5/5/14 – Striving For My Personal Defeat of My BPD French Wife

So she isn’t really French, but she always dreamed she was.  She has reams of high school French class journals and the newspapers with all of her A grades.  We even got engaged at Norte Dame in Paris.  I used to always remind her that it was meant to be at the Eiffel Tower, but she changed her itinerary at the last minute which is unlike her.  It was actually a great trip in Paris, although London was tough.  She hates the cold and rain, and constantly complained about the bad food.  So much for Cinco de Mayo.

Today has been one heck of a whirlwind. The whole last 15 hours really. My call with Hunter last night at 8:45pm (she calls right on the dot when I suggest a time) lasted about 20 minutes. She had said she would have preferred to talk about me moving to Orange County isn’t of just being told to write down her demands when she dropped off the letter. I don’t think she expected me to say anything. It didn’t look like she had planned on dropping it off. She walked into the department and played nice with me again. All smiles and hello and how was your day. I just said hello and I didn’t see anything in sons backpack. That’s when she chimed in, and dropped off the letter that was scrunched in her purse.

Her letter was simple and unsigned. Just Dear John…

No money, a standard custody schedule for an 80/20 split, and a requirement that the kids “fully participate in one team sport a year.” My sister said that was reasonable, but it means that I would drive down and see her almost every weekend. So much for a clean brake from her. It reduces the amount of time I see her, but doesn’t eliminate it. I text her and say if she wants to discuss things she can call me at 8:45pm. Which she did and says you wanted me to call.

– You said you wanted to talk about it….

– I think if you are moving to Orange County why did we waste all this time and arguments.

– I’m not sure I can handle the commute long term. I can’t say more without bringing up the past and upsetting you.

– Ok, so should we set up another meeting.

– No, I will send you an email with my thoughts and we can just add in a paragraph into the final documents once we agree upon things.

– Why wait until now?

I tell her it’s been tough when someone tells you the last 12 years have been a complete lie. You tell me you only married me for the ring. That I was a rebound gone bad. You cheated on me less than a year into our marriage, you are still stuck in him, your soulmate in Seattle, you haven’t loved me in eleven years, and you only stayed with me because you didn’t want to be alone or poor. That’s a lot to put someone on the edge and having to commute 12 hours a week with nothing to think about but hating you, hating me for sacrificing so much of my life, ways to kill myself, and how you don’t really care how much you hurt me or ruined my life, is taking a significant toll on me. I don’t want to hate you or kill myself. I want some relief and need some space, and I need to know what things would look like if I decided I needed to move.

– So you’re not moving?

– I don’t know if I am moving. I just know that I need to be able to do so if I need to and understand what that would mean. You are going to make friends, reconnect with your old high school friends, you have a short commute, and you work in a place where you are going to find someone if you haven’t already picked someone out or started dating someone already.

– She starts going on about what she did Sunday, but nothing about what she did Saturday night. What she said she was doing Saturday night is what she did Sunday. It doesn’t mean anything, but it’s just a typical lie. She goes on about how she isn’t dating.

– Maybe you aren’t, but you get that little look in your eye when and get all excited when I say you want to date other people.

Silence.

– I will send you an email.

She goes on about something. I’m not sure what. I’m crying and trying not to let her hear it.

– I will talk to you Wednesday. Then I hang up.

I take a pan and went to bed early.

I slept until 6am and then got in the shower and cried for a half hour. How unfair is it that she did everything wrong and I did everything I thought was right and God has blessed her with the house, the kids, the cats, the furniture, the job, and the short commute. She makes $400k plus a year, and bitches about money and goes on about having to take lunch to work. Only because she doesn’t want to sell the six figures a stock she receives a year.

She will find my replacement in a few months if she hasn’t already lined him up, and she has already infiltrated my church and in a ladies group.

Finally things get quiet in my head and there is nothing left in me. No emotional feelings whatsoever. Nothing. Just an empty hollow. Like there was a bit of silence in the world that should not be there.

