5/21/14 – Fuck I Need Sleep

Didn’t get to sleep until 11pm. Up around 3:30am again. I am starting to feel like Tyler Durden. Everyday I go to sleep a little later and wake up a little earlier. I’m not sure who I am when I sleep but he is getting less and less time to enjoy the night life. I wish Chuck Palahniuk would have stated what the protagonists name was. The narrator is never named and that is starting to frustrate me.

I knock out again after 5 and get up again at 7am. The last time I got a decent sleep was last Wednesday before the fires. I’m either up around 12:45 pm if I knock out early, or 3:30am if I knock out late. Either way sustaining on 4 to 5 hours of lackluster sleep a day isn’t healthy. Add in the emotionally drain of dealing with everything going on and getting my passport renewed and taking a permanent vacation seems more and more plausible. It may not be the “right” thing to do, but no one I know seems to be doing the right things anyways.

It doesn’t help that Hunter’s BPD based fear of abandonment is in overdrive right now. Phone calls, texts, and emails are constantly inbound. I understand our son had an inclusion intro meeting, and I sent an email about the move to Orange County. That would be maybe four points of contact. Since Sunday I’ve gotten a dozen emails and a dozen and a half of texts and a couple of phone calls.

Whatever I am asking she is giving with the exception of leaving. I ask the attorney ETA. She calls two days later to find out more info. I tell her to make the calendar as she wanted and goes down to IT at work and has them help her set it up. I am tired of constantly getting emails about things on the calendar.

She wanted her to be in-charge of that in the divorce documents. Time to start making the time. Obviously things must be slow at work and she is flying out for her sisters wedding so there must be additional pressure to tell her family she is moving things along. I am sure the distortion campaign will be in full swing this weekend. At least I have my kids and can get them deprogrammed for a little bit of fun.

Not sure what to do about tonight. She sends me an email about how she defrosted something for dinner tonight and doesn’t want it to go to waste. Why? And she wonders why I want to move away from her like every other man in her life…Chris to Seattle and Patrick to Colorado.

Maybe I’m just pissed my ex knows how to seduce men better than I do women. Cheating bitch! Maybe I’m looking for any reason to move to Orange County and I don’t feel I’m interested in the drive anymore. Or anything for that matter. Just get my settlement check, my stock, and my passport and wander around the planet for a few years.

Not sure what is going on with her. She turned off her iMessage and now everything is SMS.

At least life goes much smoother at my house once my son has settled down. He gets much more like a typical kid at my house. High ADHD for sure, but smoother than at Grado.

2 thoughts on “5/21/14 – Fuck I Need Sleep

  1. Your blog is helping me. I cried last night after your entry about waking up to the fantasy life you had been living, and then the wake up call to living another decade the way you had been living, hit me hard.
    I haven’t been able to cry and let it out as I’ve been too afraid. I saw my therapist today and mentioned your blog. I can see with both his input and your thoughts, eventually I will not feel alone.
    What we share in common is the infidelity/adultery. However, my experience is far different than yours. I’m assuming your blog is meant for open sharing to help each and all of us to seek truth, validity of of our own humanity, and to learn and grow.
    My bombshell is, I found out my husband of 12 1/2 years has been on the down low with the neighbor, and worse part is the wife knew (apparently they have an open marriage).
    Let’s just say, I’ve been blown out of the water. The shock has been unbelievable even though I had been suspecting for a few years, with plenty of asks and given denials.
    My heart weeps as I have been utterly and ultimately betrayed. Like you.
    I just have to say, thank you for your openness, as suddenly I found your blog, it comes at an appropriate time.
    Thank you.
    Mary

    Like

    • Glad to hear you are starting the grieving and healing process, and that this helps. One of my sisters best friends had the same situation as you (sans neighbor) with three kids. It took a couple of years and intense therapy to come to a place of acceptance. I’m not there yet, but I do have days now where I am accepting. You will get there too. Time, effort, and the right supports will get you through this. I will keep you in my prayers!

      Like

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