I have been having a hard time getting through this grief, embarrassment, and guilt. A lot of the time I used to pray for help, strength, or guidance. After a while I started praying for a catastrophic accident during my 130 mile round trip commute. Every once in a while I would hit a pot hole, and with low profile tires on I would wait to see if this would be the blow out that would take away the pain. Soon I felt selfish for this because it would ultimately end up hurting others around me on the freeway.
More recently I have been praying for a heart attack during my sleep. Fall asleep and never wake up. That would be a carefree and painless way to go. I understand this is not a mentally healthy state of mind, but suicide seemed inappropriate. Over the last couple of days I had decided that if I couldn’t get a clean break from her I would execute my final escape plan in November after her 10-K gets filed and my life insurance policy would lapse. Why give her an extra $1.5MM to play with? Awaiting her list of demands to let me go was tough. Thankfully I had my kids this weekend which is always a great way to take my mind off of my own issues as they are fun to be around and need constant love and attention.
Last night she gave me her list of “demands” for me to move back to Orange County. Surprisingly, there was not a dollar amount on it. She just stated she would not need any money. The child custody was reasonable. Same holiday schedule, virtually the same amount of full weeks, and alternating weekends. This was basically what I would have been proposing anyways. Then came the final two.
First, the children would be allowed to “fully participate in one team sport a year.” Effectively, that puts me down here with her two of every three weekends I have the children for at last a day. If the kids get into some type of playoffs, then with the holidays mixed in its most of the weekends. No real freedom from her as I get the pleasure of seeing her every time I see the kids, and when they get older and decide they want to spend time with their friends down in San Diego once the sports may be over I am either getting my weekends skipped over, or driving them down here to accommodate. No chance for the kids to get a community of friends up in Orange County and establish a safe haven from her BPD roller coaster ride.
Second, the children would go to school in San Diego. Not EUSD or CUSD as originally agreed to. San Diego. That is fairly large city and an even larger county. Orange County has the same amount of people, but is 1/5th the size. I think it was a small nod to her decision to move the kids closer to her job and get her off the freeway commute if I moved. Another veiled attempt to control me. I would hate to think that she would move my son from his program and ABA therapies, but if I’m not around I am sure she would have to move closer to where her new man will mostly likely be living in – Scripps Ranch. Now my weekends are revolving around their sports teams and a 160 mile commute. That would definitely keep the kids away from me once the team sports faded away. No real freedom until the children fade away. In a few years I am free, but without my children – my family.
This morning was horrible. I woke up early and could not stop crying and praying to God to let me go. Take me home so I don’t have to do it myself. Stroke, heart attack, aneurysm, anything to make it all simple fade away. An adult life spent on a woman who used me for over a decade and who truly does not seem to care about what she has done to me. She just wants to placate me during the divorce so that I don’t tell the children the truth.
Near the end of my shower, a calm came over. I couldn’t feel anything emotionally. It was almost like I was having a BPD moment. Nothing inside. Everything I was she took and now there is nothing left in here.
After the shower I got dressed and checked the blog and looked at the Stats section. It still surprises me that people read this drama. I’ve been keeping my journal on WordPress since August 2013 and uploaded my July entries once I moved over. June 30th, 2013 was when I first brought up Chris again and she told me they kissed and that she didn’t love me anymore and to get out. In the hotel room my sister told me to get a counselor for myself, a marriage counselor, and to start journaling. I never meant for this to be public, but after reading so many books on the subject and other websites (Welcome to Oz) I thought I would make it public in April 2014 and use pseudonyms. I cleaned up some of the earlier entries and had planned on making everything in 2014 public. It takes a lot of time to clean up the names so I haven’t gotten much further back than March.
Anyways, I get a little traffic now everyday but I don’t publicize the blog. My hope is not numbers, but a way to get all of these unhealthy emotions out. This morning there was a search result engine term referrer “life is an illusion married to a borderline.” Wow – it was like seeing myself on the outside reaching in. I googled the same term and came across a couple of articles. This one isn’t polite, but it really hit home. If the person who saw my blog by that search term – THANK YOU. If you are someone dealing with same issues this and the second article in the 5/5/14 entry will be of use. These two articles saved my life.
There seems to be two categories men with abusive exes fall into:
- Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty I am free at last! These men are able to recognize that their relationship wasn’t based on love, but upon control tactics (fear, shame, guilt), unmet emotional needs, dysfunctional dependency and projection. Once…
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