My daughters gets on FaceTime and tells me she wants me to come over there. She’s scared and “you told me to call you to come over and get me when I’m scared.” I tell her it isn’t my decision and what is there to be scared of? She changes tactics and tells me she wants to go to my house and sleep over here. Nothing I can so but change the subject and have her sing to me. She wants to be a pop star when she grows up and sings me a three year-olds version of her favorite Frozen tune. It used to be Let It Go when I still lived there, but things change. Now she sings me Do You Want To Build A Snowman. I can’t help but read into the Anna / Elsa reference as she and I “used to be best buddies but now we’re not. I wish you would tell me why.” All I can do is clap and cheer from a four inch screen and hold back the tears as there isn’t much I can do. I can’t save her anymore, and I haven’t learned to let her go. I don’t want to let her go as she really is the only thing keeping me grounded right now.
I have client responsibilities and friends and family to keep in touch with. That gets me through the days most of the time. But they are not enough to keep me on this side of the veil.
And my son who’s special issues and extreme XX bonding tendencies haven’t allowed for type of bond between us. He has it for his mom, or any female teachers or care takers. At least I know he has a small army of people watching over him even if he tends to get set off by his mom for more reasons than necessary. It is still hard to see how my daughter will use every tactic to increase the time with me and my son just likes to play with the screen. It’s not his fault. Just part of uniqueness being seven and on the Spectrum.
I got a strange email from Hunter today. It was talking about the week and how the kids wanted to go to the Zoo for Mothers Day and if I wanted to come along. She also set up a lunch date on Saturday for me and my daughter and offered up the In-N-Out Good Behavior Certificate my son earned at school Monday for use after his baseball game on Wednesday. Just like the week she was supposed to have the kids 100% she keeps giving me time with them. I was also copied on a bunch of emails related to my sons treatments. I guess my pushing including a move to Orange County clause is the dissolution papers has made a change in her.
She tells she gives me more time because they want to see me. I’m sure that is true of my daughter. I don’t think my son would say that. Part of me thinks it’s her way of making sure I’m not doing anything fun without her. Part of me thinks she can’t handle the kids and needs my help. Either way she gets to control me and get her free time on Saturday nights and Sundays while making sure I am not replacing her.
I am going to have to break my heart a little to use my time for me, but I can’t sit around and watch tv or start a video game hobby because I want 10-15 minutes of FaceTime with my kids. She broke my world and I just need to find a way to use the pieces to rebuild me. A better more well rounded me. Maybe just a slightly happier me.
I wish my daughter lived with me. I wish I could take her home to Irvine and show her all of my favorite places and things. I hope my Creator finds a way to open Hunters heart and let my daughter and I go.
My son would get the attention he desperately needs and she would get a peaceful place to grow up in. But Hunter will never let her go – how else would she be able to hold on to me in some capacity. I’m starting to hope she is thinking about dating. Once she finds my replacement maybe she would let my daughter and I go.