule and it becomes too expensive to commute on $5 a gallon gas.

At that price it’s $40 a day in expenses excluding depreciation on the car or tires and maintenance. Add those two items and it’s another $50 a day. Assume 3.5 days a week and 46 weeks a year approximately $14,500 or $1,200 a month. An 80/20 gets me an after tax answer of $1,100 a month for the next 2.5 years and then falls to $700 once Daughter is in school.

Once spousal supports stop in six years I’m screwed. I’d be short $1,000 / month in Orange County. DissoMaster was not so generous with the updated information. Must have been fooling myself on spousal support. The numbers work if I stay in North County and don’t work at all if I move. You would think that a person who will make $450k this year shouldn’t get money but that’s not the case. I guess I am going to be a San Diego resident forever with my life on the road and no money to date or enjoy my time. Why did I spend so much time and money and effort getting to a comfortable living to let her get the rest of my life as well as the last 12 years? I don’t even have the strength to tell her to burn in hell – it doesn’t change anything.

Once I got to work I got a text from Hunter about a birthday party my daughter had been invited to. I know Hunter had the invitation for a few days since it was open and on the table this weekend. I am sure the nice text of yesterday prompted all of the invite (dinner yesterday) and picture texts yesterday.

I asked if she had put it on the shared calendar. She said no – she doesn’t have good luck with the calendar but wants me to keep my stuff on there. That just continues to open up old wounds. She always kept her life so private and secret from me. I’m not sure if she had other affairs or if Chris was the only one, or just the biggest one. Most of me believes he was it and she was so devastated by it and the guilt and shame of it she didn’t do it again. Another part of me thinks she learned her lessons with Chris and didn’t get caught emotionally or around the office.

I know part of her daydreamed about having someone like Taylor as a husband just like she did with Chris. All of the literature on BPD suggests that if she has had multiple affairs I will start finding out once the divorce becomes public knowledge and people aren’t afraid of interfering with a marriage that is being “worked on.”

The hard part is she never realizes that those are just her fantasies and what honest or quality guys want in a wife is not a woman with no friends, no hobbies, who is emotionally unstable, and consistently lies and cheats on every guy she has ever had a relationship with. Still hurts though.

I know she is upset now since I told her I was moving the furniture on Wednesday. She got snippy about not sending me her hair appointment since it was on a Sunday. I am guessing she sent the bday invitation since it coincides with her hair appointment. I asked if she had RSVP’d and she said no but she could go to the party for the first part to help me out.

Always finding a way into my time and my life without sharing hers unless it is to make sure I haven’t started dating anyone else (Friday nights). I told her to enjoy her Sunday and hair appointment I would find a way.

Still hurting over the affair and the lies and the deceit. Seems so unfair that after all of the hell she has put me through she gets away without even an apology. Screaming I said I was sorry at me is not an apology. Telling me that it’s unfair that I want to understand why she didn’t leave so long ago when she has given me a dozen different answers (didn’t want to disrupt her career, tried to fix it with kids, fell back in love with me for a while then out then in then nothing left). This whole process has been so unsettling to my psyche. I’m having a hard time processing it. And to know she has already moved on with the exception of finding a steady boyfriend (I assume) and I can’t even imagine getting that way with someone again hurts even more. I see couple (young, old, pretty, ugly, mixed sets) and I think how did they do something that I can’t.

My 50 year old admin who is 5′ 200 lbs seems to have dates all the time from Match. Then again most of the time they are just one time deals and she seems broken hearted every now and again. I don’t even remember how to put a move on a woman. Not that I was that good at it to begin with, but with all this shit in my head and I don’t see a future relationship for me. I keep asking why she would do this, but I know there is no emotional answer for me. The intellectual answer is she has a pervasive personality disorder that drives her to do things she doesn’t want to do. Lie, cheat, steal, destroy to try and fill the void inside her. I understand that has got to be an impossible place to live. No one seems to know how impossible it is to be me. Never knowing what’s true – there is always a different story and a different version of reality with her. Like all of the sites say – NC. NO CONTACT. Not an option for me with two young kids and one on the Spectrum.

She wants me to wait until this weekend to take the tv / Bluray / etc. We talk on the phone and she goes on about our Son and her mom coming over tonight and everyone getting together tomorrow and why do I make her act like a bitch every time she asks for anything. I ask her does she notice she never asks anything that is beneficial to me? No answer. Why don’t we go back to you just buy me new stuff and keep the old stuff so as to not disrupt our son? It’s too expensive. She’s not going to buy that expensive or large a tv. By now the tv is old technology.

I don’t get it. Why is everything we agree to a hassle to implement? I gave her three months with everything and I am just now moving stuff.

She just tells me to just take it Wednesday – it will just be easier that way (so she doesn’t have to deal with me). I have to go I have another meeting to go to.

I don’t like this life. I don’t want this life. I didn’t work or ask for this life.

I text her and tell her if she deserves a second chance how come I don’t? She never gave me a second chance. She never gave us a second chance. She never gave our family or children a second chance. I thought life was filled with second chances. Chris got a second chance in Seattle, Patrick got a second chance in Colorado, Holli changed her name to get a second chance in Orange County and Hunter is getting her second chance on my money and my life in captive slavery. No second chances for me.

Fifteen years of ups an downs. I’ve learned to need her approval – crave her approvals and now they are gone. All that drama and love / hate – good / bad and I’ve become addicted to it. I get it – it’s her BPD. But my Stockholm Syndrome feeling is like a cocaine withdrawal but it’s going to take years to kick.

Called her on the way home and talked with her for about 15. I know she felt a little awkward. I am guessing she was expecting me to blow up on her. I tried to keep it light and friendly. Trying to get my fix on a friend tip. I am sure that the supports will break us again but maybe if I can keep my head in check I can help her do the same. If there is a future for us it is a long way off and in the meantime I need to make me the best me possible and meet a lot of friends and professionals down here since it sounds like will I will be living down here forever.

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