4/17/14 – Moving Day

Taking some time off for rest and refreshment as the saying goes. Mainly sleep, tv, and chores. Especially with the holiday this weekend and I am supposed to get the kids two nights there should be less time for the basics.

At least there is a much better feel around the apartment with the couches and coffee table in place. I am waiting until Saturday to move the big screen and surround sound Bluray, so I am left watching Netflix or Amazon on the laptop on the couch. Starting to feel a little bit more like home in this place. Gives me some hope that the summer will look up. Once the tv and Bluray is in place there isn’t much left except a couple of plants and rent some space to move the boxes into and wait for the equalization check to move forward.

Yesterday was nice. Slept in and watched some LOST. Dropped the car off for service and then met my Dad at Grado to move the couches, coffee table, and a rug. Talked a bit with my Dad afterwards about how unfair I felt this whole thing is. He said I should just get prepared to get beat up a little bit during the divorce.

– You never get the feeling you can win with that family.  There is always a sense that whatever you do with with them will work with for their favor.  Her mom always seems so nice and friendly but something always feels off.  You always tell me how cheap she is with Hunter and the kids. That isn’t consistent with someone who is loving and bubbly and friendly is it?

– No. Hunter can be so friendly and seductive when she wants to be but is also so cheap with the kids. She seems to be getting a little better but I think in part it’s the fact she makes so much money that it doesn’t matter as much.

– She gets that from her mom, and you know she isn’t going to change.  Just be prepared. Her family isn’t generous with each other they aren’t going to be generous in a divorce. Have any of their divorces ended well?

– No. None of them ever talk with each other afterwards.

– So Hunter doesn’t know any better. If you want to be on friendly terms and do family things you are going to be the one that gives. Just keep that in mind.

There are two types of people. One that gives and one that takes. If you get involved with someone that just takes, you will never be able to give enough to fill them up and they leave you empty.

Afterward everything was moved I hung out in the old home and took a nap with the cats. I even miss them, and they miss me. Whenever I arrive the two come a wonderin’ for attention.

Picked up my daughter in the afternoon and went shopping for shorts since nothing in my closet fits anymore. I lose the next 15/20 and I will have to rebuy another new wardrobe.

It’s amazing how well she listens when you use positive reinforcements to motivate her. A simple positive phrase, hug or kiss and she works so hard to do what’s right. I wish it worked when she and my son are together.

On the way to my daughters school Hunter called and asked if I could help out getting my son to his appointment with the therapists. Of course, when she needs help on her day I’m the person she calls. I told her I would go see if I can help and she is flipping out on the phone about everything. Who she has to call and work and tonight? Finally I tell her I need to turn onto the street for her subdivision and silence. Then she hangs up. She calls back less than a minute later and says he is in the car. I’m not needed anymore. Off to Daughters school.

When we are shopping Hunter calls to tell me he never made it and I don’t need to pick him up from the Dr’s office since he is back at home but to talk with Debbie and make sure I know what happened so I can tell her tonight. Awkward silence as she realizes I am hanging out with Daughter outside. I say no worries and goodbye.  Why does she always call when a text is enough and she wants as much space from me as possible to rebuild her life?  That’s right she is a Borderline and I’m suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

Daughter and I continue to enjoy the lemonade we are splitting on the bench at the shopping center. Easy, sunny, simple things in life and she and I are both smiles and happy.

It’s always funny to see how everyone around us smiles at her and her enthusiasm for the small things. A little positive encouragement and her natural positive energy comes out. She even had other kids walking up and saying hi. I get her to introduce herself and help her understand eye contact and voice projection is better than being shy and a mom overhears me and tells me thanks – most dads don’t encourage their daughters to grow up to be strong women. I must really see the world differently sometimes. Besides it’s nice to get positive reinforcement as well.

After shopping Daughter and I go back to Grado for dinner – just the three of us. Hunter is working late then has her dinner making appointment. I stick in a frozen pizza and cut up some bell peppers and three of us just hang out. By the time I’m reading Daughter her bed time story (which I miss so much) Hunter comes home and finishes up with Son. No story for him – she is in a stressed mood. She is hungry and goes straight for the hard cider. She sits in the chair while son and I play Wii.

Once he is upstairs I ask about Sunday.

– What about it? It’s your day.

– I emailed you and wanted to know if you wanted to do a joint thing, and you said you would think about it but never got back to me.

– I don’t know what your plans are so how can I respond? It’s your day I don’t want to take them away from you.

– Ok. I asked because I wanted to share not so that you would owe me. (My dad’s advice running through my head). I am taking them to dinner at my parents with my sister and her son and his dad on Sunday after nap. I know you don’t want to go to those things because it’s uncomfortable for you but the morning is open.