I walk out the shower a bit stunned – almost lost. I think lost is a good word. I was running on autopilot. Drying off, getting dressed, and then I checked the phone and pulled up the stats on WordPress. Not something I generally do, but there was a search engine referrer for “life is an illusion when married to a borderline.” Welcome to Oz. It resounded my core. Like seeing myself googling my own life and seeing me look me up in a different life. It’s how I feel my life have been.

I don’t know what is real. I don’t know what is fake. What’s is truth versus fiction? I could not tell you. I read some things and she didn’t love me. I read other things and I know she did. She hated me then. Our small moments where her favorite things in life other times.

So I googled the same search term and came up with a couple of articles. One is from another blog where the man was in the same situation a few years ago. Another is from a PhD and the link is below.

http://www.sharischreiber.com/anycost.html

They truly hit home. I knew it already, but it gives me strength to move forward especially since my kids are desperate for me to stay around. I don’t know if I will stay or move, but it helps to center me and keep me reminded of the rules of engagement and what I am dealing with. What I need to do, and why I am acting like I am. I knew a lot of this stuff intellectually already but I am hoping a constant reading and reminding of what I am dealing with (instead of a who) that I can at least try and heal and move forward as a stronger better me.

6 thoughts on “5/5/14 – Striving For My Personal Defeat of My BPD French Wife

  1. I have a lot of empathy for what you are going through – I can imagine myself in your situation and it would be incredibly difficult. I wish you the best of luck with your children and managing the relationship with your wife.
    I’m commenting because I always want to confront stigma about BPD when I see it, even if it’s off topic to do so. The Shari Schreiber article contains several huge distortions – e.g. “Borderlines do not get better with age” … ‘Borderlines lie, fabricate, and embellish the truth”… “Most borderlines are exceptionally bright”… “Borderlines don’t change, because they don’t have to”… and the notion that borderlines don’t stay in treatment long enough to get better.
    These statements are so black and white and overgeneralized as to be almost “borderline” themselves! 🙂 In reality, any one of these statements does apply to some borderlines, but not others. It was fascinating how Schreiber implied that she thought borderlines could heal, but then turned around and said they never stay in therapy long enough to do so. Perhaps she is generalizing from her own experience working with borderlines. On my blog, I list many therapists who have written extensively about long-term successful treatments of borderlines.
    The truth is, many borderlines have improved dramatically, many stay in therapy long enough to get better, and a good number improve to the point where they’re no loner diagnosable as BPD… like yours truly. Many borderlines do get better with age, many borderlines do not lie and fabricate, many borderlines are below average intelligence, and so on.
    I understand why reading Schreiber’s writing might be comforting to someone who’s been dealing with a “borderline” who isn’t getting help. But, let’s not represent all borderlines – or former borderlines – in a negative way.

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    • I agree that Dr. Shreiber’s article is overly broad and overly negative regarding BPD. I am glad to hear that you have been able to overcome the disorder and you are providing a positive light for those who may suffer from it. Thanks for your comment and I wish continued success in the future.

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  2. Thank you. As noted, some of Schreiber’s assertions could be true but only in certain situations and with certain people. I know that people diagnosed with BPD can be extremely difficult and exasperating to be with, because I have been that way with my therapists, family, and a few close friends who felt I was driving them crazy. Today, I am completely different, and cannot believe that I acted that way before. But the rage, fear, and hopelessness associated with not having an identity, feeling like a child in an adult’s body, and feeling desperate and that one cannot survive psychologically, are so great that they drive borderlines to act this way. The “borderline behaviors” are much less conscious than friends or family sometimes think. Luckily, a disordered personality is also based largely on experiential / environmental factors, at least in my experience, and so they were able to be transformed. But that only happens if someone is motivated to get better and finds a way to develop self-awareness. Hopefully that will happen to some degree with your wife at some point.

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  3. Just pointing out that Shari doesn’t have a any sort of psych or clinical credentials much less a phD – last I heard her licence was cancelled and she’s running a website offering counselling to people using wisdom gained from her EXTENSIVE life experiences and an MA. -.- Seriously…pick someone else. Anyone else. Just not that quack -.-

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