5/14/14 – Wild Fires

Another sleepless night. Woke up around 1:45 am. Couldn’t get back to sleep for a long time. Tattoo Nightmares on the tv. People make some crazy decisions with permanent marker. At least the two I got have personal stories, but the police officer with the my little pony tattoo. What was his mom thinking?

I should have known it would happen too. Hunter would like some help with the kids since she is overly stressed with her dad’s surgery. So I come over last night have dinner, place baseball in the back yard for a while, try and get my daughter bathed and ready until I can’t take her complete out of control-ness. Daughter obviously needs more attention than she gets. Then again Hunter came out with me and Son to practice in the backyard leaving my daughter alone inside for 30 – 45.

– Where’s Daughter? Did you lock her in a closet?

– Playing with her princesses.

– Why not bring her out?

– She’s fine. No reason to disrupt Sons practice.

Practice goes on. After it’s obvious my son is no longer interested in practice, he goes inside and I start picking up some of the equipment. I tell him before he leaves he needs to pick up the other stuff. Hunter and Son come out and start arguing over the fact that she wants him to continue practicing. I tell her to let it go. He’s already practiced a lot and it’s getting late. She starts in on picking things up and I go inside.

I try and get Daughter upstairs for bath, but she wants outside with mom. I hang out inside with the cats. At least they want to spend time with me.

A few minutes later, and Hunter is yelling at Daughter to go back inside and has Sons arms behind his back because he tried to hit her.

I don’t understand why she is so quick with the restraining. I would restrain him once or twice a year at most. Most of the time it was momentary. Get to play and wrestle mode and the anger dissipates since it was really about attention. Help him learn that bad attention leads to bad consequences – good attention, good consequences.

I wrangle Daughter upstairs with the promise of carrying her upside down which she loves. However, she is all about dancing, singing, fooling around. Not enough listening. Fifteen minutes later she is still not in the tub, and Hunter walks up and I go down stairs.

Hunter gets her in the tub and tells me it’s this way everyday. In my head I know I never have this much trouble with the kids at my place. The worst interactions are usually less than 5 minutes. Fifteen is the longest, and that’s if I am tired and can’t read the tea leaves to configure the proper incentives (tv, story, music).

I put daughter to bed, and hear Hunter telling my son that she is going down stairs since he isn’t listening. I say goodbye to Son and Hunter asks me to hang out to go over her call with his teacher. She grabs wine and we sit at the table. His teacher said he had a good day, but son said otherwise. Son made a comment to his teacher and she told him it hurt her feelings. That crushes him. He doesn’t understand when he hurts someone’s feelings, but when he realizes it or is told so – it breaks his heart. That’s it. She must want some more company.

I have her sit on my lap and give her snuggle. She goes on about the heat rash she has and the cream she is using. I see the bumps and the saw cream on the counter when I came in. Yes it’s hot, you don’t have central air, and you have a limited physical range for temps.

We kiss a little and then I rub her belly some. Getting a little past the hairline than intended, but she doesn’t say a word. I pull my hands up because I wasn’t intending anything, but still surprised that I can see her hairline when I pull my hands up and she doesn’t adjust her pants or panties at all.

She says she is going to check on Son and thanks me for helping out with the kids. I ask about snuggle afterward, and she says she too uncomfortable from the heat rash (and it is in the 80’s still at 8:30). Not tonight – maybe later.

I’m sure it is the last line that got caught in my head. “Maybe later.” Traditional lead on. Keeping me in the rotation, but not too far where anyone is naked.

I personally think she is trying to train me for her version of FWB, using me to not be alone and help with kids since she knows she can’t handle it, or trying to see if with enough time she can get into a place to reunite with me. I’m not even sure she knows what she is doing. She doesn’t want to jump into the dating pool either.

As with everything I am pushing the divorce, but letting her take credit for the lead. She will never get better with me (or anyone for that matter) who will hang around with her rules. Her rules basically keep her inside the house and fantasizing out. Never a real life; just dreams of one. I am tired of living it.

I think her rules and the kids have been put in place to control her impulses from BPD. If you take yourself out of places where you could make a mistake then you prevent the mistake. At the same time you don’t learn self control only regret. Regret for what you did before the rules and regret for what you failed to do afterwards.

Knowing what she did with Chris so long ago to try and get that “life” she has always wanted, it would just be a matter of time before another dbag hit on her an she started the bs all over again to get the “life.” Can’t stay married to a person you know would cheat on you if given the chance.

The life Chris never gave his wife at the time. The life I am now getting stronger to try and make for myself and I don’t want to spend the rest of it in the couch watching Bravo, my wife’s two drink maximum at home, and lousy sex every week or two which eventually fades into once a month. Not the life I want, but neither is being single the rest of my life, missing 2/3’s of my children’s life (or more), spending most of my free time taking care of the kids at Hunters house so it looks like a family, or trying to make a second marriage work with new kids or step-kids. I already have three calendars. Adding one or two more would create a nightmare of my life.

I have the kids tonight and I need a nap!

So Hunter calls around 10:40 and asks me if I know about the fires?

– What fires?

– The ones by your place.

– No. I haven’t heard anything.

