Why do I let her do this to me? I intellectually know what she is doing – especially in hindsight, but to constantly live through it is killing me. I do not know how I am going to make it through this life this way. I really need to make a change.
She uses my suggestion of using Monday nights as separate one-on-ones with the kids, and twists it to put the knife that she stuck in Chris’s back into my heart and then to Dexterize it into an emotional derailment where I am contemplating inappropriate things. Anything to end the pain or transform it into something else. Anger, revenge, moving away – anything to find a solution that does not include me living here or having to see or know that a soulless, black hearted, Borderline is raising my children and using me for the rest of my life for money.
Most of today went great. Got some quality work done this morning. Took the department out to JackShrimp to celebrate the busy season, and enjoyed my Blacked Voodoo Lager with some good people and quality food. Just like the old days of when I used to enjoy my life and had friends and a life ahead of me before Hunter took it over.
I pick up my son early on her day so we can go to the driving range. He has never been and loves to play it on the Wii. The Crossings was great. The pros were helpful and let us drive the cart around so he could see things, and I had never been there so it was fun to look around. The Pro Shop guys gave him a hand full of tees for fun (and free). Funning, he didn’t know what they were for, but we had to “protect them since they were very important.” So I put them in the pocket of the mini club bag I got him a while back. When we came back with the bucket code, the Pros gave us a free bucket and helped my son out with a pointer or two. We come back to Grado and Daughter is there and I say hi to everyone, and Hunter asks if I want to stay for dinner. Sure. Hugs & kisses with the Ex and she winces when I use the term.
We have dinner, then it’s movie night. Son wants me to leave, but like last week he asks nicely so I say I will. Hunter makes her comment to them about not asking dad to leave, but I head out. More hugs and kisses with Hunter after the kids. She smiles and I say I know she likes the fact that I still like her, and she smiles again. I take off.
At home I text her about my Invisalign trays. She says she will bring them by tomorrow. I ask for snuggle, she tells me she wants to go to bed early tonight. I text when am I going to get my snuggle. She texts back she doesn’t want to. I text her and tell her that she likes the snuggle so what’s the problem. She texts that she is trying to watch the movie, yeah Lilo & Stitch for the 100th time.
I call and we talk and she goes on about how I just want sex. I say not just that, but sometimes snuggle is just snuggle. She tells me I can some over and hang out on the couch and snuggle with her tonight as long as that is it.
– So why are we playing this game?
– What I told you I don’t have feelings for you.
– I know you like me and enjoy hanging out with me. Why do you always have to bring up things and say things you know are not true?
– You don’t get to twist me being nice and think that I love you.
– Why do we have to be bound by your rules? No one said that we would get married again because we hang out.
– I need to get the kids in bed.
So I hang up and drive over to pick up the trays. I say hi to my son, but leave without saying anything to her.
She texts me about that was weird. But she doesn’t want to talk and says goodnight. I call and all hell breaks lose. Why is it weird?
– Wouldn’t you think it was weird with someone walking into your house unannounced?
– My house. My family. My children.
– I get it its been a couple of weeks and you need to get into it with me.
– I’m sorry its ok if we are friends with benefits that you like, and constantly making sure that I cannot do anything with anyone ever, but you can do whatever you want when you want.
– What do you mean?
– Why do you always ask me to dinner and movie on Fridays? Why is it okay for snuggle, but nothing else because you are not comfortable with that “yet?”
– I don’t want to get into this with you. I just want to go to bed.
– Why can’t you just forget the past and let your feelings out?
– I don’t have any.
– Then why the constant calling, and texting, and making sure that every night I don’t have the kids you call later and later and later. (Now the calls are coming as late as 8:45.)
– Your the one that suggested Friday. I suggested Tuesday.
– I couldn’t do Tuesday, and I suggested Monday but you call and talked about his ABA and how late that would be so you suggested Friday. Then called and texted several times this week to make sure. I’m not sure where you were at this afternoon, but it wasn’t work. Do you really want to date other people?
– I told you I don’t want to date anyone right now.
– But you think there is someone out there who will love you better than me.
– Silence – her way of saying yes without getting more into it.
– This is not healthy. I’m hanging up now and turning off my phone.
– Unhealthy is you pushing and pulling me and (she says good night and hangs up) emotionally blackmailing my children by telling them you will kick them out of the house if they want to spend more time with me. Afterwards I text her that she is to never tell my children that again.
There is also some talk in there about she tells me Friday so I can spend more time with Daughter since she was crying to see me yesterday, and me not wanting to see her ever again and moving away. Why can’t she just set me free?
I don’t want to see her or know she exists. That type of soulless black hearted evil should be avoided. Chris moved to Seattle, and Patrick moved to Colorado to avoid her. I can’t move anywhere without getting a $3K monthly child support payment. That’s more than the entire mortgage and property taxes on the house I bought them and she still won’t divorce me or buy me out.
Why the constant ask me to come over? Why all the calls and texts and lies and destruction? She makes over $400k, she should be fine. She cheated, she lied, she used me, raped me, waited until she made enough money and moved me away from my business before divorcing me so that I couldn’t leave her because of the kids. She told the marriage counselor that the only may to improve the family was a new husband, a new son, and a thin daughter. Nowhere was there a suggestion of a pleasant wife, a caring and giving spouse, a faithful partner, and an honest fun to be around person with a soul.
She constantly made me feel inferior because somehow she deserved something better. Some perfect soulmate in Seattle. She constantly treated my family like shit and her family doesn’t like her at all. Her in-laws hate her, and the only people that she used to work with that actually like her were the partners who used her to make money. The same is happening at her current job. There are a couple of people that like her from they can learn from her, but everyone else in the department is growing to hate her.
I hope she burns in hell for the remainder of her infinite days. I know that is not Christian, or Buddhist, or politically correct, but when your life was stolen by some deranged grifter the “afterlife” is not coming her soon enough to see justice. I want blood if I can’t have what I want – my daughter and I to move back to Orange County. Taking my son would be more damaging to him to be away from her due to his condition.
I don’t know how much longer I can do the commute, and if I have to get a job down here I will have to rely an increase in alimony to survive forever since I would end up taking a monster pay cut. Somehow I need to get my head together. I need to put together a set of rules, and use my discipline to adhere to them. It is the only way to survive otherwise I will make some bad decisions and that will end up ruining my kids. She is already to starting to do it which is why my daughter is desperate to get to me and away from her. I know she loves her mom, but there is something inside her that misses me more.