5/15/14 – Carlsbad Fires – Stuck in Hell

Having to sleep in my old house because of the fires is a purgatory I have not earned. Hunter wants to be best friends. Doesn’t understand why I have to push snuggle past what she wants. Why can’t it just be what she wants?

I finally tell her she can’t use me anymore. You don’t get to have a friendship with the benefits you want but not give me what I want. Using me for 12 years and now that we are getting divorced you want to be best friends. Where the fuck were you in 2003 when we were celebrating our first wedding anniversary and you had already cheated on me? Where were you in 2003 when you were going to strip clubs with the guys and making out with strippers like a total skank?

I wasn’t there – never invited. Neither were you and you lied to me about it. But you told Chris’s wife everything. You were proud of it at PwC. So proud of your new man. Where is he now? Cheating on a different wife in Seattle. Tossed you away like the trailer park trash you are and now you want permission and absolution to do that to me. Fuck you – not gonna happen. Time for my personal pound of flesh.

You say you had the right to cheat on me because you were never single and now that you were married you never would have that freedom. Well you have it now. Enjoy your one night stands and your walk of shames. I am moving back to Orange County and you can have the kids and the house and your STD’s and BPD and narcissistic tendencies and I will fly off to the Caimans and fuck everyone over because you won’t let me go and your are driving me to inappropriate thoughts again.

I wish I could go back to me apartment. It’s safer there with the guns than here with the blades. I know I would never shoot myself as you can’t always control the fragments. Why hurt someone else accidentally on the way out? That’s the reason I haven’t done it on the commute yet. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt. That would be messed up. Driving to work and out of the blue a 335 rams the wall at 150.

But blades are personal. They are simple. Silent. Peaceful. Open casket. Buried coffin. No worries.

I don’t think Hunter liked the silent treatment. She must have asked me a dozen or more questions after her nap. Virtually no response on my end.

When she finished working on the computer she sat next to me on the couch. I didn’t flinch. First time the last three days she sat on the couch with me. She generally goes to the chair. I get the feeling she has figured it out. I thought I made myself very clear. If I don’t get the relationship I want I can’t give you what you want. I will not be used by you.

I say goodbye to the kids and say thank you for your hospitality to Hunter. She asks me if I want the kids to call. I saw no. Tomorrow. No. And then close the door.

It feels nice to be home. The fires where fairly close. A few small flair ups outside the patio, and the valley outside my patio was torched, but otherwise everything looks good. Just the constant smell of ash lingering in the apartment so I am keeping the air running.

Had to clean up the fridge do to the power outage. None of the dairy smells bad, and only the ice cubes seemed damaged. Now just to relax.
Pics below.




3 thoughts on “5/15/14 – Carlsbad Fires – Stuck in Hell

  1. Absolutely, – unless we start to think for ourselves, provide for ourselves and become responsible – not a single thing is gonna change. My ex-husband was like that – passive, childish and demanding, now he is sitting on imgur all-day upvoting puns about jerking off. In case you don’t fight, you lose it. Great post. xOxOx Sarah


  2. wow how crazy close that fire was. so happy your home did not become part of the damage. And maybe you can find some peace in what sounds like boundaries you made for yourself. Would you be interested in a boundaries e book to read? I found it useful even if I have issue applying it. You may have better luck, 😀


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