That must have struck a nerve as she goes on about how I say I’m uncomfortable around her family and the same argument over her trashing me to her family goes on.

– Here is the difference. My parents still say they love you, offer to help, and send you birthday cards, Christmas gifts, and I’m sure there is an Easter card coming out. Your mom addresses everything as Hunter and Family. I’m no longer part of the deal.

– So you want me to tell my mom to put your name on everything?

– No, but you don’t have to have a PhD in Psychology to read the differences in our two families.

She goes upstairs to check on our son and leaves her phone next to me. She never used to do that. I’m tempted to snoop and pick up the phone then put it down again. I remind myself it’s none of my business anymore. If she is keeping notes, lying to me about things, or dating someone else it’s her life not mine.  I need to focus more on what I am doing and remind myself to live by the standards I set for myself and not worry about how others live their lives.  I can only control my thoughts.

She comes down stairs and doesn’t offer any suggestions.

– So what do you think?

– I don’t want to be one of those people that just tells you what to do its your day. She starts crying.

– Do you have plans?

– Just to volunteer at the church in the morning. (Not sure I believe this. Not only is she taking a play out of my book on my turf, but I am sure her brothers wife would have invited her to whatever they were doing. I’m guessing she omitted it to see what I would offer.)

– What time?

– …she is volunteering at the service time the kids and I go to so she has effectively found a way to see the kids on Easter anyways. I may avoid church this Sunday since it will be way too much to handle for Son. I need to talk with the ladies who oversee the children’s ministry to let them know what’s up. I am guessing Hunter has already done some distortion campaigning at church if she has finally gotten in touch with them to volunteer. Need to figure this out ASAP.

– Well how about on Saturday afternoon after nap I come over and we can do egg dying / painting and after church on Sunday we can come over and do an Easter egg hunt and baskets here. It’s not like I have a yard to hide anything.

– Why are you sling this? It’s your day.

– I know you don’t like me saying it, but one day you are going to have a boyfriend and all of this pleasantness will dissipate. Either because he won’t like it or I won’t and you two will want your own thing going on.

– She starts tearing up again.

– I would like to try and get as much family memories instilled in them while I can. Besides I don’t have a yard to egg hunt on. And for his birthday you first said we were doing separate gifts then they will combined gifts without me being told. If we are going to do separate baskets I need to know and we need to talk otherwise I am sure we will both get her Frozen DVDs.

– I’ve already gotten them a few things so that’s fine. She agrees and take another drink of we hard cider.

After she chills out we hang out. She makes a comment about how she doesn’t know she is going to get to replace the couches since Ikea doesn’t sell them anymore.

– You want me to move them back and buy them from me?  Because if that’s where you are going with it then it’s going to be expensive.

She says no and asks who I got to help move them.  She talks about having to use Friday night to go to Costco and pick up a new tv.  I offer to let me her buy out of this one, but she says no.  I get the impression that she is trying to figure out how dedicated I am to the divorce if she is talking about the furniture and tv we agreed were going to be mine.  Time passes and scratch post time, toe time and a little snuggle. I make a joke about toe time.

– I just cut my nails. I am sure you are going back and forth in your head. I want the toe time since he just cut his toes, but if I do that than he is going to think that we are getting back together. Then there is scratch post and his shirt will be off so he will think we are going to get physical and then get back together, but I really want the toe time…

– Pretty much.

– It doesn’t mean we are getting remarried because of a little toe time or scratch post time.

We snuggle for a little bit and I say “who do you love?”

– Why you know it doesn’t mean anything? And then tells me she loves me using my pet name.

We kiss a little and she says that’s enough it’s time to go. Which it is at 9:45. I am sure it’s past her bed time.

I ask if I can rub her belly. She goes on about how wrinkly and flabby it is. Two kids will do that but at 97 pounds she could use to add a couple of lbs. “You can never be too rich or too thin” is what people say who don’t understand what the important things are in life.

So I rub her belly and kiss it well below the navel and barely above the bikini line. She doesn’t make a sound just keeps her arm around me.

I kiss her one last time, pet the cats, and leave. I know it’s not real and at least leave not feeling like there is hope. I know it’s her BPD and keeping her feeling comfortable and myself in with the kids is important. Besides it calms me down as well.

I keep reminding myself that the important thing is that the kids have a somewhat healthy understanding of family, and that I will probably be the only one (other than her sister-in-law) to instill that in them. Besides right now I am not ready to be a full time father with both of the kids on a holiday.  I am just trying to get the summer calendar in place and put my life back in order as I layer in more time at my apartment with them and figure out how to make personal and professional connections that will help to sustain me down here long term.  It won’t be easy but I think it may all work out in the end.

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