4/29/14 – Mediation

This morning we spoke about planning the summer. I let her run the show since she is always “uncomfortable” on the phone and “we can never be friends.” I get it. I was out of line on Monday which I eventually apologized for. We get through everything with little issue then I say I want to add some language for keeping me in the loop and she losses it.

I start hearing all the same language as when Chris was in play. I’m keeping her under my thumb, I make her feel small, she doesn’t have to tell me what she is doing. I can literally see the arguments we had the three or four times she went out back then and didn’t tell me or call me. I can feel the same sense of things. It’s like reliving the 11:30PM fights right here in the morning.

She tells me that if I do that then we are going to court since that is settled. I’m sure she is pissed I caught her in a lie and I highlight that is the reason I want to add language regarding scheduling. She shifts the conversation to – “if you keep talking about me talking bad about you to my family or dating I might as well go and do it so I get the enjoyment out of what I am being accused of. It’s like I haven’t even told anyone at work yet.”

There it is – her own form of BPD projection and the distortion campaign. Next week I will have to start actively networking down here to combat what she is saying to get in front of it this time. She may have a high profile job, but I can out maneuver her around here. That’s my strong suit and anyone will smile at people who work where she does just to keep the business. They will tell me the truth and work with me to get a long term relationship that will feed the family.

I knew I felt it yesterday when she was all dressed up and she was walking away from the kissing and this weekend when for the first time she wouldn’t tell me she loved me. I almost want to say she was wearing makeup, or at least lipstick. The kiss felt smoother.

She has found her replacement and is emotionally distancing herself from me and using excuses of keeping her under my thumb and talking trash to her family as ways to disclose to me the half truths. She did it again – she is projecting the barriers just like ten years ago so she can emotionally rationalize her actions.

Not like she would technically need to, but I’m guessing she has or has someone in her sights. Maybe she has already been asked out. I know I want to know because I still feel she is my wife and she would be cheating on me if she did. I also want to know how long if she is, to find out if he actually was cheating on me again. Although I did not feel it until recently. Sad part is it’s not cheating if it just started and if she really wants to be left alone I told her tell me she cheated on me with more than Chris and I won’t ever bother her again.

Got here at the attorneys a few minutes early. Took a mini Mr. Goodbar – my favorite. Looked up some stats and there are Just over 450,000 divorced or separated people in North County Coastal. Assuming slightly less than half is female there are approximately 220,000 available women out here in my region. Break out the top and bottom age groups and there should be 100,000 available women to choose from. I guess 1:100,000 is all I need. I wanted Hunter to be that one, but she doesn’t want the job anymore. Just need to find the next one because I am sure that the last one and I will not be speaking very much. It’s hard to love someone and let them go knowing that their they are going to get will not be what they are dreaming of. Like a parent watching a child make a mistake. Some lessons can only be learned not taught. I hope she seeks help and finds peace one day.

From my point of view the meeting went well. I didn’t get the cash out I was looking for I’m getting stock over the next couple of years which means I will have less of a down payment. But we settled on no spousal or child supports and she pays the add-on costs. She was not happy about that, but the numbers my attorney ran meant that I could push and she would end up paying for everything and still cutting me a check. Not sure if she noticed me pulling up my schedules on the phone while the attorney was cranking the DissoMaster.

I find it funny how a woman can bitch and complain about glass ceilings and how all of these rules and laws are necessary to support women (which they were absolutely necessary decades ago, and for traditional families still necessary to this day), but when a man avails himself to the same equal rules I’m a deadbeat. Really?

I wanted 50/50 and you agreed to it until you realized you would be alone and would end up paying me. Now that you are good to go with knocking down my custody and everything I’m a jerk for “not providing.”

– As long as I have to live on that freeway to see my kids and live where you dumped me I don’t think I should have to pay for it.

– She agrees, but she is pissed.

I get the attorney to redo the calcs with her bonuses and all-in W-2 (not just base) and she sees it’s a net wash. Over time I lose out if she makes senior director, but the spousal support wouldn’t last much more than six years anyways so in the end when you factor in taxes and time value of money it’s a wash. Assuming we both are able to keep doing what we are doing.

That just means I need to pay off the little condo I buy ASAP. If anything happens I need to have a small payment (property and utilities).

I called her afterwards and left her a message to see how she was doing. I went to the restroom after paying my half of the fee and she had already hit the truck. I waved but she blew me off. If she does have someone we will most likely not talk civilly for a very long time unless the guy dumps her. If she doesn’t have one she will cool down in a couple of weeks.

I let her be the petitioner so she can tell everyone she is divorcing me and I’ve let that story ride down in SD. The people in OC and my firm know the truth. Time to let go of the past and start planning the future. I hope God has a plan for me, my children, and for Hunter. I love her and hate to see her in such pain. She wants freedom but not to be free. Tough BPD place to be. I know she wants her alone time, but I just want to hold her. Not for sex or to reunite, but just to comfort her. I obviously still have work to do.

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