– They started about 10 am

So I think to myself why would I know about this. I am 70 miles away. She must want to talk. So we talk a little more, and then we are texting and talking all day since my apartment is in the middle of the evacuation zone. She offers for me to stay at Grado tonight. I probably will since my sister does haven’t air, and they may evacuate my parents.

Dinner goes smoothly, but she is on her phone texting the entire time. Her brother is out of town for their dad’s surgery, and her sister-in-law is near the evac area, her mother-in-law and the youngest sister have both been evac’d. One of her subordinates is near a fire in Scripps so she has a lot to text about. Some other issue at work, but she volunteers to get me some clothes for the night at Target. She won’t kiss me today. “She wants to maintain boundaries.”

I tell her she likes the attention hugs/kissing and she tells me “she doesn’t want to enjoy it.” Key word “want.” I am sure she wants to move on, but needs me around. She wants to be free to do things without someone telling her something different. I’m not sure if she would qualify for co-morbidity with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but studies call it around 20%.

She was talking about taking the kids to her mom’s in Seattle for her vacation week. She doesn’t know what to do, but I’m sure she can’t handle them that long and she knows it. She wouldn’t let me take him to San Francisco on a test flight and now she wants to go three times the flight time. Why? Strange reversal of mindset.

Must be she knows it’s coming to a point that I’m not going to leave her completely alone when I’m around and that I’m not going to be her gay best friend to travel around with. Right now she just has them going to school. She needs to find a way to vacation without taking care of the kids. Voila – off to grandmothers house we go. Maybe she will get a day off to stalk Chris and his new wife and new life in Seattle. If they go I should get his address and send it to her. By then the documents should be with the courts and it would piss her off in front of her mom.

I just want to get rid of the last 20 lbs and start swimming and running and maybe the martial arts. I want to start living again instead of surviving. I know she wants the same but doesn’t know how to do it.

I finally lost it in the house. My son spits in my face because he wants to play Wii by himself instead of with me without a stitch of warning. I take the remote away and turn it off and he rants about how I’m not supposed to be here, how he doesn’t want me to be his father, that he wants me to leave and get burned up. Hunter is at Target getting ice cream and some shorts so I’m not sweating all night in jeans. She also comes home with sheets and a blanket for me. Her own private statement about space.

My son run outsides and “tattles” on me. Hunter walks in and daughter tattles on son. She’s yelling, he’s yelling, my mind is running through the Orange County fires eleven years ago when Hunter was fucking Chris in Vegas for work and in her book Chris commemorates the best two days of her life by getting a Vegas tattoo. He never had them and I do. As typical BPD we are all props so each one has to be remade to fit her image.

With everything I walk into the guest room away from everyone and take a break. After a few minutes I take daughter upstairs into the master bedroom (which has the a/c in it) to read a book then bed. I hang out afterwards and just rest next to her.

Hunter comes in with my son and I just sit on the floor next to daughter and keep my eyes closed. Daughter wants me to sleep in the room. I tell it’s not my room. Mom will come I when it’s time and I will sleep downstairs. She starts crying a little, and I tell her I will stay for a little while.

Daughter wants mom to come in and go to bed. Hunter starts yelling at her about it’s not her bedtime, if she doesn’t be quiet she will put her in the hot room, why is she so ungrateful.

I sit downstairs and watch hockey. I don’t know what to do. We are all just props and she now has the money to manipulate everything. The best thing I can do is let her break. Completely re-engage my discipline and not interact with her. Remove all aid and emotional support and watch her break and come to me.

My fear is she will start dating and find “another prop to occupy her time,” and he will push her to file suit since she will be afraid of being alone. My sister thinks she won’t put her profile on line. That she is just scoping the sights for strength and distraction. That’s probably true.

She got back on Match Thursday after I wouldn’t hang out Wednesday night. At the same time she may get lonely enough to get on there and someone like Chris will figure out how to use her for money. That’s when a war would start. My only safety is her writings and this blog. I can turn all of my 2013 writings public and stop using pseudonyms and watch her world unravel. I just don’t want to use the nuclear option.

After the kids are asleep I continue to watch the Ducks lose and she drinks her hard lemonade and tries to make conversation. I don’t say much. Just sit on the couch and type this. She texts and I ask what her Match name is. She refuses to acknowledge the question. She is embarrassed by the fact she is on it and I’m trying to push her out of the room.

She still won’t leave. More questions. More comments about people at work and the fires. My thoughts about my daughters preschool and the fires. She wouldn’t talk to me this much somedays when we were married, now that I’m not overstepping her boundaries it’s a constant stream of conversation.

She finally gets the hint and goes upstairs after an hour. She thinks she is being nice – and she was. She was just doing it for her needs not mine and that to me is not nice. It’s selfish to use others for their own needs.

It’s why I no longer push for FWB. I may imagine it. It’s easier than having to get out into the dating pool again or giving up being in my children’s life more. But I don’t push anything anymore and haven’t for weeks if not a month or two. I know I would be using her fears for my own needs. It might be karmicly fair, but not right. At least I will go to sleep knowing where to go again.

No more contact. No calls or texts. Just emails and finalization on Orange County. Hopefully I can go back home tomorrow. Fucking fires. Time to burn this relationship to the ground, and rise like a Phoenix. She may be able to get dates and money but she will never know peace like I will. I just hope I can remove the kids to show them peace too.


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