4/30/14 – Splitting 101

Obviously the emotional toll of meditation hit me harder than expected.  I was asleep before 9PM and awake about 3am. My mind was buzzing with the negative thoughts of “it’s over,” “how do I forgive her,” “God let your forgiveness for her flow through me so that I can forgive her,” “how could she do this to me,” etc.

The most nefarious of thoughts – if I forgive her will she eventually come back to me.  Is this really what she wants is my forgiveness to reconcile? She was very sweet yesterday after the mediation with the emails, phone call with the kids, and texts.  She was also pleasant in saying she needed some time alone that night unlike the last couple of meetings where we would talk for hours on the phone.  Usually its a catharsis between us that brings us closer but also some about of closure.  It appeared that she had come to terms with things and I was a good guy again – a friend worth having.

Intellectually I know that what she really wants is for me to stay around long enough until she has found a replacement to satisfy her need not to be alone or abandoned (classic BPD).  She has specifically stated that she was only using me to not be alone several times and doesn’t really love me.  Then again, she also said she felt that she was feeling in love with me again this summer, that she never loved me, that she did love me off and on after Chris so it is impossible to really know the truth.

Emotionally its hard to come to terms that the truth may be that the last few years have been about her not wanting to raise the kids alone and did not want to have to come to terms with publicly with the vile despicable things she did behind my back so long ago and how it literally destroyed a lot of my career potential as my referral sources dried up due to the lack of respect from all of the rumors and me staying with her.  It’s a fickle world, and I tend to be a bit naive, or as Ben would say I am trusting compassionate soul and that isn’t a bad thing.  Right now I am not so sure.

At work I get a couple of emails from Hunter coordinating the various meetings for my Son with his various health teams.  Then came the money email.  Our discussions came to the conclusion that we split the health costs, and Hunter would pay for the daycare, but what about sports and clothes.  Daughter needs new shoes, summer clothes, and swim lessons are due next week.  All this over what would effectively be less than $80 of my money.

So I spend 45 minutes drafting a two page email explaining my side of things knowing that she will keep it forever in case she wants to show attorneys or other people.  In a nutshell:

– I gave up my rights to spousal support to cover the child supports and the numbers benefited you now and will have a greater benefit as the kids get older the child care costs become small.

– I did not anticipate splitting a lot of those costs directly.  The last six months we split the costs informally.  She paid for the baseball registration.  I payed for the new bat, helmut, gloves, and practice items.  She pays for swim, I pay for all of the driving range, gold clubs, and batting cage fees.  I pay for all of the family dinners.  I never ask for reimbursement, and neither have you.

– If I pay for clothes I would like to keep some of them at my place so the kids have more than the one change of clothes she has allowed me to have here and they don’t always have to pack and unpack clean / dirty clothes every week.

– I was planning on buying some annual passes for the Zoo and Sea World on my stay-cation.  You could use these if you wanted to if you wanted to take them separately in the future.  I was also thinking about the Balboa Museum annual passes.  Would these costs be things that we would split?

– The bigger issue is how we will pay for the more expensive items in the future – ie schools camps – like the one they do in DC around here?  How should we split these bigger costs?

– If she feels that is unfair (clothes / swim) I would be more than happy to discuss it since an extra $100 – $200 a month is not that big a deal for either of us – thankfully.  I want to avoid the “you can’t do that because dad/mom won’t pay his/her half.”  I also want to avoid having to have an argument very month over money and having to use spreadsheets back and forth to substantiate what we spent, what each of us feels is subject to reimbursement, and the arguments that will cause. 

– I want to avoid having this create additional negative goodwill between us.  I know you feel we cannot be friends, but must be enemies but I know a few people that have become friends afterwards, some ever close or best friends.  I am not bound by the rules of society or your parents examples, so I don’t feel the need to fight over everything.

– Maybe we split based on our custody percentages?

– Your email did not state what your thoughts were on these items, so please email your idea and we can discuss between the two.

I know she wants to split the costs, but she never comes out and says it.  Our entire marriage has been her not stating what she wants because as she would put it “you have the right to be angry over what happened so I can’t say anything.”  She never admitted to what happened I only suspected, and after a while I only mentioned it when she wouldn’t sell her car and we needed more than a two seater for our growing family.  Anything to not be abandoned and poor. So she sits there in the house watching tv because she wants someone to take her out and show her the world, while she has someone to take care of the kids so she doesn’t have to, someone to make dinner and feed the kids, clean the house, and take care of the house maintenance so she doesn’t have to.  She only wants to party and work and not put in any effort into anything but work.  It’s all she has any energy for unless she has those butterfly feelings of love which she doesn’t have for me anymore after all those years of lives and guilt.

Her reply – Thank you for your point of view no further discussion is required. Have son home Friday at 6pm (the time she would normally get home).  The implication is that the Friday afternoon sessions with my son at the range or cages are now cancelled. I am now a bastard again.  Hero to zero in a few seconds because she didn’t get what she wanted. Splitting 101.

I call and email her saying that the email sounded like she was not happy with the result, and that she should let me know what she wants to do specifically so we can discuss it.  The point of this is to get to a place that we both can agree on a framework that each of us can live with.  Or as a good negotiator will say “everyone feels like they lost – the sign no one won.” I know I gave up a lot of the alimony since it was in my benefit and will only grow over time.  She doesn’t get the fact that the state doesn’t care about gender when it comes to supports.  She ignores the email.

