This morning was not a good morning. Something that I am certainly not proud of. I’m not sure if it was the lack of sleep or the fact that I texted Hunter last night after the kids were in bed and I had finished my beer (Stone Runination – my second favorite Stone brew). Nothing mean or rude, just updates on the bday party my she took my son to yesterday, but the whole “I’m going to bed now – GN.” It’s one of those statements of I’m done talking to you. If she texts me then we can text all night long, but if it’s her night away from the kids then I am a jerk for interrupting her. I am starting to get the feeling that if she hasn’t started to date someone at work then she has someone in mind that she is working him to get him to ask her out. She doesn’t do it directly. Like most female BPD she “Hunts” or seduces her pray so that she can claim it was not her idea. She did the same thing with Chris. Drinking all the time – flirting with him as much as possible. Constantly telling him no once he started hitting on her because they were in front of other people. Then when the travel started she tells me not to fly out to Boston for the weekend because “I don’t have the money or a job,” but the truth is she was hoping Chris would make his move. Sometimes I hate myself for being complying to help out the “family.” All it did was ruin what could have been a great career. I don’t know how God is going to get me through this as things cannot change dramatically at my age. Only forward to a grave.
Things started out well until my son didn’t want Pop Tarts for breakfast. He had never had them before and didn’t want them or even to try them. Never mind his sister wanted to devourer hers and mine. But a small thing is not easy with an Aspie even if if tried the first bite. He wanted the fried egg sandwich that he gets every week, but I did not have everything to fix it. Instead he got Trader Joe’s french toast. Then showers and “I don’t want to go to church I want to draw.” Which is fine with me since I don’t really want to run into Hunter there. Especially if she is really going to volunteer in his class every weekend. I don’t even think she realizes how creepy that is from my perspective. If I am nothing to her, and she never wants to talk with my (except for the kids) after the divorce why decide to stalk me at my church, invite me to your community pool, and show up at the grocery stores I shop at when she normally goes someplace closer.
Then the kids start getting into it about the birthday party I’m taking my daughter to, and my son is getting to spend time with his grandparents, and then the whole “mom bought the house.” “When are you going to give mommy back her furniture?” “No these are his couches, but the other stuff in the house she bought and is hers.” And the discussion between the two goes on, and I try and calmly talk to them to tell them the truth, but the running argument between the two of them and the lies fills my already heartbroken head. Mom says you was the mean one, and she kicked you out, and you are the one that is trying to take her money, and she bought the house not you.
I start losing it. Yelling at them to go to their rooms. No one gets to go to the party; no ones gets to go to their grandparents. My son starts his typical diatribe of mom doesn’t love you – I don’t love you – no one loves you – I don’t want to stay here – no one is going to stay with you – you are going to be alone and no one loves you….
I intellectually know he is just repeating hurtful things to try and get a reaction. Negative attention and revenge is easier than positive attention for someone who has a difficult time with understanding emotional boundaries, and unfortuantely his BPD mom sure does not have the ability to teach him that there are boundaries.
Finally I get them in their rooms and walk away until everyone is calm. I have a heart-to-heart with my son to help him understand some things about the divorce, who paid for things, who left who and why. I ask him a question – “Do you think mommy lies sometimes?”
– Yes. She lies a lot.
– Do I lie?
– Then if you know she lies, you don’t have to believe everything she tells you. If she tells you things and you are not sure about them, then you can always ask me and I will tell you my version of it. You can decide for yourself what the truth is.
I let him know I love him and we hug it out, but I am left hurt because I let myself down and therefore my kids.
Afterwards my daughter and I get to the party and things go well. She has a great time, and a lot of the parents know her since she is very social with the kids and parents. As the mom of the birthday boy states – she is the only one he ever talks about. I’ve never heard of her son which is pretty common occurrence at the parties for her. I talk to a few parents, mainly dads, but I am a stranger in the group. I only pick up my daughter once and drop her off once so unlike Hunter I don’t have any connection with any of them and they all seem to look at me inquisitively. I’m not the one they see and although no one mentions Hunter I am left to wonder how much everyone knows. I know some know nothing. I am guessing one or two know more. Mostly I just look around and see that everyone is married. Good lucking ladies with good looking guys. Good looking ladies with less than average looking guys. Some wealthy, some not, some old, some young – all married and working in pairs and I wonder why am I stuck in the place without a companion to go through life. Hunter appears to already be making that transition to a new beau, and thinks she deserves a second change without having to pay for all the destruction she has caused. I am sure she will pick some less than good looking buy that appears to have a life that she can intercept and replace and then I will be the one having to fight her, him, and the kids since she will more than likely sacrifice the kids to keep the marriage just like her mom did. In a few years she will wake up and not love him, like she did the rest of us but she will stay married to him the rest of her life because a second divorce will be too painful and financially costly to go through. She would rather die with this new version of Patrick / Me / Chris than die alone and I will be the one she will always blame. Parental alienation at its best.
I hope I can find a way to get my head together. I am wondering if I need a psychiatrist to get the meds together. I would talk with my counselor but Ben is on an extended holiday for a couple of months so I doubt I would be able to talk to him until July. I can’t call my sister anymore since it is too emotionally painful for her to deal with all my drama, and Jason has gotten tired of talking about it mainly because at this point in time he constantly tries to convince me that his infidelity was acceptable and that she wants to get back with me which isn’t the truth anymore and I can’t convince him otherwise and it hurts to much to constantly tell him he is wrong. The most important thing for me is not to try and dwell on signals that state she wants to get back together but to focus on getting the divorce done ASAP.
She doesn’t want to get back together with me, she just doesn’t want to go through the painful financial situation of the divorce. In her mind “true love” is out there for her, just like in all of those fantasy vampire books she reads. In the end I am the only one trying to make myself into a person worthy of a quality relationship and I don’t believe it will ever happen while she will get into a relationship ASAP, believe this is exactly what she was looking for from Patrick / Me / Chris but never got, then end up in the same place as where we are now except she will change who she is just to survive and whatever was left of the little girl I fell in love with so long ago will truly be dead.