4/26/14 – Trying To Keep Distance

Sticking to rules. Set some up yesterday. Pretty hard lined but they will be for my own protection. Most of the morning was spent working or hurting then hating her. Finally pulled it together for he to drop off my daughter for a nap while she took our son to a bday party. Didn’t say a word to her. Listen to what she had to sign, hugged and kissed and played with my daughter and slammed the door behind her.

Worked some more and took a nap when my daughter did. I used to nap some – mainly just hung over and needed the rem sleep – but after a while my daughter came out and snuggled with me on the couch. Actually on top of me since there isn’t room on the couch for two. Sleeping sideways with a 40 pound girl on your hip made for a stuff awakening. Eventually we meandered over to my sons ball game. He had three hits and a lot of failed concentration. It’s hard to see the other kids yelling at him about paying attention and knowing how tough it is to be on both sides of that fence. I’ve been the screw up and the overly competitive so it tough on both side of the coin for different reasons. It’s worse knowing that if my son was NT he would be an advanced player not the bottom third. It hurts more knowing he doesn’t want to be this way he just doesn’t know how.

Hunter in her typical way starts screaming at him from the sidelines. Not encouragement just the same snide comments as the other kids. It’s not helpful to him. He needs calm encouragement and for time to run him through his course and then he will be fine again. However the more the yelling and focus on him the worse it gets. Embarrassment shame guilt makes things worse not better.

I didn’t say a word to her. Kept my distance and played with my daughter when she wanted and watched my son the remainder of the time. I saw she texted me asking if I was coming. I’m sure she wants someone to pick up the kids so she can go out.

I saw one of the dads hitting on her until he turned around and saw me watching. A little bit inappropriate, but I decided to make a comment to her – I see you already have one of the dads as your new boyfriend. Since I am pretty sure she is dating again it’s nice to put a dagger in where it hurts. She should have better manners than to flirt with another married man right in front of me before we are divorced. I intellectually understand her BPD but that still doesn’t make what she is doing right.

I am trying to keep my heartache transformed into anger and vengeance and keeping a check on those things in front of the kids. I would rather them see me hating her without a word and no yelling when she is not around than happy when she is around and angry when she is not. That is the better of the two current alternatives.

Right now I am sitting on my patio drinking a beer typing this up while each kid has taken a couch to sleep on so they can see me through the windows. The new place and all the horrible toxic shit Hunter has put into their head has messed with them hard. I’m sure once I’m done they will all be in my bed with me to sleep. At least they are safe and in a non-toxic environment.

I made sure to raise Son before he went to bed. With all of the issues at baseball he had virtually none at In-n-Out which was monster loud / busy and I made he and his sister sit on the bar stools by themselves while I waited to order.

Daughter needed to go to the bathroom and I took her. Afterwards while still in the stall I told her that just because she gets to act this way at
Moms doesn’t mean I allow it here with me. With me we listen, we don’t yell, we give lots of praise hugs and kisses. We work together with listening ears and fun opportunities to get the things we need done and have some fun. When I came out of the stall with her once of the kid employees said right on man – thank you! You’re soon the right thing.

I must seem strange to a lot of people. That’s two strangers that have complemented me on my parenting techniques in two weeks. I would assume this would be normal, but after yesterday’s experience at the driving range and these last two compliments maybe I’m on to something different. Something more in line with what people know is the right way to live but get caught in the moment. I don’t think I’m perfect – I fail way more than a succeed, but I wonder how many parents have strangers compliment them on their parenting techniques. Hunter always got chastised for driving the Z4 with our son in the front seat. That car was more important to her than her son and her career was always more important to her than me and her family or friends.

I’m pretty sure if I stop all aid and help during her year end close the children and her will be begging me to take more time because she can’t handle it. She tells me all the time.

I texted her a while ago and let her know sorry about the no kid phone call – no reply. I’m sure she is pissed or on a date getting railed by some stranger she has some fantasy romance with who will end up using her as a late night texting booty call. Yeah I’m jaded, but knowing what she has done with her body for friendship and Chris I’m sure I am right. If not tonight sometime this summer.

2 thoughts on “4/26/14 – Trying To Keep Distance

  1. Thanks – I try when I can, but I am not always perfect. This morning was an example of not winning the Parent of the Year award. It still hits so hard when I hear the lies she tells them come out of there mouths and then when the two of them argue over which lie that Hunter told them is more correct I just lose it. Something to work on everyday. Thankfully, as my son will tell you, that’s only twice since January.


  2. That’s the hard part working past the hating when the person doesn’t get how fucked up they are the how the children learn from it. It sounds like they are lucky to have the calm of your home in the midst of the chaos other places.


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