On the drive home she calls and leaves me a message on my cell.  It must have been while I was the phone with a friend or my sister since it didn’t come through.  But she tells me she is “politely” calling me back as requested and has spoken with my assistant so I must be on the road.  She has never talked to my assistant to find me unless it was an emergency.  Maybe twice in the ten years I have worked there.  My EA knows my parents voices better than hers, and she uses my direct dial or my cell phone, but she did not originally call my cell first. She must be attempting to keep her interactions public for some reason.  Not sure what they are since we should have all of the paperwork filled out within the month.

After my frustrating time with my daughter I go to Grado to make her dinner since its getting late.  I get the impression my daughter wants to fit in a weeks worth of activity in a couple of hours.  Splitting lemonade at the mall and shopping for shoes (which I switch to lemonade at my place after the dry cleaners), going to the beach and walking in the water, picking up shells, going to the park and playing with her friends from school, then she wants to go out to dinner (but its PB&J at Grado), and then shower, book, hugs & kisses, bed.  And at the dry cleaners Hunter is still using my account for the cleaners.  She doesn’t pick-up or pay for my cleaning, but does tell them that I can pick up and pay for hers.  That just cracks me up.

After dinner my son and Hunter come home from his baseball game, and he is yelling about how I am not allowed to be there, that I need to leave, its not his house, he’s not allowed to stay, etc.  I can hear Hunter’s rants have taken hold inside his head.  Maybe he’s upset that daughter and I got home first, or she got one-on-one time.  I don’t know but Hunter is escalating the argument and yelling at him, and he starts talking about killing her.  “I’m going to take a knife and stab you in the heart.”  I tell him to go to his room and that he is not allowed to talk to his mom that way.  They start fighting even more.  I’m going to lock up the knives.  I’m going to get my bat and crack your head open.  Who knew when I brought you home from the hospital I would have to have locks on the knives and doors.

I tell him to go to his room, and Hunter tells us we are all going to stop talking to him.  Of course, by now her fight with him has escalated things to a place he is just spouting violent threats.

The worst part is for my daughter.  She sees all this, hears all this, sees the attention he gets from this, and learns these habits.  She wants more milk, and I tell her she needs to finish her bell pepper strips before more milk.  She tells me if she doesn’t get the milk she is going to get a knife and stab me in the heart.  His words out of her mouth.  I see the future.  My BPD ex-wife’s rants over money and abandonment coming out of my Aspergers mouth, then out of my daughters.  That house is going to be the creepy house on the block that everyone looks to when the cat goes missing.  Worst part there is nothing I can do about it.  She won’t release her and he can’t be moved.  If Ben is correct, when things get stressful for her year end or she gets into a serious relationship and the kids start to interfere she will abandon them to me.  Then my life truly changes.

She and I don’t really make eye contact and do not discuss expenses or activities.  She comments on the baseball game, and I crack a few jokes and she laughs a little but catches herself so she doesn’t let down her guard too much.  I give her a hub from behind and tell her to let it go, and she tells me she is trying but she is uncomfortable with that right now.  I let her go, and ask why she is mad at me.  “I’m not mad at you.  Can’t I just be upset with the situation?”  I say sure and leave her alone.

She doesn’t want the divorce until she has my replacement.  I am sure with tirades like the one my son had she feels no guy would tolerate that for long.  At least no good looking, well paid professional with lot’s of friends and outside activities to drag a women with no friends or EQ to meet new people socially would want.  Who knows what runs in her head and when? Maybe the guy she is after at work didn’t ask her out even with the new skinny jeans and low cut top that she stopped wearing a long time ago.  That’s two low cut tops in a row.  Should be interesting to see what she wears on Thursday and Friday.  I will get a better idea soon.  Then again I should not be worried about it.  It’s her life not mine and I should stay out of it.  She will eventually start dating. I am sure I will too.  I just hate knowing she will be in a relationship by the end of the year and I don’t know if I will be ready to date by then or not.  Only time will tell.  Need to figure out how to heal and emotionally disconnect.  Be friends without any hope of “benefits.”  It will be the only way to stay connected to the kids more than the Parent Plan calls for.

5 thoughts on “4/30/14 – Splitting 101

  1. Oh, I think my ex and I are in the same predicament. I still depend on him financially, and don’t want to move on because I don’t want to have to do this all on my own. I can feel he wants to be in the “friends with benefits” zone because he’s not ready to date. It’s hard. I feel like I’m using him and giving him ideas, but at the same time I don’t want to be alone.

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    • Strange to hear the other side of the story from a third party. From my perspective the FWB is a way of keeping a door open into her changing her mind although intellectually I am sure she won’t. She has stated that she is just using me for the comfort and security during the transition. My advice would be “no physical contact” at the least, and be specific about it with him. The hardest part for me is when she feels comfortable the language always become ambiguous – “I will decide when we have sex again” then changes when she is angry to “we will never have sex again.” It’s not an easy transition, and neither of us have been able to implement the discipline to create a clean break. I wish you luck!!!

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