Not sure how to approach her. We need to talk about our sons ABA treatment plan. We need to discuss drop-off / pick-up issues. I called her in her office today and she pushes it through to voicemail.
I’m not talking about the past. I’m not harassing her with just a single message regarding our children. I’m not calling her names.
I’ve invited her to Cinco de Mayo dinner this weekend as it appears all “non-vital” holidays are on her days. She is not even Irish, and do I get to spend St. Patricks day with the kids – NO. Oh, she’s Catholic and I’m not. She doesn’t practice Catholicism – much less adhere to any moral or ethical construct – but that out weighs the fact that I can trace my ancestors back to the island in 1709? In her mind Yes.
Tough part is I have no one to talk to about things going on in my life. I told her everything, but she told me very little and she won’t talk to me at all. For her it’s not a big deal to be alone a little while until she gets her next boyfriend at work. For me I have no one to discuss work things with anymore. Or the good news on my buddies kidney cancer surgery. I can’t talk to her about it because he is my friend not hers. Not that she really cares about anyone anyways. Just her fears of being alone and being poor.
I work and have friends in one county. I live in another. I have two feet 70 miles apart trying to walk in four different directions (children, business, friends, and dating – at least starting to come to the realization that I need to get out there somehow). I feel so trapped and alone most days. I’m getting little sleep and I’m getting tired. Probably just depressed which is not a healthy state to be in.
She called and left a voicemail – sure I could come over but son would want movie night etc. In regards to us “I am not trying to make things awkward – I just don’t really have anything to talk to you about or say.” Just having to listen to it again to type it up rips me apart. 16 years together and this is where its at. All because of her guilt.
I call her and leave her a message at work and on her cell to talk about sons ABA, and us. She finally calls back and she goes on about how she hates the slow progress for son, and how she doesn’t have the time to help him, and she is embarrassed by his actions. Nothing that she sees will ever change. Typical BPD trait – black or white no grey or in this case growth or future.
When it comes to us, she says she has a lot of things to work through. Those things are none of my business and she isn’t going to talk to me about them. I ask what I said at the meeting yesterday to set her off, and she is silent. She just says that its here issue and she needs to deal with it. She is okay being friendly, but not friends. She doesn’t think we can ever be friends. “It took twenty years before I stopped hating Patrick.”
– Why do you hate me so much then?
– I don’t hate you. It’s just you made it quite clear you don’t want to be just friends.
– I said I wanted to try and be friends. I don’t want to hear about your dating life, but that is understandable.
– Well I don’t know if the things you say will ever not make me angry.
– What in particular made you angry so I will try and not talk about those things.
Silence. She is unwilling to discuss anything. At some point she tells me she doesn’t want me to misconstrue her actions as a desire to reconcile. I tell her I am sure the last month or two has been me trying to not let her go. And as far as yesterday I didn’t say anything negative or derogatory. The only comment that she could have been upset by would be me asking about her new coat – which she said wasn’t new, but the order bag from WHBM was on the table with the white version of her black coat, and since she also got skinny jeans and a few other things that were new I know she is lying. I am sure in her mind its a comment her needing my money for shoes. Of course, I will spend $100 today for golf with son but she won’t acknowledge that.
I tell her I am sorry that things didn’t work out. That I love her and I forgive her for the past. She doesn’t say a word. I am sure she doesn’t want to admit to the fact that most of the hell I am living in is her fault. All of the bad relationship have been her fears, and now the end is complete. What’s hardest is all of the people who keep telling me that God can restore this. Even my chiro said it this morning. God also doesn’t restore things that are not good, and he sometimes has to destroy bad things to make room for better things to come along.
I hope I find a way to get through this. I hope she finds a way to get help. I need to find a way to get more Saturday nights open as there does not seem to be many Friday night single group events around here. If I only get the six Tuesdays a year, I may just move back up to Orange County, but that would involve a court battle and she wants my son and I in her life as little as possible.
I am guessing this is God’s way of helping me understand that happiness comes from within, not without, and I just need to learn to be as happy in her presence as if she is not around and to start making plans for a life without her.
A couple of quotes I need to post in my head from Tony Robbins:
“Don’t cross oceans for people who won’t cross puddles for you.”
“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.”
“Whatever happens take responsibility.”
“Happiness is found in the absence of expectation and the continuos focus on appreciation.”
“If you can’t you must, and if you must you can.”