This is where the difficulty in divorcing someone with Borderline Personality Disorder lies. In the deception. Most divorces have some deception in them. In fact, most relationships do as well. We generally only see the side of a person that they want us to see unless we are invited in to a more personal relationship – BFF type thing although guys don’t open up as much as women do.
With BPD, the person doesn’t know intuitively who they are so there is always a persona being projected outward. For me that’s difficult to decipher. She calls me this morning to talk about our sons ABA meeting today. The call stems from an email from the case manager. It was a relatively minor decision, one that did not need my attention. She has made a lot more decisions without my input (or knowledge), but her work day is slow and we have been getting along the last couple of weeks so she calls to talk. No one is calling her at work so I am her social outlet.
We talk about Son, then a little about her work. Then silence on the phone. I’m not keeping my end up of the conversation (asking questions), and she never asks about me (hasn’t since I moved out). I can hear her moving papers around on the phone, but silence. Then she tells me she defrosted fajitas for dinner tonight if I want to cook for the kids at her place.
Wednesday is my evening with the kids, and I have only been cooking dinner at Grado the last month when she isn’t around. Usually just pizza since it’s quick and she never defrosts her fancy pre-made dinners for me. Tonight she has no plans and invites me to cook there since she defrosted something for us. I ask if she is joining us and she tells me she doesn’t know but she doesn’t have any plans. A little more talk then silence. More paper noise.
She knows intuitively the silence drives me nuts so I ask a question about work and networking. She talks a little more and I make a comment about I wouldn’t know where her projects at work are going since we don’t really talk anymore. That brings her out of her work projection and she says she will let me get back to work.
I am assuming with most divorces the couples are not necessarily playing nice or snuggling or kissing and fooling around on occasion (although it’s been a month or so since the more physical stuff). She gets into old habits and I’m the one wondering why she called. Intellectually I understand. She doesn’t have a replacement for me and has gotten to a place where she doesn’t see the divorce happening when she is at work unless I bring it up. It gives the impression that things are working back around with us, but I know it’s just her BPD.
She is Splitting and I am her old friend and trusted partner until I make reference to our “situation” and then boom I’m out. It’s a small amount of salt on a healing wound. I want to scratch it, but that will just open it up more. So I let it slowly burn down, write about it, refocus on work and maybe I’ll take a walk.
The dilemma is No Contact. The prescribed medicine for someone who partnered way too long with a Borderline. But I can’t with two children, and after learning about the emotional blackmail she put inside my children’s heads I can’t tread too sharply or she will beat it into my sons head that he will never leave the house and then we are both screwed. She will never get time away from the kids (which she desperately wants and needs, but her BPD won’t allow for) and I will become a financial slave with support payments for children that I do not see as much as I want.
Letting the heart break with a smile on my face for the person who broke it is tough. The upside is more time with the kids. Then again after our mediation meeting next week I am sure we will only talk kids for a while.
Tonight went as poorly as expected. She came home and instantly went into “this is what we are doing for summer.” The Y inclusion program only has coverage for my son for five of the nine weeks. She starts in on Debbie, summer school, which weeks am I taking.
– Wait. When we spoke with his teacher we had talked about not having go to summer school. He had such a hard time last time so when did we change our mind?
– Do you have someone to cover him? Do you have you own Debbie to watch him? Have you talked to a different camp about inclusion program?
– Ok. Well isn’t this our son? Shouldn’t I have a say in things if you are changing your mind?
– Well you didn’t respond to my email.
– I check my phone and she sent an email 10 minutes ago. “No you just sent it a few minutes ago.”
– You always assume I’m on my phone 24/7 why shouldn’t I have the same expectations on you.
– You are always on your phone and readily admit to blowing off on responding to my texts. Besides text are by nature instantaneous – emails are not pushed to me phone. So why are we off track? Why can’t we discuss this?
– I’m leaving. I’ll be back at 8.
She gets her purse and leaves. The kids and I have a nice dinner, then baths, books and prayers with my daughter. Then Wii with my son.
She arrives before 8 when son and I are playing Wii. She starts in again on things and I start telling her that I should be able to discuss this without issues.
– I was trying to discuss it with you.
– No you weren’t. You already made decisions and wanted me to agree without discussion.
– No I said if we have him in summer school…
– No you said when. Your language gives away your ideas and intentions.
– You are reading into things. That’s not what I meant.
– That’s the English language. You seem to have no idea about how your words betray your thoughts.
– Fine I am …, I am that…, whatever you want he won’t got to summer school.
– Ok. I didn’t say no. I didn’t say yes. I just said I wanted to discuss it. There is no reason we can’t discuss this without fighting. I should be able to talk about these things with you without a final decision made ready.
This goes on and around and around. She saying whatever I want is fine. She saying what things I’m saying about her from her twisted reality. I finally tell her to stop attributing those statements to me since she is the only one saying those things. All I want is to see the calendar weeks that are involved and make some decisions. She finally states she will send it in an email.
Then she starts going on about me taking sons baseball pictures from a couple years ago.
– I asked you to put it in a frame a while ago an you never did.
– I’ve been busy. It’s not like I’m sitting around waiting for things to do.
– So I’m taking them and will put them in a picture frame.
– So I don’t get any of them?
– I will return the ones I don’t use. I only need a couple. Why shouldn’t I get any of the pictures?
– Might as well take the other ones too. I was going to scrap book them but I can’t now.
– I’m not taking the other ones, and I asked for theses. I’m actually in these ones.
– How am I supposed to know what you took? So I give them to her to look at.
– Fine just take them.
The kids starting squirming around upstairs and daughter is awake. I go up and give them both one last kiss and hug goodbye and tell them I love them. I come downstairs and tell her thank you for the diet coke caps and that I will bring back the pictures I don’t use.
I hear her lock the door behind me as I leave. I leave going on about this is what I don’t need in my life. What a brat? A lier, a cheat, and an emotionally unbalanced person without a moral character. Why would I even want that in my life?
Of course, when I get home and read the email I scroll down the forwarded emails and she had told the Inclusion Specialist at the Y on 4/16 that my son was going to summer school. Another lie she was caught in. It will eventually get her in other ways too. I just wish I wasn’t the one going through all this pain for her sins.